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Video Andy Samberg Shares His Rejected Golden Globes Jokes


  • -I don't think people fully appreciate
  • how many jokes you generate... -Yes.
  • then have the jokes you do for the Globes.
  • You have some that you chose not to do
  • that you're gonna -- you would like to read now.
  • -Yes, I mean, only because there's so little time to --
  • and you've got to choose wisely and...
  • -Yeah, you don't get a lot of time.
  • -But there were a lot of jokes we really loved
  • that we didn't get to cover.
  • And I thought, if it was okay with everyone here,
  • we might -- I would just bang through a bunch
  • that we didn't get to do.
  • -Yeah, all right, great. -Okay.
  • [ Cheers and applause ]
  • All right.
  • [ Cheers and applause continue ]
  • So -- So, just imagine that I'm onstage at the Globes.
  • [ Light laughter ]
  • Around 1,300 people attended the Golden Globes this year...
  • and only one will leave.
  • [ Laughter ]
  • [ Cheers and applause ]
  • -Wow. -Yeah.
  • "Crazy Rich Asians" is up for two awards,
  • and "Crazy Rich White People"
  • are up for the remaining 200.
  • [ Laughter ]
  • [ Cheers and applause ]
  • Yeah.
  • Should have done it. -Yeah.
  • -The International Ballroom where the Golden Globes are held
  • are divided into three tiers of seating --
  • libtards, snowflakes, and cucks.
  • [ Laughter ]
  • [ Laughter and applause ]
  • We wanted Sandra to say that one.
  • [ Light laughter ]
  • Would have been so dope. All right.
  • "Roma" was nominated for best director and best foreign film.
  • Guys, do yourself a favor --
  • go out and watch this one on the biggest phone you can find.
  • [ Laughter ]
  • It's on Netflix.
  • [ Laughter ]
  • "Roma" is such an emotional experience, when it was over,
  • I literally sat there and cried for a full five seconds
  • before Netflix started blasting a new movie
  • where Kurt Russell plays Santa Claus.
  • [ Laughter ]
  • [ Cheers and applause ]
  • -I got it. I dig that. -Yeah.
  • [ Cheers and applause continue ]
  • "Green Book" nominated,
  • which is, of course, a poignant biopic
  • about Dr. Seuss struggling to finish the title
  • of "Green Eggs and Ham."
  • [ Laughter ]
  • -It was originally just called "Green Book."
  • -Yeah, it was just "Green Book,"
  • and he was like, "How do I crack this?"
  • [ Light laughter ]
  • "BlacKkKlansman" was nominated, and judging by
  • the upper- and lower-case lettering in the title,
  • it is also a Wi-Fi password.
  • [ Laughter ]
  • That's a John Mulaney joke. -[ Laughing ] Yeah.
  • -He wrote it!
  • [ Laughter ]
  • -As you do. -As one does.
  • -[ Laughs ] [ Cheers and applause ]
  • -Love him.
  • [ Cheers and applause continue ]
  • The best.
  • Spike Lee's third time being nominated for a Globe,
  • and I got to say,
  • it's disappointing to see so few Knicks here supporting him.
  • [ Light laughter ]
  • -That's my favorite one. [ Laughter ]
  • -Yeah. -Yeah.
  • -He goes to a lot of Knicks games.
  • [ Laughter ] -Whoo!
  • -By the way, you would have done that in L.A.
  • This is actually in New York, and that [bleep] tanked.
  • [ Laughter ] -I'm so glad we didn't do it.
  • -Yeah.
  • -To the time machine!
  • [ Laughter ]
  • -All right.
  • [ Laughter ]
  • -"The Good Place" is nominated.
  • It's a philosophical afterlife comedy
  • that asks complicated questions,
  • like, can Ted Danson still get it?
  • [ Laughter ]
  • Not that complicated -- the answer is yes.
  • [ Cheers and applause ] Yeah.
  • Julia Roberts' Amazon show "Homecoming"
  • was adapted from a podcast...
  • would be a good sentence to confuse someone
  • who just woke up from a coma.
  • [ Laughter ]
  • [ Laughter continues ]
  • -Whoo!
  • -Again, we had very little time. [ Laughter ]
  • "The Americans" is nominated tonight
  • for Best Drama, Lead Actor, Lead Actress,
  • and Most People Getting Boned
  • in Front of Portraits of Ronald Reagan.
  • [ Laughter ]
  • "Pose" is nominated for best television series
  • from creator Ryan Murphy.
  • So, if you love drama and you love Ryan Murphy shows,
  • you have 37 different options.
  • [ Laughter ]
  • This Rachel Brosnahan -- it's her second time being nominated
  • for Best Actress in a Musical or Comedy
  • for her role in "Marvelous Mrs. Maisel."
  • Unfortunately, not nominated this year
  • is "Mrs. Maisel's" other lead actor, brisket.
  • [ Laughter ]
  • -There's a lot there.
  • They make... -They talk --
  • -They are often making a brisket on the show.
  • -And I can't front.
  • It makes me want brisket. [ Light laughter ]
  • It looks good.
  • They take time with the brisket on that show...
  • -They do. -...and it hits close to home.
  • -Their prop master makes that good brisket.
  • -Yeah. -Yeah.
  • -All right. There's more.
  • [ Laughter ]
  • -Whoo!
  • [ Chuckling ] There are so many more.
  • [ Laughter ]
  • The -- The writers did a bang-up job, is my point.
  • -They did a bang-up job, yeah. -All right.
  • Netflix beat out Amazon tonight
  • as the most nominated streaming service,
  • while the best streaming scene
  • was Bradley Cooper wetting himself in "A Star is Born."
  • [ Laughter ] Seth wrote that one.
  • -Did I? -Yeah.
  • [ Laughter and applause ]
  • Sent it to me, like five minutes before the show.
  • I was like, "What?!"
  • If Beale Street could talk, I think it would say,
  • "Ouch, stop driving on me!"
  • Seriously, we agreed to host this
  • super last minute, you guys.
  • [ Laughter ] That was the full joke.
  • Okay, and this one was a back-and-forth
  • with me and Sandra. -Okay, yeah.
  • So, will you read her parts?
  • -Yeah, yeah, yeah. -Okay.
  • -The all-female franchise reboot trend
  • continued this year with the movie "Ocean's 8,"
  • and there are many more on the way.
  • -Hey, you know what they should do --
  • a female reboot of "Magic Mike," but with all ladies.
  • You know, now, that I would watch.
  • [ Light laughter ] -Jesus Christ!
  • -Hey! The line starts right here, Seth!
  • Thank you. This has been my audition for "Green Book."
  • -Oh, that was really good. -Yeah, thank you.
  • -That was really good. That was --
  • Those were excellent.
  • -There's one more. -Great.
  • [ Laughter ]
  • -Don't cut any of these when you air this episode.
  • -Well, here's how you'll know if we cut any.
  • This one on the card says number 18.
  • [ Laughter and applause ]
  • So, if there are less than 18,
  • that means there were ones worse than the worst one you saw.
  • [ Laughter ]
  • [ Cheers and applause ]
  • -Oh, my God.
  • Please cut it down to one joke now.
  • -Yeah, right.
  • -All right, last one --
  • There were some amazing performances
  • by fine young actors this year --
  • Lucas Hedges in "Boy Erased" and "Ben Is Back"
  • and Timothée Chalamet in "Beautiful Boy."
  • And if you didn't have time to see them all, fear not,
  • 'cause we conveniently smushed them together and made
  • "Boy Beautiful Ben Is Erased Back Boy."
  • [ Laughter ]
  • -Bravo! -There you are. Yes.
  • [ Cheers and applause ] -That's the way we do it.
  • -Of course.
  • This was -- Right?
  • -Thanks to our writers.
  • -They did a great job. -They did a great job.
  • -Sandra did a great job, as well.
  • -Yes. -And it was really cool
  • because you and Sandra were great together,
  • and you really only knew each other
  • from presenting together at the Emmys, right?
  • -Yeah. No prior relationship other than that one time.
  • -It was so much fun to watch you guys together.
  • It was very... -Thanks.
  • -...very fortunate that you guys found each other at the Emmys,
  • because they were lucky to have you.
  • -Well, that's nice.
  • -I have one last thing to talk to you about,
  • which I'm thrilled --
  • "Brooklyn Nine-Nine" is coming back,
  • and it's an NBC show now. -Coming back.
  • [ Cheers and applause ] -So exciting.
  • [ Cheers and applause continue ]
  • It's the best! -Yeah.
  • [ Cheers and applause continue ] Thanks, guys.
  • You know, you saved it -- The Guardians of the Nine-Nine
  • saved the show. -There were -- Yeah.
  • Me, Guillermo del Toro... -Yeah.
  • -...Lin-Manuel, Mark Hamill... Yeah.
  • Astin. -...Sean Astin.
  • We all started tweeting, and then that's --
  • that's five -- that's just too much power to be ignored.
  • -Too much star power to not make a show keep going.
  • -But it is really amazing, because I feel as though
  • people are often heartbreaking -- heartbroken
  • when shows get canceled,
  • and they say, "Oh, maybe another network will pick it up."
  • It happens so rarely. -Yeah.
  • -And you just must be so -- it must be so nice
  • for you guys to still be doing this for your fans.
  • -It's incredible. -Yeah.
  • -And with each other. We love each other so much.
  • You know, coming back after a near death of the show,
  • like, everyone appreciates it so much more,
  • where we're like, "Oh, man, we get to keep hanging out!"
  • -Yeah. -You know?

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Andy Samberg shares some of his rejected Golden Globes Jokes and talks about the return of Brooklyn Nine-Nine.
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