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Video Jeanne Robertson | Don't Hire a Hit Man
08:36   |   today at 12:54


  • another place that I love to look for
  • humor is in my family I said have said
  • something in my five previous DVDs that
  • that's gone over fairly well and so I
  • just do it in everyone it's sort of a
  • test of the intelligence of the audience
  • if you get right now I am 65 years old
  • you're not as sharp as I thought you
  • were I want you to gasp in disbelief and
  • maybe say no way so let's try it again
  • I am 65 years old I appreciate that but
  • even at this age I am trying my best to
  • stay technologically savvy and it's a
  • challenge if I thought I could just go
  • on through life and not get involved
  • with all this stuff I would but I really
  • like email let me just tell you I think
  • I'm doing fairly well at my age I have a
  • website left-brain and I studied with
  • her what can we name it what can we name
  • it and he came up with Jeanne Robertson
  • dot-com very good very good
  • and then I'm cutting this DVD here and
  • it'll be on CD and guess what else
  • all of my stories are on the internet
  • one story at a time so it means you can
  • download that story off the internet we
  • can't we can't do that because we don't
  • know how to download and we don't own a
  • pod I don't know what the part is and I
  • don't even Twitter so I don't know I
  • don't know what's going on but then I
  • think I'm pretty cutting-edge to have
  • you go to itunes expecting to get a song
  • we'll look here we can hear this story
  • right here well guess what else
  • last summer we put two stories up on
  • YouTube now there may be some bad stuff
  • on YouTube but there's some good stuff
  • on there too and so I had my guru person
  • put two stories on there for people just
  • watch for free just sit there and watch
  • them for free and as soon as she called
  • me and said the stories are up I went
  • down and I typed in why oh you two ube
  • tube dot-com
  • they had a clever person write their
  • name to me you better
  • and I came up because I typed in Jeanne
  • Robertson and there I was oh my gosh
  • there it is
  • then I looked over the other side of the
  • page and it said if you like this person
  • you may like these and I knew these
  • people but they had one woman on there a
  • woman whom I know and she had a hundred
  • and eleven thousand hits holy cow then
  • another one had 69 thousand I looked
  • down I don't have any so I said well
  • I'll show you and I hit the button and I
  • came home and I watched myself for two
  • minutes and 37 seconds and I had one hit
  • I hit it again and I watched myself
  • again I did this till it was up to 17
  • hits and think about how much time if I
  • had sat there just hitting myself doing
  • this did not know it but my longtime
  • administrative professional Tony
  • Meredith sitting right here we were
  • table and again I didn't know it but she
  • had come in the back way and come in
  • this door and was standing behind me
  • watching me
  • finally she scared me to death she said
  • I can't believe you are doing what I
  • think you're doing I said you scared me
  • to death creep in behind me like this
  • she said are you running up your hits on
  • YouTube
  • I don't believe tell me you are not
  • running up your hits on YouTube I said
  • okay I'll tell you I'm not running up my
  • head it's on YouTube as much stuff as we
  • have got to do in this office and you
  • leave in a town and get and you're
  • sitting here wasting your time doing
  • this I said well look look look look
  • look all these people that we know look
  • up she said they've been on for years it
  • says right here they've been on this
  • thing for II get it I said well I'm just
  • I'm just sitting here she said I don't
  • think you that you could do this but if
  • you're going to Genie man may give you a
  • piece of advice
  • you don't have to hit it and watch
  • yourself you hit it and move the cursor
  • to the end
  • that's real good Tony she said I'm not
  • kidding you just sit there do what you
  • could but I don't think you ought to do
  • it I said you're right I'm not wasting
  • my time forget the whole thing I cut it
  • off she left she gone out got in the car
  • I thought I saw it go out of the
  • driveway I came back cut that thing on
  • his hip ah it didn't know it but Tony
  • got the car out into the road parked it
  • okay he's tipping tipping back around
  • through trees coming in so I wouldn't
  • see her and she came back in the door
  • and she was standing behind me again and
  • I was going she said coach you I can't
  • believe it all right Tony I said let me
  • just ask you something
  • is this unprofessional she said no I
  • don't guess it's unprofessional I said
  • all right let me ask you something else
  • is it unethical she said no I guess if
  • push came to shove it's not unethical
  • and then she said something like
  • stabbing a knife into the heart of any
  • southern woman she said I think it's
  • tacky
  • I'm not I promise you Prime I'm not
  • doing it I will not do this again and
  • she left and when she was gone and I was
  • sure of it I picked up that phone called
  • my 14 year old grandson Ryder and hired
  • him to do it all right
  • I said Ryder this is Nene now look for
  • so much money told him what I wanted he
  • said sure Nene I'll do it if you need it
  • don't I'll be glad to do it he said what
  • is it and I said I'll give you so much
  • money per hundred head now he was 13
  • last summer so he's a smart good guy he
  • hung up the phone
  • hired his little brother gray to do it
  • for Half Price Oh some alone I forgot
  • about it but down there in Georgia doing
  • this I totally forgot about it until the
  • first day of school when I told him I'd
  • settle up and Dana called I got a great
  • darling all right here Dana
  • she said Jeanne I think we need to talk
  • about something I didn't what you want
  • to hear a great Donald oh no what have I
  • done she said did you promise the boy
  • some kind of money on the first there
  • under the impression you have him for
  • over 50,000 hits
  • oh my I totally forgot if they've been
  • doing this she said I'm gonna let you
  • settle up with him that's not why I call
  • I picked up gray at school today was the
  • first day of school
  • and the teacher said don't let me talk
  • to you just a minute and she said fine
  • said when we asked gray what he had done
  • this summer he said he went to the beach
  • and he went to basketball camp he had
  • had a go and every day his big brother
  • Ryder paid him to hit his grandmother I
  • said Oh Dana I'm sorry I didn't even
  • think about telling you I totally forgot
  • it I know you're not upset because she
  • has a great sense of humor she said oh
  • no I'm not saying oh well I'm calling
  • about is I want in on the deal
  • [Applause]
  • you

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Jeanne is on Sirius XM Radio
This clip is from Jeanne's DVD "Just for Fun"
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