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Video Best Friends We've All Had
08:19   |   today at 10:27


  • - Number one, pizza.
  • (horse neighing) (hooves clomping)
  • (electronic sparkling) (bubble popping)
  • What up everyone?
  • It's your girl, Superwoman.
  • That's sick, wah!
  • And we've all experienced three things throughout our life.
  • Number one, puberty.
  • Mommy, Mommy, there's a carpet on my pee pee.
  • Number two, best friends.
  • Mommy, Mommy, can I sleep over at Ashley's house?
  • Number three, dysfunctional families.
  • Daddy, Daddy, where are you?
  • Just kidding! (laughing)
  • Yeah, no I never had a best friend named Ashley.
  • Through life, you most likely experienced
  • or will experience the following best friends.
  • Number one, the Wayback Playback, fricka fricka.
  • This person has been your friend since time, okay?
  • You've known them since grade five
  • and they've seen you grow into the hot mess you've become.
  • Y'all got your periods together, okay?
  • Y'all learned about sex education together,
  • y'all went to the mall together for the first time
  • without parental supervision.
  • And if you're Indian, that was when you were 24.
  • Now that you're older, you don't chill all the time,
  • but when you do, they make themselves right at home,
  • and they know your family.
  • They come over once every three months,
  • open your fridge without hesitation.
  • They call your Mom, Mom and they help you look for your Dad.
  • And they know you better than anybody else,
  • so all those times you try to front
  • like you're a better person than you actually are,
  • they call your ish out like this.
  • Yeah, I'm not the jealous type.
  • I never get jealous.
  • Oh my god, you're like totally right,
  • I've like never seen you jealous.
  • Girl, remember that time your first boyfriend
  • hugged his Mom in front of you
  • and you put him up for adoption?
  • (laughing)
  • Like, boop. (snapping)
  • I don't care what day of the week it is,
  • I will TBT your ish so fast.
  • Excuse me, how dare you not double tap?
  • Thank you.
  • And even though you don't talk every day,
  • you'll still ride or die for this friend, okay?
  • You got their back.
  • If anybody messes with them it's like straight up--
  • ("He's a Pirate" by Hans Zimmer and Klaus Badelt)
  • What up, t-shirt reference?
  • Zing, zing!
  • Then number two, the Adulting Friend.
  • Now this is the friend you made in your adult life,
  • somehow, even through school or your career,
  • or you, whatever adults do.
  • I don't know, at Home Depot or something.
  • I'm not there yet.
  • Y'all are trying to figure out life together
  • and your friendship is based on these types of questions.
  • How do we do our jobs?
  • What the F are taxes?
  • What is commitment?
  • Is this a mid-life crisis?
  • Have I drank enough water today?
  • You old!
  • Also, no, my piss was neon yellow.
  • Y'all don't party together, okay?
  • Y'all go to Ikea together.
  • Adult AF,
  • and you probably spend a lot of your time
  • with these new Adulting Friends,
  • so secretly your Wayback Playback Friends
  • hate this new friend.
  • Your old friend is just like,
  • "Yo, get the F out of here.
  • "What you've known Lilly since what, 2014?
  • "Yeah, the only time you've ever known her is
  • "when she's had two eyebrows, okay?
  • "I've known her since she's had one, okay?
  • "Back in the day when she didn't effing know
  • "how to put on her pants straight, okay?
  • "Get the F out of here talking about Lilly and friendship.
  • (spitting) "Yeah."
  • (laughing)
  • Too real, too real, it got too real, okay.
  • Number three, the One Who Cannot Be Named.
  • Now chances are when you were in either high school
  • or university or something similar to that,
  • you had a best friend and you two were inseparable.
  • Y'all got in trouble together, you know what I mean?
  • Drank together, skipped class together.
  • Is that true?
  • You should be ashamed of yourself.
  • Auntie, look.
  • Both of you timed your washroom breaks during class
  • so you could meet up for five minutes.
  • Probably had matching bracelets, you know, nicknames,
  • best friends for life and then she made out
  • with your boyfriend and your life lost all meaning.
  • Something happened and you stopped being friends
  • and you had to mourn for a full month.
  • You were just straight up listening to Adele on repeat,
  • or if you're older, then Aaliyah.
  • ("Miss You" by Aaliyah)
  • Here we go, higher.
  • (singing)
  • You don't know who Aaliyah is?
  • Google it!
  • You straight up buried that friendship under a pile
  • of subtweets and indirect Facebook statuses, just like,
  • "Isn't it funny when people just stab you in the back?"
  • You know, I hate when people start sentences with,
  • "Isn't it funny,"
  • because clearly, it's not funny.
  • Clearly you're hurt and you're salty, okay?
  • I know when things are unfunny.
  • Trust me, that's why I don't watch my videos.
  • You went on a cleanse from this person, okay?
  • This person emotionally scarred you.
  • This person turned you into a goddamn Targaryen
  • because now you're in a room, looking at all these collages
  • with her face in it and you're just like--
  • ("He's a Pirate" by Hans Zimmer and Klaus Badelt)
  • What up, t-shirt reference number two?
  • Number four, the Boyfriend.
  • Now when you reach a certain age,
  • you're going to start saying ridiculous things like,
  • "My boyfriend is my best friend."
  • You know who's your goddamn best friend?
  • The person you complain to
  • when your stupid boyfriend messes up.
  • That's your best friend, okay?
  • Girl, listen, I know you're horny
  • and he got the equipment, okay, but if you still shaving
  • for your boyfriend, he is not your best friend.
  • 'Cause girl, you come over to my house,
  • your legs be prickly as F.
  • I can see your leg hair through your pants, okay?
  • I am your best friend.
  • Straight up, has that ever happened to you?
  • On a separate note, you wear tights 'cause you're like,
  • "I don't have to shave.
  • "I didn't shave today,"
  • and then through your tights your hair's just like.
  • The day he sees you as ugly and ratchet
  • and petty as I have, I'll think about it.
  • The day my camera roll isn't full of screenshots
  • from your text conversations with him, I'll think about it.
  • The day you tell me that he's seen your ugly, granny,
  • period panties that you could basically use
  • as a parachute, I'll take you seriously.
  • Until then, he's not your BFF.
  • Okay, get the F out of here.
  • He's just your BF.
  • (snapping) You see what I did there?
  • Oh, I'm so smart.
  • Number five, the Mirror.
  • As you grow older, you will 100 percent go
  • through some sort of revelation or major heartache
  • that leaves you with the realization
  • that everyone else is trash
  • and you're actually your own best friend.
  • You know, it hits you like a wave, just like,
  • "Oh my god, I am the person I've been looking for all along.
  • "I am Waldo."
  • You'll just be walking around like a Tumblr post like--
  • ("Me, Myself and I" by Beyonce)
  • You have new purpose in life, you love yourself, you talk
  • to yourself, you watch movies alone, you're enlightened,
  • you're reborn, you're in a mother-f-ing Sia music video
  • and doing the five movements from the OA, just like--
  • ("Alive" by Sia)
  • Number six, Baby Bestie.
  • Now if or when you get old and delusional enough
  • to have kids, you start saying crazy things like,
  • "My kid is my best friend."
  • And to you and your hormones, I say,
  • "Are you dumb?
  • "Are you dumb, are you dumb?
  • "Did the epidural just never fade away?
  • "You just gonna stay high for the rest of your life?"
  • Just calm down, moms, don't get mad at me, okay?
  • Just let, we're still friends.
  • I still need you to pre-order my book for your kids,
  • so just stay right there.
  • You clean their crap.
  • Okay, they puke on you.
  • That's gross.
  • Although, you know, to be fair, I guess your best friend
  • in college probably also puked on you a few times, you know?
  • Huh, interesting.
  • ("Circle of Life" by Elton Jon and Tim Rice)
  • You thought I was gonna stop there, but I didn't, huh?
  • (singing)
  • Staircase. (singing)
  • I'm done.
  • But hear me when I say that your best friend
  • should not have come out of your vagina, okay?
  • Wait, unless, I guess, no, no!
  • Wait, no, I stand by that.
  • I mean, best friends are supposed to drink together, okay?
  • Not drink from your nipple.
  • I mean, unless they're gonna, no, no.
  • No, no, I stand by that too.
  • Get it together, Mom.
  • Hire babysitter, comb your hair,
  • change your sweatpants, go out for a night.
  • Your life ain't over.
  • Cut the crap, just like--
  • ("He's a Pirate" by Hans Zimmer and Klaus Badelt)
  • What up, t-shirt reference on my ta-tas?
  • Number seven, Mom.
  • When you get old and realize that you have no friends,
  • you come to the realization that there's been one person
  • that has had your back since day one, okay,
  • who loved you and accepted you for the idiot you are,
  • and loved you unconditionally, sometimes,
  • most of the time, some, occasionally unconditionally
  • and so you'll start saying things like,
  • "My mom is my best friend."
  • Oh, does that mean you'll never lie to her?
  • My mom is my good friend.
  • Does that mean you'll finally accept
  • her friend request on Facebook?
  • My mom is my acquaintance.
  • Does that mean you'll let her use your phone unsupervised?
  • My mom is a friend of a friend.
  • Doesn't she have dragons?
  • My mom is Khaleesi, just like, duh, duh, duh, duh,
  • wait no, why am I doing that?
  • Why am I doing that?
  • I have the sound effect.
  • I forgot, sorry, one second.
  • Okay, that's my butt crack.
  • I'll just do that joke again.
  • Everybody ready?
  • My mom is Khaleesi.
  • ("He's a Pirate" by Hans Zimmer and Klaus Badelt)
  • What up t-shirt reference?
  • Ah, I love that post production.
  • Oh, I think that last one slit my bra strap,
  • you know what I mean?
  • Yes, no bra.
  • Free the nipple!
  • Wait, what is this video about?
  • (drum beating)
  • (electronic sparkling) (bubble popping)
  • - Yo, I hope you enjoyed that video.
  • If you did, you got to let me know.
  • How?
  • Click the thumbs up button, that's how I know.
  • If you like, you can pre-order my book called,
  • How to Be a Bawse, link is in the description.
  • There's also a little box over there.
  • You can click it, works on your phone.
  • It will redirect you.
  • Yo, pre-order my book 'cause I worked really hard on it
  • and stuff and if you don't--
  • ("He's a Pirate" by Hans Zimmer and Klaus Badelt)

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