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Video Trump Just Wants To Be On Primetime TV

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  • WELCOME TO THE LATE SHOW.
  • I'M STEPHEN COLBERT.
  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
  • THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
  • LET'S HEAR IT FOR MY WARM UP ACT TONIGHT, DONALD TRUMP.
  • ( APPLAUSE ) AMERICA'S FAVORITE FUNNYMAN
  • ADDRESSED THE NATION ON ALL THE BROADCAST AND CABLE NEWS
  • NETWORKS, EXPLAINING WHY HE SHUT DOWN THE GOVERNMENT FOR HIS
  • BORDER WALL.
  • SO, BY THE TIME THAT THIS IS BROADCAST, WE'RE EITHER IN A
  • BRAND-NEW STATE OF EMERGENCY, OR THE SAME ONE WE'VE BEEN IN SINCE
  • NOVEMBER OF 2016.
  • ( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
  • WAS THIS A FIRST?
  • IT WAS TRUMP'S FIRST PRESIDENTIAL ADDRESS FROM THE
  • OVAL OFFICE.
  • THAT FEELS -- WEIRD.
  • ( LAUGHTER ) ONE OF THE REASONS I WAS SO
  • SHAKEN ON ELECTION NIGHT IS THAT I FORESAW THINGS LIKE THIS
  • COMING.
  • YOU KNOW, IT'S LIKE WHEN YOUR COUSIN'S STAYING WITH YOU AND HE
  • BRINGS HIS DOG, YOU IMMEDIATELY IMAGINE IT POOPING ON YOUR RUG.
  • ( LAUGHTER ) AND EVENTUALLY, IT DOES.
  • NOW, NORMALLY, PRIME TIME PRESIDENTIAL ADDRESSES ARE FOR
  • IMPORTANT STUFF LIKE EISENHOWER EXPLAINING WHY HE'S SENDING
  • TROOPS TO DESEGREGATE THE SCHOOLS, OR OBAMA DECLARING THE
  • END OF COMBAT OPERATIONS IN IRAQ, OR BILL CLINTON
  • ANNOUNCING -- (AS CLINTON)
  • "HEY, AMERICA, I GOT SOME ACTION.
  • I'M SO SORRY.
  • ( LAUGHTER ) "SO SORRY."
  • TRUMP'S ADDRESS PRE-EMPTED OUR REGULARLY SCHEDULED CBS
  • PROGRAMMING, "F.B.I."
  • NOT THE FIRST TIME HE'S INTERFERED WITH AN F.B.I.
  • INVESTIGATION.
  • ( LAUGHTER ) ( PIANO RIFF )
  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I THINK.
  • I THINK.
  • RIGHT?
  • I THINK TRUMP GAVE THAT SPEECH BECAUSE HE MISSES BEING ON
  • PRIMETIME TELEVISION.
  • NEXT IT'S GONNA BE -- (AS TRUMP)
  • "HELLO, 'SHARK TANK,' I AM ASKING FOR $5.7 BILLION DOLLARS
  • FOR A BORDER WALL.
  • OKAY.
  • I HAVE SOLD ZERO UNITS, AND ALSO I AM VERY AFRAID OF SHARKS."
  • >> FOR THAT REASON, I'M OUT.
  • OKAY.
  • ( LAUGHTER ) >> STEPHEN: NOW, WE TAPE THIS
  • SHOW AT 5:30, SO I DON'T KNOW WHAT MY REACTION TO THE SPEECH
  • WILL HAVE BEEN, SO I'M JUST GOING TO COVER MY BASES.
  • IT'S EITHER CONGRATULATIONS, MR PRESIDENT.
  • GLAD YOU INTERRUPTED OUR LIVES SO YOU COULD READ YOUR TWEETS
  • OUT LOUD.
  • ( LAUGHTER ) OR, MY GOD, HE JUST CONFESSED TO
  • EVERYTHING -- RUSSIA, OBSTRUCTION, HIS DAD
  • SHOT WARREN G. HARDING!
  • I CAN'T BELIEVE HE HANDED OVER THE PRESIDENCY TO MICHELLE OBAMA
  • AND THEN GOT INTO THE BACK OF A PADDY WAGON, SCREAMING "I'M THE
  • REAL CHRISTMAS QUEEN!" ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
  • ONE OF THOSE PROBABLY WON'T HAPPEN.
  • >> Jon: YEAH.
  • >> Stephen: TRUMP FACES AN UPHILL BATTLE SELLING HIS
  • VERSION OF THE SHUTDOWN BECAUSE POLLS SAY TRUMP IS
  • BLAMED FOR THE SHUTDOWN BY 51% VERSUS ONLY 32% WHO BLAME
  • DEMOCRATS.
  • HUH.
  • I WONDER WHERE THEY GOT THAT IDEA?
  • >> I AM PROUD TO SHUT DOWN THE GOVERNMENT FOR BORDER SECURITY
  • CHUCK.
  • SO, I WILL TAKE THE MANTLE.
  • I WILL BE THE ONE TO SHUT IT DOWN.
  • I'M NOT GONNA BLAME YOU FOR IT.
  • THE LAST TIME YOU SHUT IT DOWN IT DIDN'T WORK.
  • I WILL TAKE THE MANTLE OF SHUTTING DOWN.
  • >> STEPHEN: OOH, FOILED AGAIN BY TRUMP'S ARCH-NEMESIS -- HIS
  • MOUTH.
  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I'LL GET YOU NEXT TIME, MOUTH!
  • AS I SAID, WE DON'T KNOW WHAT TRUMP SAID IN HIS SPEECH
  • TONIGHT, BUT A LOT OF PEOPLE WERE WORRIED THAT HE'D DECLARE A
  • NATIONAL EMERGENCY, WHICH WOULD ALLOW HIM TO CONSTRUCT A BORDER
  • WALL WITHOUT CONGRESSIONAL APPROVAL.
  • AND THAT'S RIGHT UP TRUMP'S ALLEY.
  • REMEMBER, HE GOT ELECTED WITHOUT THE VOTERS' APPROVAL.
  • ( LAUGHTER ) IT'S ALL BECAUSE OF THE NATIONAL
  • EMERGENCIES ACT, WHICH WAS SIGNED INTO LAW BY PRESIDENT
  • GERALD FORD BACK IN 1976.
  • AT THE TIME, FORD NEEDED THE EMERGENCY POWERS TO RESPOND TO
  • AN EPIDEMIC OF DISCO FEVER.
  • ( LAUGHTER ) SO SAD.
  • SO TRAGIC.
  • WE LOST A LOT OF GOOD MEN.
  • ( LAUGHTER ) NOW, HERE'S THE THING -- THE
  • ESSENTIALLY ALLOWS TRUMP TO PRONOUNCE A NATIONAL EMERGENCY
  • ON A WHIM.
  • CLARIFYING WHAT THE FOUNDERS LAID OUT IN THE CONSTITUTION --
  • "SHOULD THERE ARISE A NATIONAL EMERGENCY, POWER SHALL BE VESTED
  • IN THE PRESIDENT TO DO WHATEVS."
  • ( LAUGHTER ) UNFORTUNATELY, THE ACT OFFERS NO
  • DEFINITION OF "EMERGENCY."
  • WE'RE IN WHAT LEGAL SCHOLARS CALL AN "'AIR BUD' SCENARIO."
  • "AIN'T NOTHIN' IN THE RULEBOOK THAT SAYS A GOLDEN RETRIEVER
  • CAN'T DECLARE MARTIAL LAW!" ( LAUGHTER )
  • ( APPLAUSE ) ONE OF THE STRANGEST POWERS THE
  • PRESIDENT GETS DURING A NATIONAL EMERGENCY ALLOWS HIM OR HER TO
  • SUSPEND THE LAW THAT BARS GOVERNMENT TESTING OF BIOLOGICAL
  • AND CHEMICAL AGENTS ON UNWITTING HUMAN SUBJECTS.
  • THEY CLEARLY ALREADY STARTED ON STEPHEN MILLER.
  • ( LAUGHTER ) YOU MONSTERS!
  • HE'S A HUMAN BEING!
  • OR HE WAS.
  • IF THIS SOUNDS HYSTERICAL AND CRAZY, REMEMBER -- IN THE PAST,
  • WE'VE RELIED ON PRESIDENTS TO USE SELF-DISCIPLINE WHEN IT
  • COMES TO EMERGENCY POWERS.
  • AND, SURE, LINCOLN WAS ABLE TO RESTRAIN HIMSELF, BUT LINCOLN
  • ALSO KNEW HOW TO CLOSE AN UMBRELLA.
  • ( LAUGHTER ) BUT TRUMP IS GOING TO HAVE A
  • HARD TIME CLAIMING THAT THERE'S A NATIONAL IMMIGRATION
  • EMERGENCY BECAUSE, UNDER HIS PRESIDENCY, ILLEGAL CROSSINGS
  • HAVE HIT A 20 YEAR LOW.
  • AS REPUBLICAN POLITICAL CONSULTANT STUART STEVENS PUT
  • IT, "THERE ARE NUMEROUS EXAMPLES OF PRESIDENTIAL ADDRESSES MADE
  • TO CALM A FRIGHTENED PUBLIC.
  • THIS WILL BE THE FIRST TO FRIGHTEN A CALM PUBLIC."
  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
  • THAT'S NICE.
  • AND TO START STOKING THE FEAR, THEY EVEN PULLED MIKE PENCE AWAY
  • FROM HIS MEAL OF TAP WATER AND HARD-BOILED TOAST TO PREVIEW
  • TRUMP'S SPEECH ON EVERY CHANNEL --
  • >> HE'LL TALK ABOUT THE 17,000 PEOPLE WITH CRIMINAL RECORDS
  • THAT WE'VE APPREHENDED AT OUR BORDER.
  • LAST YEAR ALONE, 17,000 INDIVIDUALS WITH CRIMINAL
  • HISTORIES WERE APPREHENDED AT OUR SOUTHERN BORDER.
  • THE APPREHENSION IN THE LAST YEAR OF 17,000 INDIVIDUALS AT
  • OUR SOUTHERN BORDER WITH PREVIOUS CRIMINAL HISTORIES.
  • >> STEPHEN: 17,000 PEOPLE WITH CRIMINAL HISTORIES?
  • WOW.
  • ALMOST AS MANY AS THE TRUMP CAMPAIGN.
  • ( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
  • YEAH.
  • YEAH.
  • AND, YEAH, BUT NO.
  • SEE, THAT 17,000 COUNTS EVERYONE WHO WAS STOPPED BORDER PATROL AT
  • EVERY POSSIBLE U.S. POINT OF ENTRY AND TURNED AWAY.
  • FOR ANY REASON.
  • IN FACT, AT ALL BORDERS, EVERYWHERE, 360,000 INDIVIDUALS
  • WERE APPREHENDED BY BORDER PATROL.
  • OF THOSE, ONLY 6,200 WERE FOUND TO HAVE CRIMINAL CONVICTIONS.
  • AND, OF THAT, 13%-- OR 800 PEOPLE-- HAVE RECORDS OF
  • VIOLENCE OR CONVICTIONS FOR SEXUAL OR FIREARMS OFFENSES.
  • THAT'S A RATIO OF 1 TO 450.
  • BY CONTRAST, ONE IN 12 ADULT AMERICAN CITIZENS HAS A FELONY
  • CONVICTION.
  • ONE IN TWELVE.
  • THAT MEANS 33 PEOPLE IN THIS ROOM ARE CRIMINALS.
  • ( LAUGHTER ) JOE?
  • ( LAUGHTER ) ( PIANO RIFF )
  • EXPLAINS THE BLACK HAT.
  • AND THAT'S NOT ALL.
  • OF THE PEOPLE WITH CRIMINAL RECORDS THAT CROSSED THE BORDER,
  • ALMOST HALF OF THEM WERE CONVICTED FOR ILLEGALLY ENTERING
  • OR REENTERING THE UNITED STATES.
  • GOT IT, SO HALF THE CRIMINALS TRYING TO CROSS THE BORDER ARE
  • ONLY CRIMINALS FOR TRYING TO CROSS THE BORDER.
  • IT'S A REAL CATCH-22.
  • IN THAT THEY SAID THEY CAUGHT 17,000 BUT IT WAS MORE LIKE 22.
  • ( LAUGHTER ) BUT MIKE PENCE WASN'T THE ONLY
  • ONE MAKING UP A BIG SCARY NUMBER.
  • HERE'S SARAH HUCKASANDS ON FOX NEWS SUNDAY.
  • >> WE KNOW THAT ROUGHLY, NEARLY 4,000 KNOWN OR SUSPECTED
  • TERRORISTS COME INTO OUR COUNTRY ILLEGALLY, AND WE KNOW THAT OUR
  • MOST VULNERABLE POINT OF ENTRY IS AT OUR SOUTHERN BORDER.
  • >> WAIT, WAIT, WAIT-- I KNOW THE STATISTIC, I DIDN'T KNOW YOU
  • WERE GOING TO USE IT.
  • BUT I STUDIED UP ON THIS.
  • DO YOU KNOW WHERE THOSE 4,000 PEOPLE COME-- WHERE THEY'RE
  • CAPTURED?
  • AIRPORTS.
  • >> NOT ALWAYS.
  • >> AT AIRPORTS.
  • >> CERTAINLY A LARGE NUMBER-- >> THE STATE DEPARTMENT SAYS
  • THERE HASN'T BEEN ANY TERRORISTS THAT THEY'VE FOUND COMING ACROSS
  • THE SOUTHERN BORDER WITH MEXICO.
  • >> IT'S BY AIR, IT'S BY LAND AND IT'S BY SEA.
  • IT'S ALL OF THE ABOVE.
  • >> STEPHEN: YEAH, THEY'RE COMIN' BY AIR, LAND, SEA, OUTER SPACE.
  • HELL, THE SKRULLS CAN DISGUISE THEMSELVES AS ANYTHING.
  • EVEN OLD LADIES!
  • BUT CAPTAIN MARVEL'S HERE TO KICK SOME ASS.
  • AND LOOK HOW YOUNG SAM JACKSON IS!
  • WHAT WERE WE TALKING ABOUT ( LAUGHTER )
  • RIGHT.
  • RIGHT, NATIONAL EMERGENCY.
  • ANYWAY, SO THESE TERRORISTS ARE NOT COMING THROUGH THE SOUTHERN
  • BORDER.
  • AND THEY ALSO MIGHT NOT BE TERRORISTS.
  • TURNS OUT ONLY SIX MIGRANTS-- NOT SANDERS' CLAIM OF 4,000-- ON
  • THE TERROR WATCH LIST WERE DETAINED.
  • YES, SIX.
  • ROUGHLY ONE BOY BAND OF TERRORISTS.
  • ( LAUGHTER ) BUT REMEMBER, ONE OF THEM IS THE
  • BAD BOY.
  • ( LAUGHTER ) ( PIANO RIFF )
  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( SINGING )
  • WITH SO MANY FALSE STATEMENTS COMING OUT OF THE TRUMP
  • ADMINISTRATION, FOLKS HAVE NOT BEEN EXPECTING TONIGHT'S SPEECH
  • TO CONTAIN A LOT OF TRUTH.
  • IN FACT, A EUROPEAN GAMBLING SITE WAS TAKING BETS ABOUT HOW
  • MANY FALSE STATEMENTS WILL PRESIDENT TRUMP MAKE DURING
  • TUESDAY NIGHT'S TELEVISED ADDRESS?
  • THE OVER UNDER IS AT 3.5 TAKE THE OVER!
  • ( LAUGHTER ) "GOOD EVENING."
  • (BUZZER) "MY FELLOW AMERICANS."
  • (BUZZER) ( LAUGHTER )
  • OF COURSE, IT MIGHT BE JUST ONE CONSTANT LIE BECAUSE THIS
  • AFTERNOON TRUMP SAID THAT HE IS WRITING THE SPEECH HIMSELF.
  • ( LAUGHTER ) NO, I BELIEVE HIM.
  • I BELIEVE HIM PAUSE CBS HAS OBTAINED AN ADVANCE COPY OF THE
  • SPEECH -- "MEXICANS BAD.
  • WALL GOOD.
  • LIE."
  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
  • TONIGHT.
  • KEEGAN-MICHAEL KEY IS HERE.
  • BUT WHEN WE RETURN, BEER.
  • STICK AROUND!

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