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Video The Happening (Part 1) – Nostalgia Critic

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Jan 13, 2016

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The Happening (Part 1) – Nostalgia Critic
The Happening (Part 1) – Nostalgia Critic thumb The Happening (Part 1) – Nostalgia Critic thumb The Happening (Part 1) – Nostalgia Critic thumb

Transcription

  • Why Does Everybody Keep On Hiring Me?
  • All Of My Work Is Shit!
  • Hey, Malcolm!
  • Hey, Critic!
  • Did you know 1/3 of the world's oranges are grown in Brazil?
  • What an odd thing to say.
  • I guess it's my quirk - oranges.
  • Ok, I'm going to shoot the review now.
  • As you know there are two types of the people in this world.
  • Those who believe that evil is good and those who believe that evil is evil.
  • Tamara, why are you spewing that sloppy unfocused philosophy?
  • I hear you whispering.
  • Plan on stealing something?
  • Why is nobody talking right today?!
  • Plan on murdering me in my sleep?
  • What? No.
  • Wait a minute. It's affecting me now.
  • Around 85% of oranges are produced for juice.
  • Oranges are domes-- As you know the world is filled with people who do not understand the ramifications of--
  • Well now that you're here I might as well make you suffer although I really dunno why.
  • (Overlapping voices)
  • My god. I know what this is- I know what's going on here!
  • This is-!
  • The Shyamalizing
  • Look! A camera we can all get obnoxiously close to! (Overlapping voices)
  • I should've seen the warning signs:
  • The bad, monotone acting, the dialogue that makes no sense whatsoever, and-
  • -Europe loving all of this for some reason!
  • *Sighs* Who knows who'll be next? If I'm not careful, all of us could end up like the actors from The Happening!
  • Based on a title so lazily vague that the film does everything in its power to justify it,
  • {There's something happening in a few states.}
  • {Could this really be happening?}
  • {Whatever's happening is happening population.}
  • (repeats of "happening")
  • The Happening has garnered a reputation as one of the most entertainingly bad movies ever made.
  • Yep. Right up there with The Room, Troll 2, and give it time.
  • For years we've made references to this trainwreck but have never given it a full review analyzing why it's so bad it's... actually kind of amazing.
  • So let's take a look to figure out what, how, and-- well we'll never figure out why, it's Shyamalan.
  • This is The Happening.
  • It starts off in New York as two women do what Shyamalan thinks two women do,
  • read a book at the same time.
  • {I forgot where I am.}
  • {You're at the place where the killers meet and decide what to do with the crippled girl.}
  • {*laughs* That's right.}
  • Good thing I was reading that exact same sentence.
  • As the crows suddenly realizes they're on the Truman show.
  • {Clair?}
  • Well, that's what I would do if I found out I was in The Happening.
  • Just down the street doesn't seem to be much better.
  • {Christ, McKenzie fell.}
  • Oh, no, not poor Christ McKenzie.
  • But it's raining men as everybody's apparently committing suicide or having a hell of a time catching roadrunners.
  • This leads us to our main character Elliott, played by Mark Wahlberg.
  • {Look, I dunno if you guys have heard about this article in the New York Times about honeybees vanishing?}
  • If you have not burst out into laughter yet from the mere delivery of that line, then you are watching the greatest drama you have ever seen in your life.
  • No, seriously, where's the real performance? That can't be for real.
  • {Scary, huh?}
  • I mean, this is Mark Wahlberg, a pretty damn good actor.
  • But I'm not kidding, he does the whole performance like this.
  • It's like he's on a 2am infomercial!
  • {Look, i dunno if you guys have heard about this article in the New York Times about honeybees vanishing?}
  • Scary, huh? Well now you can track 'em down with our new honeybee tracker. Order now and you'll also recieve a free Sam-Wow.
  • As we quickly discover, he's not that great a teacher either.
  • {Jake? You don't have an opinion? You should be more interested in science, Jake. You know why?}
  • It'll make you talk like Luke Skywalker if his whinyness levels were pushed to 20?
  • {Because your face is perfect. Now if you were interested in science you'd know facts like the human nose and ears grow a fraction of an inch each year,}
  • {So a perfect balance of features now might not looks so perfect 5 years from now. Take an interest in science.}
  • Yes, take an interest in science after I literally insulted your face.
  • Hey Suzy, you interested in science? Well that's because you're a slut.
  • In typical Shymalan style, Jake comes up with the laziest answer worded in a way that's trying to sound important.
  • {... An act of nature and we'll never fully understand it.}
  • Aaaand that's how you got a D in this class, kid.
  • {Nice answer, Jake.}
  • Oooor nice answer, Jake.
  • {I mean science will come up with some reason to put in the books, but we will fail to acknowledge that there are forces at work beyond our understanding.}
  • Yeah, great science teacher there. Something, something, something... magic.
  • Like all great scholars, he acknowledges that science is just a temporary solution for the real answer.
  • which is just shrugging your arms, saying "Pfffff, I dunno."
  • {The dark lord, don't look into her eyes.}
  • {Ooooo~}
  • {Vice principal! What can we do for you?}
  • Well you can clear out your desk, asshole. What do you think I'm gonna say after that!?
  • So all the teachers are forced to abandon their students.
  • Typical protocol..?
  • As they're all gathered in one room to be told about the crisis sweeping America.
  • {Central park was just hit by what seems to be a terrorist attack.}
  • {It's some kind of airborne chemical toxin that's been released in and around the park.}
  • {There appears to be an event happening.}
  • Ok, that's a tragedy or an emergency. An "event" is a sale at Target.
  • Y'know, for teachers, you're not very good with words.
  • {Central Park? That's kinda odd.}
  • Yeah, terrorists rarely go after landmarks with lots of people.
  • This means all the students are let out early.
  • {What're the rules of scientific investigation?}
  • {Identify the variables, design an experiment, careful observation and measurement, interpretation of experimental data.}
  • Jesus Christ- and don't forget to recite the first 2 chapters of Moby Dick!
  • "Call me Ishmael. Some years ago, never mind how long precisely, having little or no money in my purse.,"
  • {Mother just called my cell again, she's hysterical}
  • So while Wahlberg's friend, played by John Leguizamo, establishes his strange quirk, being his mother.
  • {I threw some figures at her- told her the probability of something happening in Philadelphia is very low.}
  • Hey, you stand out now!
  • We're introduced to Alma, played by Zoey Deschanel.
  • {She leaving you?}
  • {I didn't say that, it's just talk, okay? Just relax, please?}
  • Oh, no, we're at that Shyamalan stage where-
  • Critic, as you know, Jim and I have decided that we're in love even though we have no chemistry at all.
  • Whoopidy-doo.
  • No, it's bad: We're having trouble in our relationship, and we fear we'll never be a couple again.
  • No, no, that's just the Shyamalan talking, he always has a couple that's going through problems but is obviously gonna get together in the end.
  • No, Critic, as you know, this is pretty serious.
  • We're having some incredibly vague problems that only a supernatural event can fix.
  • Will you two be quiet?! Oranges!
  • Look, just stay in there, try to use logic, and for the love of god, don't be quirky!
  • But quirky is charming-
  • No, Jim, it's awkward! AWKWARD!
  • There are 600 varieties of oranges!
  • As you'd imagine, Deschanel's acting is about as bad as everyone else's.
  • But there is a certain alien freakiness about her facial expressions.
  • Yeah- she looks like this throughout the entire film.
  • It's like in every shot she realized she shit her pants and she wants nobody to realize it.
  • Her delivery isn't much better either.
  • {It makes you kill yourself... just when you thought there couldn't be any more evil that could be invented.}
  • *laughs* How do you even direct somebody to say a line that way?
  • "Alright Zoey, I want you to act like you're deaf, but in saying this line, you're hearing yourself for the first time, and you don't enjoy what you sound like."
  • {It makes you kill yourself... just when you thought there couldn't be any more evil that could be invented.}
  • That was definitely... a thing.
  • So Wahlberg says he'll meet Deschanel and Leguizamo at the train station.
  • {Where's Alma?}
  • {Restroom.}
  • {Hey Juilan.}
  • Why the hell'd you shoot it like that? Were you trying to make her look like a stalker?
  • {Hey Julian.} *screams*
  • {Hey Alma.} {How you doing?}
  • {Hangin' in there.}
  • Mm-hm. Typical 7-year-old response.
  • "Hangin' in there. Still looking for a job, got those bills to pay, it's hard being a single mother".
  • So while on the train they're being told that the panic is spreading.
  • {You okay?} {They say Boston got hit too.}
  • {Where'd you hear that?} {A friend from work; what about eh-that?}
  • Christ, that college girl who took theater as a blow-off class is acting better than you!
  • The train stops suddenly as it looks like they're kicking everybody off.
  • {What do you mean? Where are we?}
  • {Filbert, Pennsylvania.} {Does anybody know where that is?!}
  • {Hey, why would you just stop-}
  • Y'know, if you could take the whining of a dog and convert it into a language, it'd be this performance.
  • {Sorry. She whispers stuff when she gets scared.}
  • {We're so much the same, Jess. I don't like to show my emotions either,}
  • Tch. Yeah, to quote Wahlberg from earlier, "Duh" with a capital "eyughyuh".
  • And the danger still seems to be spreading as one man says farewell to arms in the lion's den.
  • {Mother of God, what kind of terrorists are these?}
  • "They're such hairy and yellow terrorists-- they must be from the land of Oz".
  • So everybody takes off as the virus seems to be right in their neighborhood and Leguizamo decides to leave his daughter with Wahlberg so he can go back for his wife.
  • Because... things always turn out well for people who do that, right?
  • {She's gonna be a lot safer with you. I have to go.}
  • {I got her, Julian-} {Don't take my daughter's hand unless you mean it.}
  • Oh I'm sorry, why don't you find another couple to look after the daughter you're lovingly abandoning? You're welcome, asshole.
  • {There's a car}
  • Very good, Zoey, now can you tell which one's the plane?
  • So Wahlberg's gang gets a ride with a guy who runs a plant nursery poorly located next to a nuclear power plant.
  • ... Why do I get the feeling this is all streaming from there?
  • "Doh! Mr. Burns, I'm afraid I caused the happening." "Simpson you idiot! Now we're trapped in an M. Night Shyamalan film! And not one of the good ones!"
  • "Either of them! *laughs*"
  • They're collecting a few things before they go, when this... bit of strangeness is said.
  • {We're packin' hotdogs for the road.. Y'know, hotdogs get a bad rap. They got a cool shape, they got protein... you like hotdogs, right?}
  • Brought to you by hotdogs. Wanna be less cautious about where your meat comes from than Chicken McNuggets? Hotdogs!
  • {I think I know what's causing this.} {You do?} {It's the plants.}
  • Wait, what?
  • {It's the plants. They can release chemicals.}
  • Wow. That's... actually the twist of the movie. It's plants.
  • I know it seems like I'm giving some stuff away early here, but the movie is giving away some stuff earlier here so what do I care?
  • We're not even 1/3rd into the film and you already gave away the big twist.
  • {You like hotdogs, don't you?}
  • ... Followed by that!
  • D-do you need to go back to Film 101?
  • I think most people know this.. you don't give away the twist before you give. away. the twist!
  • You wouldn't open Citizen Kane with "It's a sled", it's kind of a no-brainer!
  • Critic, as you know, we think we know what's caused the Shyamalization.
  • Okay, what?
  • The walls.
  • No, we're not doing that.
  • As you know, it makes a lot of sense, they use lead paint-
  • No, even for a parody we're not doing that.
  • Y'know, oranges typically contain 10 segments.. maybe one of them contains Shyamalization.
  • Fine, make a connection to that, but we're not doing goddamn walls.
  • How're we supposed to make oranges the twist?
  • I don't know! If the freaking Giving Tree can be an antagonist in a movie, why can't oranges? Now get crackin'!
  • You guys like oranges, right?

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Description

A bad Shyamalan drama makes for a hilarious unintentional comedy! The Nostalgia Critic reviews The Happening.

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