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Video Bill Engvall - WE GOT THE STONE | 2018

TheTV.info
01:14:38   |   462K+ views   |   06/25/2018 at 17:50

Transcription

  • when I was little we've moved a lot and
  • I wasn't a jock so I get to make friends
  • you became the funny guy
  • I think he's cute and he's funny fall
  • out of your chair laughing crying I got
  • to college and I listed a cup of Steve
  • Martin records or thought how that'd be
  • a cool job
  • he's real master of his craft I love
  • them realistic I think it's a hilarious
  • down-to-earth you can relate to him
  • their therapy buy laughter if you like
  • comedy
  • don't get no better than this people
  • take their hard-earned money and they
  • have plenty of choices and they choose
  • to come see my show that doesn't get
  • lost on me that's a real honor it's like
  • you're sitting in the living room with a
  • friend and just telling jokes it's so
  • comfortable and so entertaining he's
  • family-oriented but at the same time
  • he's still just as funny as any other
  • comedian I've ever seen ladies and
  • gentlemen please welcome to the stage
  • and platinum recording artist mr. bill
  • thank you
  • Wow thank you very much thank you it is
  • wonderful to be back here in Rockford
  • thank you for being here normally when I
  • do shows like this you know I interview
  • with the newspapers or the radio
  • stations or whatever and they always ask
  • me the same question they go well bill
  • is your family funny we say new no my
  • family is crazy and that makes me funny
  • and the Inbal clan has had crazy covered
  • for a number of decades my grandparents
  • when they were alive god bless their
  • hearts
  • my grandmother just crazy as a loon
  • wonderful woman you ever meet in your
  • life but she just loved to talk she
  • talked to y'all that might stand the
  • stool these walls and they all lived in
  • one little town of Texas a little town
  • called Georgetown Texas and my parents
  • lived there my sister's lived there my
  • grandparents lived there when they was
  • live and Gayle my wife and I we both
  • went to college in that whole town so
  • when I was in college you know I'd go
  • over to Grandma and Grandpa's house
  • because it was a free good meal and
  • that's the one thing I learned in
  • college and I'd go over there and be the
  • same scenario every day there'd be my
  • granddad sitting in his favorite chair
  • with the newspaper up my grandmother
  • just be walking through the house
  • talking and I dare get on I said how you
  • doing there grandma's well Billy I'm
  • doing all right I guess they're not
  • shoveling dirt on top of me
  • I guess that's a good day
  • I said what you do dishes well bill I
  • went to the beauty shop too that said oh
  • really she goes oh yes
  • and I saw Betsey there and Betsey was
  • getting herself a bouffant hair dude now
  • Billy I don't know why she'd get a
  • bouffant hairdo because she's got a fat
  • face
  • well yeah you think the woman with a fat
  • face and want that hair hanging all down
  • the front of her face but no she pulls
  • it all on top for heads now he's got a
  • big fat bun of hair with those big fat
  • cheeks I think she lost her mind
  • oh did I tell you this they bought a new
  • car they got it and she won two Chevy
  • but they talked her to a Ford she wanted
  • a black Chevy with the dealer mints that
  • old man black shows up dirty too much
  • you need a brown car so now instead of a
  • pretty black Chevy she's got a ugly
  • brown 4 with that face bouffant hairdo I
  • think he's lost
  • and my granddad would just go mm-hmm
  • I'll tell you a story about them when
  • they were getting ready celebrate their
  • 50th wedding anniversary my grandmother
  • said to my grand dad she said ray I want
  • you to go to Macy's and get yourself a
  • suit because it's a big anniversary I
  • want you dressed up me my grand that's
  • like I wear no damn suit I never wore
  • one hang on wear one now cuz you gotta
  • know who my granddad was it was boots
  • overalls and no shirt alright yeah and
  • that was church
  • [Laughter]
  • [Applause]
  • but you know grandma ruled the house so
  • she got him to go get a suit and they
  • had their anniversary well everything
  • was great well unfortunate about nine
  • months later granddad he passed away and
  • we were sitting at the funeral home and
  • my grandmother and the computer director
  • said to my grandmother she said ma'am
  • what would you like ray buried in and my
  • grandmother looked at me and said well
  • we bought in that suit again so I just
  • bury him in that and I remember thinking
  • this poor man can't catch a break
  • dead so we buried granddaddy and after
  • the funerals having coffee with my
  • grandmother and I said how grandma said
  • listen to me I said people won't start
  • calling the house now they're gonna ask
  • for granddaddy but they don't really
  • want him I said this won't make sure
  • he's gone they're gonna try to sell you
  • some kind of scam to get in your stocks
  • or your savings I said so do me a favor
  • when they call you just tell him to
  • granddaddy's in the garden or he's gone
  • into town or he'll be back later and
  • they can call back and talk to him then
  • and I said trust me they won't call back
  • well I went on home well about a year
  • later I was back in town visiting my
  • parents I stopped by to see grandma
  • and we're sitting there having coffee
  • and she said well honey you were right I
  • said about what she said those folks
  • called all the time I said I told you
  • they would she said this one fella he
  • called once a week for six weeks I said
  • well what did he want and she goes well
  • that's what I wanted to know she said so
  • the next time he called I said young man
  • you have called this house once a week
  • for six weeks can I ask what this is
  • about and he said oh yes ma'am he said
  • I'm sorry he said I'm from Macy's and
  • I'll just call CL raised and join his
  • suit
  • and I started laughing and I said what
  • did you say grandma and she goes well I
  • didn't want to lie to him cuz the Lord
  • don't like liars so I just said well
  • young man we can't get it off him
  • [Applause]
  • and z1 lion
  • I'll tell you what my dad told me on
  • them as they got older you know Grandma
  • and Grandpa they couldn't get out of
  • house much so dad put him on this group
  • called meals on wheels which is a
  • wonderful organization that serves meals
  • of senior citizens in the homebound well
  • as grandma got older she started
  • visiting people on other planets we
  • didn't know existed and one day their
  • meals on wheels lunches was late and my
  • grandmother got so mad she called 911 to
  • complain wouldn't you have loved to have
  • heard that phone conversation 911 what's
  • your emergency well we're about to damn
  • starve to death that's what the damn
  • mergency is ma'am is there anybody dead
  • there there's gonna be two dead people
  • if we don't get some sandwiches real
  • quick well my father told me this story
  • well y'all I'm a comedian you cannot
  • hand me a loaded gun like that and not
  • think it's not gonna go off at some
  • point
  • well my grandparents passed away about
  • 15 years ago well one more in a couple
  • of years back I got up my called my
  • house well remember this one little
  • small town in Texas and my mom answered
  • the phone and she goes hello and I said
  • mrs. Engvall
  • she said yes I said this sergeant
  • Johnson was a Georgetown Police
  • Department she said oh my god is
  • everything all right and I said oh yes
  • ma'am I'm sorry everything is fine I
  • said listen we're just clearing out our
  • books for the end of the year and we
  • know so we had to send our mergency
  • vehicles out to your mother-in-law's
  • house because she called 911 Mills on
  • wheels lunches being late my mother goes
  • you need to speak to my husband I mean
  • she threw him right under the bus
  • there was no we're sorry we'll make it
  • okay mister its his mama deal with him
  • and I said well is he home and she said
  • well yes officer he is but he's in the
  • shower and I said well ma'am
  • if you could get him that'd be great
  • well alright and she sets the phone down
  • well you know when folks set the phone
  • down you can still hear the conversation
  • and I hear my mother go bill it's the
  • police they want to talk to you about
  • your mother
  • and I hear my father yell from the
  • shower my mother's dead and my sweet
  • little mother who never raised her voice
  • went I know that get on the phone well
  • now I'm about to wet my pants
  • because I have a visual of my father
  • dripping wet holding the towel and while
  • the damn police called my house on
  • Saturday morning about my husband dead
  • for 15 years but my friends he got on
  • that phone and he was nice as pie he
  • goes blue and I'm trying to keep it
  • together and I said mr. Engel he said
  • yes I said this is sergeant Johnson with
  • the Georgetown Police Department goes oh
  • how are you today officer doing fine
  • thank you for asking
  • he said what can I do for you I said
  • well sir I hate to bother you and your
  • family on this beautiful Saturday I said
  • but we're just clearing out our books at
  • the end of the year and we knows we had
  • sent emergency vehicles out to your
  • mother's house because she called 911 on
  • wheels lunches being late and he goes
  • officer that woman was crazy this is
  • mommy's talking about
  • I said well sir that may well be but
  • that's not our department
  • I said listen we just got the issue of a
  • little bit of a fine and we'll get out
  • of your hair
  • he said what's the fine for and I said
  • well sir we understand a fire truck an
  • ambulance out there because we thought
  • something was wrong he said oh yeah I
  • get that he said how much is a fine I
  • said well that depends
  • he says on what and I said sir do you
  • remember what they had for lunch that
  • day and there was a pause so I figure
  • he's on to me you know he's gonna go
  • bill shut up and he goes I'm sorry I
  • said well whatever they had for lunch
  • that day will determine on how big or
  • little define is and he said well I've
  • never heard of that and I said well it's
  • something new we're trying
  • he said well how's it work and I said
  • well funny you should ask
  • that's all right sir let's say they had
  • a bowl of soup for lunch
  • well that finds on like $10 but they've
  • had like a meatloaf sandwich sir you
  • ever done this your wife cooks your
  • meatloaf on a Monday night well then
  • that next day you cut your cold slab of
  • meatloaf with mustard mayonnaise pickles
  • lettuce onions he goes oh I love them
  • sandwiches I said well that's gonna be a
  • little more money can you understand
  • that he goes yeah yeah that makes sense
  • really
  • and this is an educated man he's not
  • some rube from the sticks I said so if
  • you could think what they had for lunch
  • that they will get this whole mess
  • cleared up you going to weekend he was
  • boring to think officer because I
  • remember what they had for lunch that
  • day I said well maybe your wife knows
  • and he goes hey good idea he goes hey
  • Mary what they have for lunch that day
  • she goes he'll I don't know that was 15
  • years ago he said officer we can't
  • matter what they had for lunch that day
  • that was just too far back I said boy I
  • said we really want to get this cleared
  • up sir I said just think really hard I
  • mean did they have a salad because well
  • then that's on like $15 but if they had
  • like a turkey sandwich now sir you ever
  • done this your wife cooks you
  • Thanksgiving dinner well then that next
  • date takes on that turkey with some
  • dress and then cranberry sauce he was
  • all hail that's my favorite sandwich of
  • all I said well that's gonna be a hell
  • of a lot more money which I bet it is
  • and I'm not even disguising my voice
  • this is His only Son speaking to him
  • such that so just search think really
  • hard man what we did what was it they
  • had for lunch today we'll get this whole
  • thing cleared up you can go on with your
  • weekend he goes officer he goes look I
  • want a right now because I can't hear
  • what they had for lunch that day that's
  • just too far back he goes let me do this
  • he said while I pay the large or the
  • amounts of fine and that'll cover
  • everything and I said sir I wish we had
  • more folks like you in the world but you
  • can see how that screw up our books
  • right and he goes oh hell yeah I guess
  • it would when they yeah I finally went
  • dad it's me anyone go to hell
  • because that's what scares me about
  • getting older you start having those
  • thoughts and you think they're normal
  • and that's why I try to do things to
  • keep my brain at least feeling young and
  • that's why I did that stupid Dancing
  • with the Stars thank you
  • so I go on the show and I meet my little
  • partner Emma Emma Slater just a
  • wonderful little British girls 24 years
  • old yeah yeah just a love she the dog
  • but just British as she could be
  • I mean to the point that sometimes she
  • didn't understand our English like one
  • every week we would do this thing called
  • the song reveal and that's where she
  • tell me what dance were gonna do and
  • what song we gonna dance to and one week
  • seals aren't bail shields this week
  • we're gonna dance the tango and wood
  • dancing do beef burgers in Paradise by
  • Jimmy Buffet
  • damn that sounds familiar I said Emma do
  • you mean cheeseburgers in paradise by
  • Jimmy Buffett and she goes well why
  • would they call it Buffett I said what
  • and she when you go out to eat you don't
  • go to a bustin you go to a buffet I see
  • well sweetheart that's food this is a
  • human being so we start our rehearsals
  • well the way the show works for those
  • you haven't watched it ever the first
  • week everybody gets by everybody's safe
  • well after the first week my son called
  • me from college and said we'll just want
  • to say thanks
  • said what he told minds well you almost
  • got my butt kick I said how do you
  • figure well he works at little pizza
  • joint where he goes to college
  • well Dancing with the Stars is on Monday
  • night for what else is on Monday night
  • in the fall football he said there was
  • 30 frat guys in there drinking beer like
  • it's her last day on earth
  • he's got Dancing with the Stars on the
  • big-screen TV and one of the frat guys
  • goes hey man can you turn that mess off
  • and put on football and he said before I
  • could stop my mouth the words shot out
  • not to my dad's done dancing
  • yeah sorry about that one boy well then
  • the next week Bill Nye the Science Guy
  • was on our show and he hurt his knee and
  • he got eliminated so I've been on two
  • weeks I'm thinking great I've been on as
  • long as I thought I'd be on this is
  • great you can kick me off now deer
  • season starts in three weeks I'll be
  • there for opening day well y'all kept
  • voting
  • and at first I was mad at you
  • but then I started enjoying it because
  • if you go back and watch the shows every
  • time I told me in Emma they burst as we
  • were safe they would cut to the judges
  • and they all had this look on her face
  • like how is he still here by week five I
  • was begging to be off that show I was
  • literally like your watch those animal
  • shows on a National Geographic Channel
  • and I was that wounded gazelle at the
  • back of the herd they were just kind of
  • limping along you're like oh god the
  • Cheetahs gonna get him it's gonna get
  • him the O nightfall and the cheated run
  • behind dammit where'd he go and at one
  • point the ABC executives came and they
  • said bill don't take this the wrong way
  • but we didn't know you had this many
  • fans
  • to which I replied well apparently
  • you've never dealt with rednecks
  • well the first big elimination came with
  • a belieber name was Christina Milian oh
  • and she and her partner Mark had just
  • gotten the first end of the season and
  • that dance we had to do a little dance
  • called the Quick Step and the Quick Step
  • sucks basically though I ain't doing it
  • no more
  • the Quick Step is phase I said run from
  • here to the airport as fast as you can
  • and while you're running do some dance
  • steps of will Judge John
  • well me and Emma got like three sevens
  • well the way the show works at the end
  • of the show all 12 couples are on the
  • floor and they tell each one them
  • they're safe till there's two couples
  • left one stay and ones going how did the
  • 13 weeks I was on that show me and Emma
  • growing the last two couples eleven and
  • one of those was a bye so we're standing
  • out in the show in is so melodramatic
  • you know they go the lights goes in the
  • musicals bill and Emma you got three
  • sevens did your fans vote enough to keep
  • you on
  • Christina and Mark you got the first ten
  • of the season did your fans thought
  • enough to keep you on I think great
  • we're done yeah announcer was Bill and
  • Emma you're safe
  • [Applause]
  • what so we move on and we kept moving on
  • well then the next one was Sascha and
  • Snooki and in real life at that time
  • Sascha was my partner Emma's boyfriend
  • and so that week we do this dance called
  • the jive
  • I don't jive and I think we got like
  • three sixes well but Sascha and Snooki
  • got two 9s in an age so that awesome
  • we're done
  • so we're standard into the show and Tom
  • Bergeron the host walks in between us
  • and he goes well built he goes I usually
  • read the prompter at this point in the
  • show but you've done TV why don't you
  • read it I said whatever and I look in
  • the camera and a start rolling up and I
  • go bill and Emma you're safe oh my god
  • are you kidding me
  • and we recount because I don't think
  • that's right
  • it was so off the charts I looked at my
  • wife and the arms I said this is wrong I
  • should be eliminated deer seasons coming
  • up and she's looking at me with this
  • look like don't be an idiot just stand
  • there
  • oh are you kidding me she's digging this
  • Oh every Monday she gets a new dress and
  • she's on TV
  • you don't want me bailing on this but I
  • felt so bad for Snooki that I literally
  • started to take two steps towards Tom
  • Bergeron and say look eliminate me let
  • her go on and as he's interviewing
  • Snookie looks at me in the ocean I said
  • but this is wrong and also I feel
  • somebody grab my shirt and pull me back
  • and it's Val the Russian guy and he goes
  • bill this is about your journey don't
  • interrupted
  • well Snooki's crying because she just
  • got eliminated
  • Emma's crying because her boyfriend just
  • got eliminated I'm crying because I'm
  • missing deer season and we kept going on
  • well now we're a week away from the
  • finals and we had to learn two dances in
  • one week we had learned to cha-cha we'd
  • learn the Argentine tango
  • so we're Emma and I are in the dance
  • rehearsal hall were rehearsing the
  • cha-cha and also Emma goes bill can you
  • do a cartwheel
  • I said Emma I'm 58 yes I can do a
  • cartwheel
  • and I did one and see what oh my god
  • this is brilliant bill they'll love this
  • we'll do the move will cha chaan in
  • front of them you do the cartwheel
  • they'll eat it up and I'm doing it I'm
  • doing a cartwheel and I'm getting them
  • really good at it then all sudden my
  • brain in my mouth got together one Hey
  • hey Emma what if instead of a cartwheel
  • what if I did a round off with a half
  • twist and she goes can you do one and I
  • said yes and my brain went no
  • but I did it and then she goes oh my god
  • this is I don't even know where I
  • learned this stupid move but I did it
  • they're gonna love this so we're
  • rehearsing I'm doing the roundup for
  • that - I'm like what's going on well see
  • let's do it one more time then we'll go
  • on to the Argentine tango so we get to
  • that move I do the round off with a half
  • twist but this time when I landed
  • instead of landing with my knees bent I
  • landed with my knees locked yeah and the
  • bad knee went bye-bye
  • it went sideways and I hit the ground
  • and so we iced it down it kind of
  • settled down just going to the Argentine
  • tango it's slow and it won't hurt your
  • knee that's it great I don't know if you
  • know what the Argentine tango is but it
  • is literally just sex to music oh it's
  • just just rub and grind in your faces
  • like this and I'm like oh Christ well
  • this is gonna be really awkward
  • I mean she's 24 my wife's at every show
  • okay I'll do it for the sake of the show
  • well I'm a team player
  • so we start doing this dance well Emma
  • was always about this big tricks you
  • wanna do some big trick to impress the
  • judges so she was right bill here's what
  • I want you to do I want you to lay me
  • down pick me up spin me out I'll spin
  • back in you lift me up push me out I'll
  • whip around your waist and you catch my
  • legs and I weigh okay
  • yeah you're gonna die because I don't
  • know if you noticed or not but I'm not
  • really good at this she goes don't worry
  • I'll be there I'm like okay it's your
  • life
  • so we get to that part and I layer down
  • pick her up I spun her out she spun back
  • and I lifted her up I pushed her out who
  • she whipped around my waist and I caught
  • her legs and I went oh my god I'm
  • getting this
  • oh yeah there's gonna be billing ball
  • dance studios or crafts occur
  • so we keep your hearse was dance well
  • she goes right let's do it one more time
  • and we'll go home for they could already
  • been there like six hours so we got to
  • that point I laid her down I picked her
  • up
  • I spun her out she spun back in I lifted
  • her up my god her - right here her legs
  • were pointed straight up and I'm
  • starting to get tired and I and I let
  • her slip that much and then I took my
  • step that I had to do and she shifted
  • away to whip around me when she did I
  • heard a noise come from my crotch
  • that was somewhere between a scream and
  • a tear
  • I had torn my groin oh I hit and they're
  • filming everything I'm on the ground
  • grabbing my cross rolling around
  • screaming Emma learned a whole bunch of
  • new American cuss words and I have never
  • felt pain like this in my life in fact
  • fellas if you've never torn her groin
  • allow me go home tonight
  • take out your hunting knife and put it
  • in the flame and let it get glowing
  • red-hot and then just jab it right in
  • your crotch that's kind of what it feel
  • they had to call Gayle to come get me
  • because I couldn't even walk this
  • happened on a Friday we're shooting the
  • show on Monday Saturday more and I
  • called lemon I said sweetheart we're
  • done I said I can't get out of bed if I
  • just want to make sure you're okay and I
  • said I'm fine baby I said but there's no
  • more dancing she goes well I got to call
  • the producers I said well do what you
  • got to do so she calls the producers
  • well then the producers called me and
  • they said well we'd like to bring our
  • doctor over okay he's a doctor of pain
  • management when I was in college we
  • called him dr. feelgood yeah so Saturday
  • morning I'm lying on my couch with an
  • ice pack on my crotch they show up with
  • producer as a camera crew this doctor
  • and he starts examining goes yeah you
  • tore your groin I said I kind of figured
  • I did I guess we're done honey goes numb
  • what do you mean no because I'm gonna
  • give you an injection I said you ain't
  • sticking a needle anywhere near there
  • Yeah right I'm 58 I got enough issues
  • with as it is I don't need a needle
  • being jammed
  • no little pills gonna fix that so he
  • gives me an injection of my thigh and
  • the pain went bye-bye
  • Monday morning took me two hours to get
  • ready for this stupid show I was wrapped
  • strapped tape shave gel
  • you name a blurred pantyhose to hold it
  • in place and we somehow got through the
  • cha-cha and we got like two sixes and a
  • seven and then I don't know what
  • happened I don't know if I just had
  • resigned myself to the fact that we were
  • done and I didn't care anymore but we
  • wouldn't to the Argentine tango and we
  • just drilled it I mean it was a high of
  • score we ever got anything got like two
  • nines in an eight I think and and so
  • we're staying there at the end of the
  • show and I literally am standing like
  • this cuz I can't put weight on my leg
  • but this time we're up against Val and
  • Elizabeth and they just gotten three
  • Tim's a perfect score so we're stand
  • there like this and I'm single bill and
  • Emma you've had below average scores all
  • sorry do we have to keep bringing that
  • up
  • really it's like your kid going through
  • high school getting all DS and they go
  • at graduation well I don't know how he
  • did it but here's his diploma
  • they should fill an Emma you got two
  • sevens and a six average score did your
  • fans vote enough to keep you on go
  • toe-to-toe down Elizabeth you got three
  • tens a perfect score did your fans vote
  • enough to keep you on and I whispered in
  • his ear I said sweetheart we're done she
  • was yeah I'm afraid so and I said look
  • babe we walk out of here with our heads
  • held high I said we got further than we
  • thought we'd get we got further than
  • anybody in the free world thought we'd
  • get so we walk out of here proud ruse
  • you know what you're right and we look
  • in the camera they go bill and Emma
  • you're in the finals oh my god what well
  • now I'm convinced Gail's involved in
  • this well yeah she can't just kill me
  • outright because then she'd go to prison
  • but if she's paying y'all to vote and I
  • have a heart attack and die on this
  • stupid show they just called a tragic
  • accident
  • well that night after we did the
  • Argentine tango my body was shot I mean
  • I was shut down this was me getting into
  • bed I knew he would back up against the
  • bed and then just lay down like a board
  • cuz that way nothing hurt and we're in
  • bed and Gayle said sweetheart I got to
  • take something I said what she was I'm
  • just so proud of you she goes I know
  • this wasn't in your comfort zone but you
  • did it and you put your heart into and
  • you gave it a hundred percent and you
  • I'm just your fan saw a side of you
  • they'd never seen before you she was you
  • should be really proud and I'm really
  • proud of us thanks sweetheart
  • and she turns off the bedside light like
  • a second later the light comes back on
  • and she was I got to say one more thing
  • what and she was you know that Argentine
  • tango and I said yeah and she was that
  • was friggin hot and I know what she
  • wants to do
  • and normally I'm all in it was like all
  • right but you're on top cuz I can't move
  • all right
  • well now we're in the finals and Emma is
  • out of her mind giddy she's like built
  • this the finals is my first years of pro
  • we got to the finals you got us to the
  • final said no I didn't my sick fans did
  • and she was this is the big dance bill
  • this is the big dance we can do whatever
  • we want I go no we can see this what do
  • you mean I go honey I'm 58 I've got a
  • torn groin a pulled hamstring a bad knee
  • we can't do whatever we want it's good
  • all right well I'll keep that in mind I
  • go please do she's all right here's what
  • we're gonna do we're gonna dance the
  • Raiders of the Lost Ark and the way it's
  • gonna start you're on the second floor
  • balcony and you're gonna swing it on a
  • rope
  • [Applause]
  • you know what at this point why not why
  • not
  • if I go off in an ambulance it'll be big
  • press well thank God we finally got
  • eliminated and and by the way I joke
  • with you but thank you for voting
  • because it was one of the funnest thing
  • and you want to hear the sick part if
  • they call me tonight and said we need
  • you for Monday I'd go back it was just
  • that much fun but after we got
  • eliminating the show was over my knee
  • was just shot I went to an orthopedic
  • guy and he said I don't even know how
  • you're standing he said there's nothing
  • holding your knee together I said well
  • what are we gonna do it he goes well I
  • think is we can inject it with this gel
  • every six months but that's not gonna
  • fix it and I said what's gonna fix it he
  • said you need a total knee replacement
  • so December 15th I had a total knee
  • replacement if you had one yeah they're
  • not fun obviously everything looked
  • great because I'm standing in front of
  • you right now but uh so I wake up in my
  • hospital room and I'm my legs in this
  • machine and it's moving around but
  • something's weird you ever got that
  • feeling when you know something's off
  • but you can't figure out what it is and
  • I'm flipping around a bit and Gil goes
  • what's wrong with you I don't know
  • something's weird and I flipped this way
  • and something hits the inside of my
  • thigh and I went oh my god
  • I have a catheter
  • I've never had a catheter before
  • and they hurt
  • and I said do I have a catheter in and
  • she goes yeah and I said how long why
  • she was a little you're under sedation
  • they don't want you pee in the bed well
  • how long do I have to have these shields
  • are coming to take it out today and as
  • if on cue the door opens and in walks is
  • 24-year old brown haired lady nurse
  • named Christie and Christie walks in and
  • see those highness drain bow
  • big fan
  • now and she I'm gonna be the one
  • removing your catheter Oh God
  • and I thought dancing was a 24 year old
  • was awkward and she then she goes I have
  • to tell you this she goes I've never
  • actually done this before what we'll go
  • practice on a dead guy
  • she was I understand it just feels like
  • a little bit of pressure and I'm
  • thinking oh god that's what the prostate
  • guy said
  • she walks over to the bed pulls the
  • sheet down lifts up my gown looks down
  • now here let me tell you this I'm on
  • every drug known to man right now so I'm
  • not real sure how I'm representing
  • myself at this point
  • she looks under my gown looks at me and
  • says do you pets
  • [Applause]
  • what she said it's Japan so uh yeah
  • excuse me - she knows what kind of pets
  • do you have I got a dog because I love
  • dogs
  • what kind of dog do you have I said is
  • her claw marks is there something
  • [Applause]
  • and I looked a guy looked at Gale I said
  • what is she doing honey she's just
  • trying to relax you I said well I'm not
  • relaxed
  • when a 24 year old girls looking at my
  • junk I don't want to talk about my
  • Australian Chappell
  • and by the way if you're a nurse and
  • this is your practice that's not
  • relaxing if you want to relax me look
  • lift up my gown look under it and then
  • look at me and go whoa
  • now I'm relaxed so she starts pulling
  • this - yeah and apparently it was
  • touching the back of my skull because
  • she pulled for what seemed like an hour
  • and then I heard she was all down I'm
  • like she starts to leave and she turns
  • you to go one more thing I said what she
  • was I can't discharge you until you have
  • a bowel movement it just got worse
  • because I'm on a little drug called
  • percocet and if you've been on percocet
  • you know there is no bowel movement as a
  • matter of fact I looked it up and
  • percocet is a latin word and the
  • definition is we've shoved a cork in
  • your butt and superglued your cheeks
  • together
  • I'm not kidding you I nearly had an
  • aneurysm just trying to fart
  • [Applause]
  • so a couple days goes by and if you've
  • ever been on Perkins that you know the
  • moment I'm about to talk about it's that
  • moment you realize you can go to the
  • bathroom and it's the happiest day of
  • your life right but I can't just get out
  • of bed because my legs mushy night and I
  • can't walk yet so I have to call the
  • nurse's station and the nurse goes yes
  • miss dreamboat can I help you and I said
  • hi um is Christie around
  • [Applause]
  • and she goes um no she's down the hall
  • with another patient what can I help you
  • with I go and I don't want to just say I
  • gotta go poop and I'm a comedian they
  • know that so I'm trying to be funny
  • chuckle yeah um would you just tell her
  • I need to drop some friends at the lake
  • [Applause]
  • and she said you can't go to Lake you
  • haven't been discharged yet
  • [Applause]
  • No
  • just tell her the turtles trying to get
  • out of the pond
  • and she goes you can't have pets in the
  • hospital are you really not getting this
  • life I said no just tell her I have to
  • poop and she goes I'm sorry you cut out
  • what did you say now I heard it through
  • my door all Sunehri go Christie it's mr.
  • in ball he has to poop
  • so Christie comes in all bumpy so we're
  • gonna give it a try
  • do not be so bubbly about this so she
  • gets me out of bed and I get in my
  • Walker and we get into the bathroom
  • there's some kind of like circus
  • bathroom I mean there's pipes and bars
  • and a swing and a net and a guy selling
  • popcorn
  • and she gets me seed on the toilet and
  • she stands there
  • I go this ain't gonna work if you're
  • standing here I can't leave the room I
  • go you've got to leave
  • because I can't because you might fall
  • off the toilet the toilet I go just
  • stand on the other side of the door and
  • if I think I'm gonna fall I'll give you
  • every cursory Wow and then you run in
  • and say my life she said all right but I
  • have to leave the door open a cracked
  • open I'm good whatever just go because
  • I'm afraid this feeling he's gonna pass
  • as we said earlier percocet there is no
  • bowel movement but what it does give you
  • is explosive gas and apparently I had
  • the bathroom with the supersonic
  • microphone in the toilet because every
  • time I pass gas has sounded like the
  • bombs at Normandy gonna burn and every
  • time she goes success oh my god
  • finally like a BB dropped out and I'm
  • like that town that counts right there
  • so she leaves a couple hours later
  • another nurse comes in and goes okay mr.
  • Voss time for you go to therapy the
  • surgery doesn't hurt the physical
  • therapy will bring tears to your eyes I
  • never thought the words exercise bike
  • would make me cry out loud but it did so
  • they come in they get me they get me out
  • of bed and I get in my Walker 90 and if
  • you've ever watched anybody with a
  • walker walk it makes it a very distinct
  • noise he goes
  • what I don't know is the wing of this
  • hospital that I'm in all they do is hip
  • and knee replacements so they get me out
  • to the hallway to go to therapy and I'm
  • walking down the hall and I'm hearing
  • this and I look behind me and there's
  • like ten other old guys in there walking
  • we're like a senior citizen train
  • heading to physical therapy so we go to
  • therapy and we're coming back and the
  • nurses look gentlemen if you don't want
  • to go back to your hospital rooms you
  • can just sit here in the common area and
  • visit and nobody wants to go back to the
  • hospital rooms so we're all sitting
  • around kind of a circle and there's just
  • this awkward silence you know we've all
  • got our walkers by our chairs and
  • nobody's talking and I hate that so I
  • thought well I've got to be the one to
  • break this but I don't know these guys I
  • don't know where they're from or what
  • their story is
  • so I finally just look at the guy across
  • and I go hey man what what kind of
  • tennis balls you got on your Walker
  • and he goes Wilson good branch smooth
  • ride yeah laughter so finally people
  • start talking well then naturally the
  • conversation got to how did you end up
  • here and I swear to you as I'm standing
  • right here the guy to my left goes well
  • I was in Vietnam as a pilot my plane got
  • shot down I took some shrapnel to need
  • it finally got so bad they had to
  • replace it the guy over here goes they
  • used to play for the Houston Oilers and
  • 300-pound linemen took out my knee and
  • it finally got so arthritic they had to
  • replace it I'm like anyone who goes what
  • about you well boys I hurt mine doing
  • the cha-cha
  • [Applause]
  • there's no way to make that sound tough
  • yeah nobody's you keep adding on it just
  • gets worth it yeah thank God I had my
  • leotards on it because I heard it go
  • and I finally get discharged but if you
  • want to know what my life is like in one
  • moment this is it
  • Gayle comes against me and they they
  • wheel me downstairs to the lobby and
  • they give me my crutches and I'm just
  • getting ready to leave and I hear this
  • mystery involved and I turn around and
  • on the second-floor balcony looks over
  • to the lobby it's Christie my nurse and
  • I said hey Chris just want to say thanks
  • for everything you guys treated me
  • really well and she was I forgot to tell
  • you something I said what and she went
  • whoa
  • but you know what if you've had a knee
  • replacement you know what I'm talking
  • about and and I was I gotta be honestly
  • I was really proud of myself because it
  • was very painful is one of the most
  • painful things I've been through in my
  • life and I got through it and I was
  • really proud of myself and I said you
  • you just got through something that's
  • probably the worst pain of your life
  • two days later I got a kidney stone
  • turns out I was wrong oh man I would not
  • wish this pain on the devil himself 2:30
  • in the morning I'm in an emergency room
  • crying like a little girl ripping holes
  • in the sheets of the bed because if
  • you've had one you know I'm caught it's
  • like the most debilitating thing that
  • you can go through and I'm just like and
  • this nurse goes well now you know it's
  • like to go through childbirth and I said
  • through my tears well then man y'all are
  • stupid
  • if this is what child birds like there'd
  • be no kids and then they gave me a
  • little shot of something called dilaudid
  • why is this not in every candy section
  • of every grocery store
  • my brother-in-law said you went from
  • crying like a little girl doll so I'm
  • going so what's your name so I go to see
  • my urologist and he goes yeah you got a
  • kidney stone
  • my sister webaim's I just pass it and he
  • goes well normally that's what would
  • happen
  • he said the bill you have a very small
  • urethra how do you even respond to that
  • I said well you know what doc it's kind
  • of cold in here
  • he's like sir that has nothing at all to
  • do there's three things in life a man
  • never wants to hear you kissed like a
  • dog you throw like a girl and you have a
  • very small urethra sigh so what so
  • what's gonna happen is what we're gonna
  • do is through a procedure where we're
  • gonna insert a tube up through your
  • wiener there's four things in life
  • a man never lipstick
  • [Applause]
  • and inserting a tube in your wiener is
  • numero uno he said what we'll do is
  • we'll put that tube up there then we'll
  • take the laser and we'll stick it up
  • through it and we'll blast the stone he
  • said you'll be sedated and I said yes I
  • will as a matter of fact I want to be so
  • sedated that I see that light and I want
  • to walk and do it alright so they do the
  • procedure I they bring me out of
  • anesthesia and I said did you get the
  • stone and he goes bill I have never had
  • this happen in my medical career I'm
  • like oh please don't tell me you lost
  • your wedding ring up there he said no he
  • said your urethra is so small we
  • couldn't even get the laser up there to
  • blast the stone he said is this for
  • Rhetta Terry
  • I don't know me and pops never had that
  • chat
  • well son you're 21 is time you learn
  • about the involve family curse oh we've
  • all had small urethras back to great
  • granddaddy maxing ball he toured with
  • Ripley's Believe It or Not is this us
  • mom
  • as I said so what happens now he goes
  • what we put a stint in there to spread
  • your urethra leave it in there for two
  • weeks we'll go back in and get the late
  • let's don't so for two weeks I have this
  • stent hmm I go back in they put me under
  • I come out and they go we got the stone
  • nice - thank God he said you can pull
  • the stent out in a couple days
  • I'm Beth I'm sorry what he said yeah you
  • can just pull the stand out and I go
  • what am I paying you to do that's like
  • going to a restaurant what y'all have
  • the steak and lobster nigga whoa there's
  • the kitchen go cook it I said dude I'm a
  • comedian I don't know how to pull of
  • stan's out he goes he will and he leaves
  • the room and I look under the sheet and
  • without being too graphic I have a
  • thread hangin out of a wiener
  • [Applause]
  • I don't even show
  • and let me tell you something
  • when you have a thread hanging out here
  • Dingley it makes it pretty interesting
  • to pee every time I pee it was like The
  • Fountains at the Bellagio Hotel
  • and Gale keeps going bill you're getting
  • pee all over I go well I got
  • [Applause]
  • hanging out of a daily
  • excuse me if the aim is a little off so
  • a couple days goes by and the doctor
  • calls and goes I need you to pull the
  • stent out today I'm like oh good is this
  • gonna hurt he goes no no we go just take
  • a couple percocet you'll be fine
  • wait a minute if it doesn't hurt why am
  • I taking two percocet he said well I
  • don't know what your pain threshold is
  • and I said then we're gonna have four so
  • I eat my for percocet and I looked at
  • Gail and said baby you're gonna have to
  • help me with this new shoes what no but
  • we know whatever our vows don't for
  • better or worse sickness in the house
  • feels what if I heard you were damaged
  • and I go what else could be done to me
  • at this point and she goes well I'm
  • after shotgun a couple beers I'm coming
  • [Applause]
  • great I'm on percocet you're drunk and
  • we're performing a medical procedure
  • this side of the aisle
  • so she literally shotguns two beers in
  • front of me anything goes all right
  • let's do this
  • not with that look on your face ma'am
  • you slap a smile on that face sister so
  • we go upstairs and I lay down the bed
  • and she takes hold of the string and she
  • goes oh wait I got an idea I said what
  • and she was why don't we tie the string
  • to the doorknob
  • and go this into loose tooth
  • she starts pulling the string I go stop
  • stop this is just too weird and she goes
  • thank God I need another beer like ran
  • out of the world
  • stint is a very small word so I assumed
  • this was a very small apparatus 14
  • inches long yeah I pulled this thing to
  • the end of my links had to go back and
  • get the rest of it and finally it came
  • out I go it's out and I hear from the
  • bathroom thank God
  • [Applause]
  • she said do you want me to bring the
  • trashcan I said no no I'm gonna hang
  • this from my rear view mirror
  • and she said why and I go so the next
  • time I'm having a bad day I can look at
  • that mirror and go you know what it
  • could be worse
  • and then two days later I got a kid I
  • got shingles I'm scared to go the doctor
  • anymore
  • I'm afraid that doctors gonna look at
  • Galen go ma'am just sell him for parts
  • just not worth it and all this stuff all
  • this stuff we talked about the Dancing
  • with the Stars my crazy jeans and my
  • family I'm scared to hell is gonna come
  • back and haunt me
  • you know the menopause that someone
  • won't acknowledge you know we're praying
  • to God my son finishes his 10-year plan
  • this semester is just like my godson
  • just sit in class something will sink in
  • I swear to you and then trying to get TV
  • shows and trying to get this show ready
  • to film so I've got so much stress in my
  • life right now
  • I don't even sleep at night I'm up till
  • 4:30 5 o'clock every morning cuz my
  • little pea-sized brain won't shut down
  • and I guess I know it's crap I finally
  • went to my doctor I said doc you got to
  • write me a prescription help me sleep at
  • night and he goes oh I don't like
  • writing prescription for pills they got
  • bad side effects like oh dude I'm dying
  • here
  • he said bill I never thought I'd say
  • this in my medical career he said have
  • you ever tried medical marijuana I said
  • doc I've never even tried unmedicated
  • I said I'm not going to jail cuz I can't
  • sleep he goes nine I know you're not
  • gonna go to jail he said here in
  • California for medical reasons it's
  • legal he said I'm gonna write you this
  • card and I want you to take it to the
  • dispensary down the road
  • I said what's a dispensary he goes it's
  • like a drugstore I'm thinking all right
  • it's like a Walgreens or CVS you know
  • people in lab coats with nametags no
  • it's a pot store I walk in this store
  • and there's five white guys with
  • dreadlocks that want to hug me all right
  • all right have you ever walked into a
  • bar and the second you walk through the
  • door your brain one room bar that's what
  • this was I walk in I looked around went
  • oh hell no and I turn to leave and as I
  • turn to leave I hear this voice from
  • behind me go well hello my friend and I
  • turn around and there's this kid and he
  • goes my name is peace
  • I said well peace I think I'm in the
  • wrong place and he goes what brought you
  • here and I go well my doctor said he was
  • all so now you're smarter than your
  • doctor
  • what it was well your doctor sent you
  • here but apparently on the way over you
  • found a cure for whatever it was so a ka
  • you're smarter than your doctor and I'm
  • never thinking to myself I'm being run
  • circles around by a pothead I should be
  • quicker than this and I go well he gave
  • me this card and he goes oh it's the key
  • to the kingdom
  • let me see your car so I handed my car
  • Denis goes up have little problems going
  • nighty-night are we what am i seven yeah
  • I guess he goes we'll turn around my
  • friend and welcome to shangri-la and I
  • turn around and there is a full-on wall
  • of jars of marijuana and they all had
  • names but they weren't medical names
  • they were names like Bubba Khushi aap
  • grapey Cyndi cinnamon I'm in the Ben &
  • Jerry's a pie and he pulls this jar off
  • the wall and all I saw was the name
  • comatose and he takes him out and puts
  • it in a scale ways and put that in the
  • bag and staples it shut and he goes now
  • you go home and enjoy I had parked my
  • car fifty feet from this pot store this
  • was me walking back to my car with this
  • bag of marijuana
  • yeah well I know the cops are right
  • around the corner going he's got the bag
  • take the shot take the shot
  • I get to my car I open the trunk I take
  • the spare tire out I put the pot in the
  • wheel well I put the spare tire on top
  • of that a dead body some lime and a tarp
  • I'm driving 15 miles an hour and a
  • six-lane freeway with my blinker on nine
  • miles for my exit cuz I don't want to
  • raise any red flags and the whole time I
  • think of what have you done
  • you don't smoke pot you don't even know
  • how to smoke pot and then the other side
  • of my brain goes everybody set up this
  • shut up set up set up now a roommate
  • Collard smoked pot he always had these
  • papers called zig zags and he bought him
  • at a convenience store and I'm
  • everything I don't never having this
  • many voices in my head so I pull into
  • this 7-eleven you know I'm 58 you would
  • have thought I was a 12 year old boy
  • trying to buy his very first hustler
  • magazine I walked in the store the cart
  • goes what's up I go what's up with you
  • my brother
  • [Applause]
  • I don't know what came over me
  • he goes what do you want I'll tell you
  • what I want my friend
  • I wanna serve a slim jim since exactly
  • and he was dude it's not illegal to buy
  • papers and I said was it that bad he
  • went cheap so I get my papers I Drive
  • home I run down the basement cuz I can't
  • tell Gayle about this she's way anti-pot
  • she won't even let me go backstage at a
  • Willie Nelson concert well she goes to
  • bed that night I'm down the basement I
  • got the lot I got the papers I'm like
  • now what cuz I don't smoke I've never
  • rolled a cigarette so I'm rolling what I
  • think is a joint and it ends up looking
  • like a chewed up tooth pity I can't
  • smoke the head and also wait a minute I
  • got my granddaddy's pipes my grand it
  • was a pipes remember your Grandpa's tray
  • of five pipes so I rummage through this
  • call if I wanted granddaddy's pipes and
  • put the pot in it and I stood up and I'm
  • looking right in the mirror I went oh my
  • god
  • I look like Ward Cleaver trying to get
  • high right now
  • this would have been a great episode
  • ward pumping on that pipe
  • [Applause]
  • hey June
  • okay back to the basement I lit this pot
  • I took one puff oh my god I coughed so
  • hard I thought my liver was gonna jump
  • out of my mouth
  • I woke Gail up two flights up I'm in the
  • basement
  • [Laughter]
  • and Gil goes bill
  • where are you
  • Sheils bill like dammit how are you
  • doing that
  • and she was are you alright
  • where's my pink floyd album I need to
  • hear hey you right now and they don't
  • tell you the weird stuff you think about
  • when you're high when you get high for
  • the first time there should be somebody
  • there to help you like a shaman you know
  • some Indian spirit Eagles hey man relax
  • this is all real I'm baked out of my
  • gourd in our basement and this thought
  • pops in my head
  • whoa you're high yet you're low well I
  • cannot deal with that right now and the
  • paranoia oh my god I just flushed the
  • pot down the toilet and I yeah I
  • couldn't I couldn't deal with it
  • and I called my doctor next and said
  • what the hell was that he was what I go
  • dude I called far as I you have to
  • replace my liver and he goes Oh Billy
  • you don't smoke it you eat it I said
  • what he goes they have these brownies I
  • said yeah I saw those because we'll the
  • Pops in the brownies he goes go back and
  • get a week's worth of brownie so I go
  • back to the pot store there's peace what
  • uh so how'd it go
  • oh my god well to be honest I coughed
  • where I thought they were gonna place my
  • liver and he goes well you know the old
  • saying what he goes you got a cough to
  • get off
  • well that doesn't even make sense he
  • goes what are you doing back here and I
  • go I'm supposed to get some brownies
  • he goes oh most excellent choice so he
  • goes and gets my brownies will y'all
  • these brownies are the size of postcards
  • and there's no dosage on they don't say
  • hey all you need is a corner
  • I go home go down in the basement I ate
  • the whole brownie
  • and I was fine for twenty minutes and
  • then I didn't have a body
  • and I pretty much freaked out I'm in my
  • basement oh my god I'm just a head on
  • the floor in my basement
  • how am I gonna get out of here a head
  • can't roll upstairs
  • Oh God and Gail's gonna have to push
  • around in a baby stroller and go hi this
  • is my husband bill the head well oh yeah
  • he well he doesn't have a body cuz he
  • experiment with marijuana I didn't yeah
  • and I am freaking out and I go I gotta
  • calm down I gotta clutch from TV I turn
  • on my TV you don't think there's karma
  • gods out there what comes on cops yeah
  • yeah and there's a police helicopter
  • it's right above my house I can hear it
  • oh my god I'm going to tell them just
  • ahead
  • who knows we're gonna sick disgusting
  • things they'll do to a head in jail
  • then I realize it's not a police
  • helicopter it's our ceiling fan clicking
  • around in our basement and then the
  • phone rang and it was my mom oh I don't
  • care if you're 58 or you're 15 when
  • you're high the last voice you need to
  • hear is your mother how I answered the
  • phone I don't know I'm just a head and I
  • said hello and she was high on it's mom
  • oh good hi mom what are you doing oh
  • nothing
  • you're not doing marijuana
  • I go what do you want mom is really in a
  • good time she knows my honey I'm calling
  • you from the hospital I said what she
  • was your father was having chest pains I
  • said oh my god oh my god is that having
  • a heart attack she was no honey relax
  • geez the doctor just says he has acute
  • angina
  • he has a what
  • he has acute angina go stop saying it
  • mom
  • she goes saying what I go that my dad as
  • a kid vagina
  • she goes I think I have the wrong number
  • I go I think you do
  • well now I'm completely freaked out oh
  • my god father well that explains a small
  • urethra
  • [Applause]
  • how did I even get here
  • oh my god my mother has a wiener my
  • mother
  • maury povich oh my god but wonder we
  • never went to the beach and I must have
  • been screaming all this out loud because
  • Gail came running downstairs what is
  • wrong with your go well pretty big bombs
  • yell today
  • I just found out my father SEOs no it
  • doesn't I said yes he does and
  • apparently it's a cute one
  • [Applause]
  • I passed out I woke up with the worst
  • headache I've ever had in my life not
  • from the marijuana but because I slept
  • on the floor for 17 hours and when I
  • thought when I finally came to the first
  • thing I did was go oh thank god it's
  • back and then I called my dad
  • he really didn't understand the
  • conversation and I'm just in this fog
  • and only wants a cup of coffee and I
  • stagger upstairs and I walk in the
  • kitchen I look up and there's Gail lying
  • on the breakfast table drinking milk out
  • of the carton which she never does but
  • what are you doing she goes where she
  • get these brownies are done
  • welcome to shangri-la
  • [Applause]
  • you guys are awesome I knew you would be
  • thank you buddy I love y'all too man you
  • guys
  • I gotta tell you when I started this
  • silly business 35 years ago I never
  • thought it'd be this I mean I thought
  • I'd do it for a year maybe two y'all
  • have stuck with me through 35 years of
  • comedy and God bless your heart you keep
  • doing
  • and I love people that love to laugh I
  • love to laugh myself as a matter of fact
  • people come up here for this show and
  • they go are you laughing at your own
  • jokes I'm like please I've heard them
  • well what makes me laugh is if I tell
  • you joke and I see it hit somebody they
  • didn't see it coming or if you trip and
  • fall I'll help you out but I'm gonna
  • laugh cuz and I'll tell you what
  • laughter getting to do some rough bumps
  • in the road man a few years back when
  • I'm seen my dad did his best friend
  • passed away and it just tore my old man
  • up you know I've never seen dad like
  • that and that's we're walking out of our
  • house in the suits go to the funeral and
  • he's crying and I'm trying to find the
  • right words to make him feel better like
  • I know he'd do for me and just nothing's
  • working you know and this where I
  • honestly believe this that even in the
  • darkest of times if you're willing to
  • look hard enough the good Lord will give
  • you a smile yes right about that second
  • my best friend from high school drives
  • up and he is an idiot I love him to
  • death but he's dumber than a bag of
  • rocks and he hollers from his car n'gou
  • you dirtbag
  • he didn't call me when he hit town did
  • you mr. Hollywood was doing all dressed
  • up stupid it ain't Sunday I said Jimmy
  • we're going to mr. Howard's funeral he
  • goes oh hell did he die
  • [Applause]
  • I said no but he ain't feeling good
  • we're having a dress rehearsal here's
  • your time
  • [Applause]
  • I'll tell you what y'all have been great
  • I'm gonna give you a few of my favorites
  • over the past 35 years of doing
  • and unfortunately my lovely bride holds
  • position 1 & 2
  • and she's not stupid good god she's a
  • smarter than ever met in my life but
  • some of the stuff that comes out of that
  • woman's mouth we thought we was gonna
  • get TiVo so I went over to Best Buy to
  • pick it up he said on the box installs
  • in 30 minutes or less apparently they
  • never met me eight hours later I got
  • this thing going and I don't know how
  • they do it but it is amazing
  • a Gail came down to basically how does I
  • Google honey this is crazy but watch
  • this I can pause live sports and she
  • goes and they'll just wait
  • [Applause]
  • [Music]
  • mmm
  • but if I leave it on too long the
  • Commissioner calls me here's your sign I
  • was doing a show like this one time for
  • a company and they wanted to be a
  • surprise to the employees that I was
  • entertainment so they flew me in the
  • night before this resort on their little
  • puddle jumper airplane which that was
  • not thrilled about and we flew in at
  • night and when we land on the runway at
  • night we hit a deer with our airplane oh
  • it whack this deer it broke the
  • propeller we skidded off the runway and
  • I laughed now cuz I'm alive but I called
  • Gale I said sweetie you're not gonna
  • believe this one I go we just hit a deer
  • with our airplane and she goes oh no and
  • then there was a pause and I could hear
  • those little gears just grinded and
  • there she goes wait were you on the
  • ground
  • [Applause]
  • I said nope Santa was making one last
  • run there's your sign
  • alright I'll fess up I always make fun
  • of other people but I'll tell you when
  • it happened to me a couple years back I
  • had to get it a secta me and I'm sitting
  • in the doctor you know what just hit me
  • in the last two years I've had more
  • people touched my junk than Fred Sanford
  • that ain't right well I'm sitting in
  • this chair I got my shirt on but I'm
  • naked from the waist down my feet are up
  • in these stirrups ladies I don't know
  • how you do it I swear
  • and the doctors down your just kind of
  • took it on the sack awkward
  • well I didn't know what else to do so I
  • just started whistling it seemed right
  • at the time
  • he's tugging away
  • except between my lips
  • this head picks up between my legs and
  • he goes he trying to distract yourself
  • [Applause]
  • I said no I'm just so comfortable if I
  • got it wasn't alone here's your time
  • [Applause]
  • [Music]
  • [Applause]
  • [Music]
  • [Applause]
  • [Music]
  • [Applause]

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Bill Engvall full standup comedy special 2018

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Bill Engvall bill engvall sell him parts 2018 full standup special

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