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Video Bill Gates Wasn't Impressed With Donald Trump

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  • WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
  • I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
  • WE ARE JUST HOURS AWAY FROM THE ROYAL WEDDING.
  • ( CHEERING ) WOO, INDEED.
  • IT'S A FAIRYTALE WEDDING-- IF THE FAIRYTALE IS ABOUT BEING
  • MARRIED TO THE SIXTH IN LINE FOR THE CROWN OF A CONSTITUTIONAL
  • MONARCHY WHO LACKS ANY POWER AND EXISTS PURELY AS A TOURIST TRAP.
  • ( LAUGHTER ) STILL, MEGHAN MARKEL IS AN
  • AMERICAN, FELLOW NORTHWESTERN GRAD, SO I HAVE TO
  • GET THEM A GIFT, BUT THEIR REGISTRY IS RIDICULOUS-- THE
  • ONLY ITEMS LEFT ARE A GILDED CLOCK TOWER AND A MOAT.
  • I DON'T KNOW HOW TO WRAP A MOAT.
  • NOW, THE CEREMONY STARTS AT 7:00 A.M. EASTERN TIME.
  • TOMORROW MORNING.
  • SO, FINALLY, I'LL BE ABLE TO SLEEP THROUGH A WEDDING AT HOME.
  • WE FINALLY LEARNED WHO'S GOING TO BE IN MEGHAN'S BRIDAL PARTY!
  • SHE'LL BE JOINED AT THE ALTAR BY SIX BRIDESMAIDS, INCLUDING
  • THREE-YEAR-OLD PRINCESS CHARLOTTE.
  • ( CHEERING ) SHE IS SO ADORABLE.
  • SO CUTE!
  • BUT IT'S REALLY GOING TO CHANGE THE BACHELORETTE PARTY.
  • "GOOD EVENING, LADIES-- SOMEONE CALL THE BOBBIES OVER A NOISE
  • COMPLAINT?
  • AND UHHH-- I'LL BE KEEPING MY PANTS ON."
  • ( LAUGHTER ) THEN OF COURSE THERE WAS THE
  • DRAMA SURROUNDING THE BRIDE'S FATHER.
  • HE WON'T BE ATTENDING ON SATURDAY FOR HEALTH REASONS.
  • AND HE DID CAUSE A BIT OF STIR WHEN HE SOLD FAKE PAPARAZZI
  • PICTURES OF HIS PREPARATION FOR THE WEDDING.
  • AND HE'S NOT ALONE.
  • MARKLE'S HALF-SISTER WROTE A BOOK CALLED "THE DIARY OF
  • PRINCESS PUSHY'S SISTER," AND MEGHAN'S NEPHEW IS GROWING A NEW
  • MARIJUANA STRAIN CALLED "MARKLE'S SPARKLE".
  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
  • ( LAUGHTER ) REALLY?
  • SOUNDS LIKE A GOOD TIME, BUT I STILL PREFER A DIME BAG OF QUEEN
  • ELIZA-SPLIFF.
  • ( LAUGHTER ) MEANWHILE, BACK IN AMERICA, I'VE
  • NEVER THOUGHT THAT DONALD TRUMP IS THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE
  • SHED.
  • BUT I HAVE TO ADMIT, I'VE ALWAYS THOUGHT HE'S A TOOL.
  • ( LAUGHTER ) AND TODAY --
  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) OH, WOW!
  • SURE.
  • TOOL USERS.
  • ( LAUGHTER ) AND, TODAY, WE GOT ANOTHER
  • GLIMPSE OF WHAT THE PRESIDENT IS LIKE IN PRIVATE FROM ACTUAL
  • BILLIONAIRE BILL GATES.
  • AT -- WHAT WAS HE AT?
  • HE WAS AT SOMETHING.
  • HE WAS AT SOMETHING WHERE GATES WAS ON
  • STAGE, GATES TOLD THE STORY ABOUT THE FIRST TIME HE MET
  • TRUMP IN 2016, IT WAS WEIRD FROM THE START.
  • >> WHEN I WALKED IN, HIS FIRST SENTENCE KIND OF THREW ME OFF.
  • HE SAID, "TRUMP HEARS THAT YOU DON'T LIKE WHAT TRUMP IS DOING."
  • ( LAUGHTER ) AND I THOUGHT, "WOW, BUT YOU'RE
  • TRUMP."
  • ( APPLAUSE ) ( LAUGHTER )
  • >> STEPHEN: GATES DOESN'T KNOW TRUMP TALKS ABOUT HIMSELF IN THE
  • THIRD PERSON?
  • COLBERT IS SHOCKED.
  • ( LAUGHTER ) AND LATER, GATES TRIED TO GIVE
  • THEN PRESIDENT-ELECT TRUMP SOME ADVICE.
  • >> ANYWAYS, SO I SAW HIM IN TRUMP TOWER, AND I SAID, "HEY,
  • SCIENCE AND INNOVATION IS A GREAT THING.
  • YOU SHOULD BE A LEADER WHO DRIVES INNOVATION.
  • YOU KNOW, PICK THINGS YOU WANT TO DO THAT ARE BIG.
  • H.I.V. VACCINE, YOU COULD ACCELERATE THAT.
  • BE ASSOCIATED WITH INNOVATIONS.
  • HE WANTED TO KNOW IF THERE WAS A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN H.I.V. AND
  • H.P.V.
  • ( LAUGHTER ) THAT'S AN EASY MISTAKE.
  • WE ALL REMEMBER THAT FAMOUS SCENE IN PHILADELPHIA WHERE TOM
  • HANKS IS TOLD HE HAS AN IRREGULAR PAP SMEAR.
  • ( LAUGHTER ) BEAUTIFUL.
  • I CAN'T HELP BUT NOTICE THAT HE'S TALKING TO THE BIGGEST NERD
  • IN THE WORLD ABOUT SEXUALLY TRANSMITTED DISEASES?
  • WHAT DOES TRUMP TALK TO THE PORN STARS ABOUT?
  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) "HEY, LOOK, LOOK -- I -- HEY,
  • STORMY, GET IN HERE.
  • WHY CAN'T I OPEN ADOBE READER?" ( LAUGHTER )
  • "I THINK I HAVE H.P.V. IN MY P.D.F."
  • ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
  • ( PIANO RIFF ) SO DUMB.
  • SO DUMB.
  • SO DUMB!
  • GATES ACTUALLY MET WITH TRUMP TWICE TO DISCUSS HIS SCIENCE
  • INITIATIVES, AND TRUMP ASKED IF H.I.V. AND H.P.V. WERE THE SAME
  • THING BOTH TIMES.
  • "ALSO, HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT THIS HGTV?
  • I HEARD YOU COULD CATCH IT FROM OPEN CONCEPT KITCHENS ."
  • ( LAUGHTER ) BUT THAT'S NOT THE ONLY BASIC
  • SCIENCE QUESTION TRUMP ASKED GATES.
  • "HE ASKED ME IF VACCINES WEREN'T A BAD THING BECAUSE HE WAS
  • CONSIDERING A COMMISSION TO LOOK INTO ILL EFFECTS OF VACCINES.
  • AND I SAID, "NO, THAT'S A DEAD END, THAT'D BE A BAD THING,
  • DON'T DO THAT."
  • WELL, AT LEAST GATES KNOWS THAT YOU HAVE TO TALK TO TRUMP LIKE
  • YOU'RE TALKING TO FRANKENSTEIN.
  • "FIRE, BAD!
  • VACCINE, GOOD!" ( LAUGHTER )
  • GATES ALSO TOLD THE STORY OF WHEN HIS DAUGHTER MET TRUMP.
  • >> HE KNEW MY DAUGHTER JENNIFER BECAUSE TRUMP HAS THIS HORSE
  • SHOW THING DOWN IN FLORIDA.
  • IN FACT, HE WENT UP AND TALKED TO JEN AND WAS BEING SUPER NICE.
  • AND THEN, LIKE 20 MINUTES LATER, HE FLEW IN ON A HELICOPTER TO
  • THE SAME PLACE.
  • SO, CLEARLY HE HAD BEEN DRIVEN AWAY BUT HE WANTED TO MAKE A
  • GRAND ENTRANCE IN A HELICOPTER.
  • ( LAUGHTER ) WHOO!
  • (THEME SONG PLAYS) WHOO!
  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) SOME PEOPLE ARE SO NEEDY.
  • ( LAUGHTER ) TO TOP IT OFF, TRUMP GOT VERY
  • TRUMP ABOUT BILL GATES' DAUGHTER.
  • >> IT WAS ACTUALLY KIND OF SCARY HOW WELL HE KNEW-- HOW MUCH HE
  • KNEW ABOUT MY DAUGHTER'S APPEARANCE.
  • >> STEPHEN: WHAT'S WEIRD ABOUT THAT?
  • "HEY BILL, YOUR DAUGHTER IS HOT.
  • NOT IVANKA-HOT, BUT YOU KNOW."

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There's no such thing as a stupid question. Unless you're the President of the United States asking about the difference between HPV and HIV.

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