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Video Stand-up comedy: Aisling Bea. Not viewable in UK/Ireland. Apr 2015

TheTV.info
10:59   |   12/11/2018 at 23:06

Transcription

  • you ready for your first act ladies and
  • gentlemen please get up and show our
  • laughter Ashley B
  • [Applause]
  • [Music]
  • [Applause]
  • oh I'm delighted hydrolyzed to be here
  • only because I actually haven't been
  • well recently but if you insist and I
  • really haven't thought so that's why I'm
  • delighted to get here today I was rushed
  • to a near a well I've done all problems
  • just hideous pains all up and down my
  • tummy and around my sides and I was
  • rushed to A&E and for about three hours
  • I thought and anyone here who ever read
  • a magazine as a teenager will know what
  • I mean especially the girls I taught
  • that I was about to have a surprise baby
  • stories in the magazine yard well
  • everything was normal
  • nothing was different everything was
  • rankeillor well then I went to the
  • toilet and I looked in the toilet and
  • there was a baby in the sole and that's
  • when I thought it was but and you'll be
  • happy to know that actually it was a I'm
  • bringing sexy back
  • I got infection
  • infection but the worst part of the of
  • the whole situation was that the doctor
  • in A&E was really really handsome and I
  • just I think doctors who were handsome
  • should be struck off I really do
  • I wanted someone with a sort of mashed
  • potato head that I could feel at one
  • with but instead this man was really
  • handsome he said to me Oh what seems to
  • be the problem and I was like well
  • doctor my problem is is that I'm too
  • cute
  • I mean how could I tell him that I
  • thought I was having a surprise baby or
  • else I was waiting for a poo I mean you
  • know and once we find out which one it
  • is do you want to go for a drink but by
  • the way you might notice that I talked
  • quite fast and if I'm honest it's not
  • really going to slow down too much you
  • all have to sort of jump on the van Gogh
  • bus of enthusiasm and beep the horn with
  • this one I think that the reason I talk
  • quite fast is because I was brought up
  • in the countryside in the deepest
  • darkest countryside where there was no
  • one from miles and miles around just as
  • giant expanse of land would know what to
  • talk to and was very very lonely enough
  • no one to speak to during the day I mean
  • a very backwards existence lads like are
  • our clothes are made of mud our hats
  • were made of leaves we had no access to
  • things like pot noodles we just had to
  • sort of pour boiling water on top of
  • bird's nests backwards existence and
  • crows everywhere crows in the city
  • there's pigeons everywhere but in the
  • countryside there's crows everywhere and
  • it makes everything you do seem really
  • ominous you'd open the window and I'd be
  • like
  • seems a bit ominous you know you'd be
  • standing innocently over a dead body in
  • a field this solid seems the gurram
  • honest and but the reason that I think I
  • talk quite fast is because I'd have no
  • one to talk to during the day and so
  • some days the only person you'd have to
  • talk to will be a passing car flying
  • along the road so you have to learn to
  • talk fast if you wanted to talk to
  • anyone you'd be like hi how's the board
  • oh my god come back it up to me you like
  • my new dress
  • stay be my friend somedays be waiting
  • for a tractor to come along because you
  • get more time out of a tractor you see
  • you get to talk to them for longer you'd
  • be like hi how's the cord you like
  • Sesame Street I like Sesame Street oh
  • you do like Sesame Street sometimes I
  • think Big Bird might not be a big bird
  • but he might just be a man in a suit I
  • know it sounds bad but I have my
  • suspicions good bye come back
  • also we talked quite a lot and I don't
  • really notice myself doing it the words
  • come out and I don't sort of see them
  • happening it's a symptom I like to call
  • secret talkers which I based on the
  • Channel 4 show secret eaters for those
  • of you who haven't it's basically well
  • someone comes along and goes oh what oh
  • no what call it lose anyway all of the
  • old days eat less and they put a camera
  • on them then for a week and then they go
  • to the mass words they go you know what
  • it is now do you know every time you
  • have lettuce you have a gateau Nina oh
  • that's probably what yeah I actually
  • suffer from a terrible disability which
  • prevents me from doing any exercise
  • which is where I can't and I can't be
  • arsed I can't be honest
  • I just kinda can't be and I would love
  • to be arsed I would love to be one of
  • those people who's naturally asked to do
  • things but I just sort of can't be and I
  • mean my disability affects me in so many
  • ways my ability to clean the bottom of
  • the ribbon bring my auntie's back at
  • Christmas I would love to but I just
  • sorta can't be ours too I mean I just
  • don't like moving too much I would sort
  • of rather sit on the couch and waste
  • away than move I don't really like
  • moving too much I don't even listen to
  • sad music in case I'll be moved and I
  • think the reason that I don't like
  • exercise is because the school I went to
  • didn't have much money so the sports
  • facilities weren't great and so a lot of
  • the sort of Sport and Exercise we used
  • to do used to leave us really pregnant
  • really pregnant well I did get tricked
  • into going to Pilates class because I
  • thought it was pronounced pilots 15
  • minutes I wonder why they're going to
  • let us fly the planes my friend Broner
  • suggested that I do something social
  • like ping-pong table tennis ping pong -
  • I mean I just the ball moves too fast I
  • can never see it to me ping pong just
  • looks like two perverts spanking a ghost
  • I'd love to have like american-style
  • confidence you know like a mirror
  • are there any Americans in look at that
  • I love the American style confidence
  • Americans just have this confidence from
  • the absolute gut of their culture they
  • just backed themselves Americans took
  • men and they sent them as far away as
  • the moon in Ireland were like Jays lads
  • it's a long long way to tipperary long
  • way to go I mean I don't think we could
  • make it there I don't think they could
  • make it anywhere oh by the way I'm Irish
  • the families in the mr. Perron somewhere
  • to park the van but yes I was going to
  • use it as a surprise reveal at the end
  • I'll tell you now I am actually Irish
  • but but yes it's the most confident
  • American I ever did see was the rapper
  • Kanye West not to be confused with a
  • Nobel laureate Kanye West and he did he
  • gave a couple of weeks ago where he was
  • so confident that in the middle of his
  • gig he stopped the song and said
  • everybody stand up
  • everybody stand up he said it in his own
  • accent not in an Irish accent but he's
  • like everybody stand up and he for
  • refused to do the song until everybody
  • stood up including two people in
  • wheelchairs
  • online and apparently he was so
  • confident that even the two people in
  • wheelchairs we're looking at each other
  • going I mean maybe we should just give
  • us a goal maybe what's been holding us
  • back all this time has been a lack of
  • confidence you know when I get a buzz
  • out of sitting down
  • [Music]
  • I do I love sitting down I even tried to
  • do this gig sitting down but they said
  • they couldn't legally classify as a
  • stand-up and well yes I really do love
  • sitting down you know the way you always
  • hear those stories and the tabloids
  • about those men who were found sat down
  • in a chair dead and alone and they
  • hadn't been found for days and they were
  • sat there covered in their own way oh no
  • those stories never mentioned is the
  • smile on that man's face but my mother
  • my mother said to me she's like Ashley
  • if you don't start to an exercise then
  • you could end up becoming fat ten I said
  • Jesus Mary and Joseph and all of his
  • carpenter friends what is fat thin
  • Aisling I read about it in a women's
  • magazine a women's magazine the only
  • targets of women's magazines or other
  • women fat thin is where your PIN but
  • you're secretly fast with your door to
  • any exercise you can also be pinned fat
  • fat fat tenpin too fat too thin thin in
  • the wrong place
  • pin in the right place fat in the wrong
  • place back in the right place no matter
  • what you do no matter what you try you
  • are definitely wrong
  • as if I don't have enough problems in my
  • life trying to walk down the street at
  • night and not get raped trying to live
  • in a society where 25 year old women are
  • stickin plastic and poison in their
  • faces so but the time they get to the
  • 40s and 50s they've nothing to do
  • themselves but pull out their eyeballs
  • and stick baby's eyeballs and instead
  • the tragedies die young throughout
  • popular stuff to make us live longer but
  • nobody wants to do anything as a
  • naturalist look older pompona stuff to
  • make us live longer but look younger so
  • by the time he died aged 100 in a box we
  • look like we've died tragically young
  • the way they weren't when they have to
  • fill up telephones without plugs not
  • consent a picture of a cache from one
  • side of the world to the other side of
  • the world and under a second and they
  • are still trying to go put faster
  • telephones it's still after two hundred
  • thousand years of the humanity we have
  • not come up with a better way to have a
  • baby child than to push something the
  • size of a bowling ball Oh
  • I said go showed up your flu mother I
  • didn't actually tell my mother to go and
  • shove it up her Floop I agreed to go to
  • a Zumba class gentlemen you've been
  • absolutely lovely
  • [Applause]

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Description

*Contains strong language. *Not viewable in UK/Ireland.
Comedy from Aisling Bea. Apr 2015

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