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Video A Journey Through Time - SNL

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06:17   |   May 18, 2019

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A Journey Through Time - SNL
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  • >>> THANK YOU ALL FOR COMING. I'M DR. MARKOWITZ WITH NASA AND
  • THIS IS DR. HANDLY WITH THE INSTITUTE FOR TEMPORAL
  • ANOMALIES. >> WE'RE OBVIOUSLY VERY
  • INTERESTED IN YOUR STORY AS YOU'RE THE FIRST THREE PEOPLE TO
  • HAVE EXPERIENCED A VERIFIED TIME TRAVEL EVENT.
  • >> THIS IS BANANAS. I MEAN, WE WERE JUST THREE BUDS
  • WATCHING TV AND NOW, WE'RE QUANTUM PIONEERS.
  • >> NOW PLEASE TELL US HOW THIS TIME PORTAL APPEARED.
  • >> I GOT A THREE-MONTH TRIAL, WE WERE WATCHING
  • RAY DONOVAN ON SHOWTIME, AND I'M A FAN, I'M A SUCKER FOR FLAWED
  • HEROES, GOOD PERSON, BAD DEEDS, THAT DICHOTOMY IS VERY RICH TO
  • ME. >> WONDERFUL.
  • BUT IF YOU COULD FOCUS ON THE TIME TRAVEL.
  • >> UH, RIGHT, YEAH, WELL, ME AND HER, WE WAS ON THE COUCH WHEN
  • THIS GLOWING MAJESTIC GATEWAY APPEARED AND WE DRIFTED INTO IT.
  • AND WE FOUND OURSELVES IN A GORGEOUS CITY MADE ENTIRELY OF
  • CRYSTAL OR SOMETHING. >> YEAH, AND WE WERE WELCOMED BY
  • A GROUP OF PEOPLE MADE UP OF JUST ALL THE RACES IN THE WORLD
  • AND THEY SAID, WE ARE THE COUNCIL OF HUMANITY, THIS IS THE
  • FUTURE. IT WAS SO BEAUTIFUL.
  • >> AND YOU, MISS RAFFERTY? >> YEAH, A LITTLE DIFFERENT FOR
  • ME, I MUST HAVE BEEN ON THE WRONG SIDE OF THE PORTAL OR
  • SOMETHING, BECAUSE I WASN'T SO MUCH WELCOMED TO THE FUTURE AS I
  • WAS VIOLENTLY SUCKED A MILLION YEARS INTO THE PAST.
  • I WENT TO CAVEMAN TIMES, MAN. I GOT YANKED SO HARD, MY SWEATS
  • AND MY SNEAKS STAYED IN THE PRESENT.
  • SO I LAND ASS UP FACE DOWN IN THE MUD WITH MY COOTER AND
  • TOOTER ON FULL DISPLAY. AND I'M THINKING, "GOSH, LAST
  • TIME I WAS IN THIS POSITION, I GOT KICKED OUT OF WOODSTOCK
  • '99." >> AND WERE THERE PEOPLE THERE
  • TO WELCOME YOU AS WELL? >> "PEOPLE" IS SUCH A STRONG
  • WORD. YOU KNOW ON THE
  • EVOLUTION CHART WHERE YOU SEE HOW THE MONKEYS BECAME HUMAN?
  • THESE GUYS HADN'T HIT THE HALFWAY MARK YET.
  • >> LET'S FOCUS ON WHAT HAPPENED IN THE FUTURE.
  • >> IT WAS BEAUTIFUL, I WOULD HAVE WEPT BUT I WAS ALL CRIED
  • OUT FROM WATCHING "NURSE JACKIE" ON SHOWTIME.
  • >> THESE TWO ARE WALKING AROUND WAKANDA, MEANWHILE, WHERE I'M
  • AT, IT'S THE RISE OF THE PLANET OF THE APES, ALL 50 OF THESE
  • HAIRY MONKEY PEOPLE ARE RUBBING ME WITH THEIR BUTTS.
  • IT AIN'T EXACTLY A TUSCAN SUNSET.
  • >> PERHAPS THIS WAS SOME SORT OF PRIMITIVE RELIGIOUS RITUAL?
  • >> BUDDY, GOD HAD NO PART IN THIS.
  • THEY WERE MARKING ME WITH THEIR SCENT.
  • AND THESE GUYS WEREN'T EXACTLY ZESTFULLY CLEAN.
  • THEY ZEBRA STRIPED MY T-SHIRT SO MUCH, I LOOKED LIKE A FOOT
  • LOCKER EMPLOYEE. IT'S NEVER EASY MAKING NEW
  • FRIENDS, RIGHT? >> NOTED.
  • AND WHAT HAPPENED NEXT IN THE FUTURE?
  • >> WE WAS TAKEN TO THIS PLACE CALLED THE OCULUS AND INSIDE WAS
  • ALL THESE GATEWAYS TO OTHER SOLAR SYSTEMS.
  • >> EACH ONE WAS A PLANET THEY HAD COLONIZED.
  • I COULDN'T BELIEVE I WAS CHOSEN TO WITNESS THIS.
  • >> I TOO WAS CHOSEN. CHOSEN BY THE ALPHA FEMALE TO BE
  • HER NEW GIRLFRIEND. SHE COMES AT ME LIKE A
  • SILVERBACK, RIGHT? RAGDOLLS ME.
  • AND LOOK, I REALLY AIN'T INTO LADIES BUT IF NOTHING ELSE IS
  • OPEN, I'LL EAT AT A TACO BELL, YOU SMELL WHAT I'M SAYING?
  • >> YES, I THINK I DO. >> SO ANYWAY, THIS GAL WANTS TO
  • BOND, RIGHT? DO YOU MIND, DEX?
  • SHE CLIMBS ON MY BACK, RIGHT, SHE STARTS PICKING AT ME,
  • LOOKING FOR STUFF TO EAT. AND UNFORTUNATELY SHE'S FINDING
  • A BUFFET. SO I GUESS THE SNACK GOT HER IN
  • THE MOOD BECAUSE THEN SHE STARTS LIKE GRINDING INTO MY HEAD,
  • TRYING TO MATE WITH MY HAIR, I GUESS.
  • SHE'S USING MY FACE FOR LIKE A HANDHOLD.
  • THEN SHE GOES BACK TO EATING, CLIMBS AROUND THE FRONT AND SEES
  • MY EAR, WHICH I GUESS SHE THINKS IS SOME KIND OF VENDING MACHINE
  • BECAUSE SHE'S JUST -- SHE'S CANDLING.
  • BUT THERE AIN'T NO WAX. OKAY.
  • THEN FOR THE GRAND FINALE SHE REACHES DOWN, SHE POPS A FINGER
  • UP HER KEESTER, AND I'M LIKE, HEY, CURIOUS GEORGINA, LAST
  • PERSON TO TRY THAT NEVER SAW HIS WEDDING RING AGAIN.
  • >> YES. THANK YOU FOR THAT.
  • >> NO PROBLEM. AND THANK YOU, DEX.
  • >> YOUR JEANS RUG BURNED MY NECK.
  • >> I GOT BUSHED, SMUSHED BY A CAVE WOMAN.
  • YOU'LL LIVE. >> NOW, HOW WERE YOU ALL BROUGHT
  • BACK TO THE PRESENT? >> UMM, WELL, THE PORTAL OPENED
  • UP, AND THE COUNCIL SAID WHEN FEAR IS REPLACED BY TRUST, YOUR
  • WORLD WILL BEGIN TO CHANGE. SO THEN WE WERE HOME.
  • >> YEAH. IT WAS THE MOST AMAZING THING
  • THAT'S EVER HAPPENED TO ME. RIGHT UP THERE WITH GETTING THAT
  • EMAIL THAT SAID YOU'VE BEEN SELECTED FOR A FREE MONTH OF THE
  • SHOWTIME CHANNEL. >> SEE, THAT'S PISS IN MY
  • PORRIDGE BECAUSE WHEN I DOVE IN THE PORTAL TO GET HOME, STILL
  • PANTSLESS, MIND YOU, I LANDED DOWNWARD DOG IN A GRAND HYATT
  • CASINO WITH MY BEAN BURRITO IN BARRY LEVINE'S FACE.
  • >> WHO IS BARRY LEVINE? >> A YOUNG MAN WHO WILL NEVER
  • FORGET HIS BAR MITZVAH.
  • >> WE WOULD LIKE TO TAKE YOU ALL FOR A MEDICAL EXAM.
  • [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

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Description

Three people (Paul Rudd, Kate McKinnon, Cecily Strong) share very different stories about their experiences with time travel.

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