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Video Why I Won't Have Kids

TheTV.info
05:33   |   9M+ views   |   08/20/2018 at 23:57

Transcription

  • - Oh my God, I forgot to have kids.
  • (neighing)
  • What up, everyone?
  • It's your girl Superwoman.
  • And let me just preface this video by saying
  • I actually love kids.
  • In fact, I have three nephew that I adore tremendously.
  • Now that I've convinced you I'm wonderful and loving,
  • let me tell you five reasons
  • why I can't have my own annoying brat kids.
  • Number one, horror movies.
  • I could literally see the Devil
  • ripping out someone's soul in a horror movie,
  • and I still wouldn't be as scared
  • as seeing a little girl in a white dress.
  • Horror movies are scientific evidence
  • that kids are the root of all evil.
  • Straight up, if my kid started acting creepy,
  • I would have zero tolerance.
  • Honestly, I might even name my daughter Felicia,
  • just so it's easier to say bye to her
  • in case she gets possessed.
  • Felicia, go wash up for dinner, please.
  • - But Billy and I aren't hungry yet.
  • - Is Billy your unicorn?
  • - No, Billy's my best friend,
  • and he's sitting beside me right now.
  • Say hi, mom.
  • Don't ignore him, mom.
  • We'll talk about this later.
  • - Pack your bags.
  • You're moving in with daddy.
  • Feel free to call whatever homewrecker he's with mommy.
  • Bye, Felicia.
  • Be gone.
  • Not the shoes.
  • Number two, uselessness.
  • Okay, how do I say this in a polite way?
  • Okay, I got it.
  • Kids are idiots.
  • If you don't supervise a kid for three seconds,
  • they somehow end up in the dumbest situations.
  • - I wanna help.
  • - Okay, put this shirt on a hanger for mommy.
  • - Mommy, help!
  • - How the hell?
  • Put your seatbelt on, sweetie.
  • - 'Kay.
  • - Good girl.
  • (whimpering)
  • How?
  • Okay now, be careful and don't spill it.
  • - Okay.
  • Oops.
  • (laughing)
  • - Mother.
  • How can you eff up everything so quickly?
  • Stop being such a Trump.
  • Number three, my vajayjay.
  • Here's the thing, right.
  • I enjoy when my vagina is intact,
  • because stitches belong in a Shawn Mendes song,
  • not my hooha.
  • Here's all the things that I couldn't do
  • if my vagina was mangled.
  • Lunges.
  • Snow angels.
  • Splits.
  • Oh, wait, I'm not Logan Paul.
  • I couldn't do the splits either way.
  • (sobbing)
  • The point is, my vagina says no.
  • What's that?
  • Hell no!
  • Number four, setting an example.
  • Let me be crystal clear, okay.
  • I'm a hot effing mess,
  • and the last thing I need to do
  • is adjust my behavior because some punk kid
  • is gonna copy everything my hot mess self does.
  • Like, stop jacking my swagoo.
  • - Ms. Singh, two of our students got into a fight
  • and your daughter asked Ashley if she wants her to
  • "Snatch her by her weave and cut a ho?"
  • (laughing)
  • - Oh my God, did she?
  • What a good friend.
  • I mean, my goodness, that language, unacceptable.
  • - I fear your daughter may be mentally unstable.
  • She often dresses up as different characters
  • and talks to herself.
  • - What?
  • - Yes.
  • - Okay, I have no idea where she learned that.
  • - Hmm.
  • - My daughter's gonna be out there
  • getting me in trouble with teachers,
  • spilling my tea everywhere,
  • like, yo, snitches get stitches, brah.
  • Learn that.
  • Respect that.
  • Get that tattooed on your forehead.
  • You can't, you need parental permission.
  • That would be me.
  • Go eff yourself.
  • Number five, fake praise.
  • I believe in real, authentic feedback
  • that makes someone better and allows them to grow.
  • Okay, but when you have kids,
  • you have to pretend all their suckiness doesn't suck,
  • and I don't think lying is a good lesson.
  • - Mommy, I drew you.
  • - Aw, let me see.
  • Sweetheart.
  • This is trash.
  • It's really bad.
  • Look, you got my eyes all wrong.
  • And my hair is not that thin.
  • - But I tried my best!
  • - And it wasn't good enough.
  • (crying)
  • If you keep drawing ugly pictures of mommy
  • and act like a brat about it,
  • imma tell Santa you were naughty.
  • - Snitches get stitches, brah!
  • - God damn you, stop copying me!
  • I'm sure there's lots of valid reasons to have kids,
  • you know, like love, being proud,
  • contributing to society.
  • But me, I just wanna drink vodka whenever I want
  • and have no responsibilities.
  • Does that make me a bad person?
  • Or really smart?
  • Just kidding, I'm probably gonna have kids one day.
  • But I'm definitely gonna adopt,
  • 'cause I was super serious about the vagina part.
  • True!
  • Did you like that video?
  • Here's how you can let me know,
  • give it a big thumbs up.
  • You wanna check out my last video?
  • It's right over there.
  • My second vlog channel that has bloopers to this video,
  • right over there.
  • And make sure you subscribe,
  • because I have almost 11 million children.
  • My vagina hates me.
  • Also, preorder my book.
  • Link is right over there.
  • One love, Superwoman.
  • That is a wrap, and zoom!

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THE BLOOPERS ARE FUNNY AF: http://bit.ly/2k1Pabq
WATCH MY LAST VIDEO W/ YO KIDS: http://bit.ly/2jDtdmW
GET THIS FOR YO KIDS: http://LillySinghBook.com
BECOME A UNICORN: http://bit.ly/1HiqYG0

Watch my live stream on February 14th at http://www.YouTube.com/LillySingh

-- MORE VIDEOS YOU MIGHT LIKE --
▹STRUGGLES OF HAVING LONG HAIR: http://bit.ly/2jJoAD7
▹HOW TO MAKE A SANDWICH FOR SEXISTS: http://bit.ly/2gfjjDv
▹WHY BRAS ARE HORRIBLE: http://bit.ly/2dz09I8

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-- SHOT ON --
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Thanks for watching and don't forget to keep smiling. You're worth it! xoxo

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