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Video Everything Wrong With Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

TheTV.info
16:05   |   3M+ views   |   07/22/2018 at 20:29

Transcription

  • this movie exists 26 seconds of snow
  • goes man cuz it's beginning be anymore
  • Harry Potter over three and a half
  • minutes of confection Concepcion opening
  • credits if I wanted to know how
  • chocolate was born I'd take a trip to
  • Hershey Pennsylvania this is a story of
  • an ordinary busy boy named Charlie
  • Bucket Walker agent this Charles Dickens
  • meets dr. Seuss house appears to be
  • rundown except it was obviously built
  • this way so there's no way this door
  • exists if it's not specifically designed
  • to go into this door frame evening
  • buckets evening movie pays homage to the
  • original film's four-person bed an
  • awesome image but entirely impractical
  • where to Grandpa Joe and grandpa George
  • even put their legs and do we even want
  • to know
  • I saw with my own two eyes I used to
  • work for him you know you did Charlie
  • I've been building this exact scale
  • replica of the fucking Chocolate Factory
  • for who knows how long but grandpa never
  • brought up that he worked there until
  • now Willy Wonka began with a single
  • store on Cherry Street grant position
  • I'm gonna guess that Walker somehow
  • bypassed the FDA when concocting his
  • candy stores in that illicit genius if
  • you can do that we've seen so far the
  • door at grandpa Joe was looking for is
  • wizard or based on the way Depp plays
  • the character possibly easy I'm with
  • Charlie
  • why would grandpa Joe hear that part of
  • the story I don't think getting riled up
  • in the four-poster was a good idea but
  • mr. Wonka was right of course
  • soon after this that came a very hot day
  • with the boiling Sun so Prince
  • Pondicherry thought this wouldn't happen
  • were there no hot days while Wonka was
  • making the palace and how did this
  • conversation of whether or not the
  • prince intended to eat or live in the
  • palace not come up in the whole time it
  • was being worked on they began sending
  • in spies to steal the secret recipes I'm
  • not the most up-to-date on my sweet
  • treat spy craft but in general wouldn't
  • you rendezvous somewhere slightly
  • further away from the very Chocolate
  • Factory you were spying on Seiko Guba
  • started making
  • nice cream that would never melt so we
  • the not melting ice cream was actually
  • invented and sold then Grandpa Joe
  • shouldn't be talking about it as if it's
  • some big revelation he's running the
  • machines
  • nobody knows Johnny certainly it's a
  • mystery not as big of a mystery is how
  • no one ever fucking told Charlie any of
  • these stories before I give anything in
  • the world just to go in one more time
  • and see what's become of that amazing
  • factory rabbit John was foreshadowing so
  • hard right here he might start smelling
  • toast so they just eat and go to bed no
  • one gets bathroom breaks
  • all four of them are bed panning it I
  • think is impossible Charlie seen how a
  • character suddenly becomes lucid just in
  • time to give sobering words of
  • encouragement cliche also this all seems
  • like strange motivation for something
  • that hasn't even happened yet Charlie's
  • family seems to be creating this goal
  • for Charlie to get in Wonka's factory
  • even before the golden ticket news has
  • been announced indeed that very night
  • Charlie died from severe hypothermia
  • from a gaping hole in the roof mere
  • inches from his bed I'd take a good
  • danny elfman score as much as the next
  • guy but sometimes I get the feeling he's
  • just been using variations on the men in
  • black score for every movie since 1997
  • so dozens of people just happen to be
  • converging on this pole at the exact
  • same time are they all just there for
  • the every second Thursday telephone pole
  • snow orgy and happen to find this
  • message from Wonka dear people of the
  • world the world so did the delivery boys
  • ride those Vespas around the entire
  • world to post these notices in one night
  • what kind of santa's label does that
  • also where did that massive staff come
  • from they're not opelu past but Wonka
  • trusted them to deliver all these
  • notices and the chocolates with the
  • golden tickets even though he swore off
  • humanity years ago one of these children
  • shall receive a special prize beyond
  • anything you could ever imagine
  • you're giving them the factory right I
  • think you may be selling my imagination
  • short Wonka because I totally just
  • pulled off imagining that a candy bars
  • may be anywhere and he's shot and any
  • Street in any town in any country in
  • as long as the five winners can speak
  • English for the movie sake haha I get it
  • kids fat and loves chocolate but you're
  • telling me his mother wouldn't clean the
  • chocolate off his face before he goes in
  • front of the cameras yes man suppose his
  • daughter and no good ever comes from
  • spoiling a child like that someone
  • hasn't been keeping up with the
  • kardashians together 381 years and we
  • don't wait damn that was either some
  • quick math by crappy Joe or he's been
  • creepily monitoring this total for a
  • while now what's the point of this
  • attention filled fake out reveal is
  • there a single human watching this movie
  • that doesn't know that bucket boy is
  • gonna eventually get a ticket fine I'll
  • give you manufacturing dates and weather
  • but Nikkei index what does the tokyo
  • stock market have to do with anything
  • and regarding mike strategy the bar with
  • the ticket would still have to randomly
  • end up in denver right you ungrateful
  • didn't fuck jesus does mr. buckets have
  • beats by dre sound canceling abilities
  • in his hands Charlie should still be
  • able to hear at least some of Grandpa
  • Georgia's tapestry of profanity Oh for
  • the love of roald dahl how many times do
  • we need to go through this
  • disappointment nonsense we spent the
  • first 30 minutes of this movie on golden
  • ticket fake outz poverty born and being
  • narrated at can we get to some chocolate
  • factoring already
  • one 1/4 scrumptious watch Manitou like
  • pace Charlie finds 10 bucks in the snow
  • and his first thought is to buy a third
  • candy bar even after overhearing that
  • the last ticket was already found no
  • worries Charlie you've got a family of
  • seven in a one-room shack eating cabbage
  • water for every meal but you go right
  • ahead and buy some more chocolate this
  • old puppet carousel is the perfect
  • metaphor for this movie a fake plastic
  • reproduction that's annoyingly loud and
  • garish and ends up completely going down
  • in flames Tim Burton obviously decided
  • the 1971 version of this story didn't
  • have enough nightmare fuel where exactly
  • did Wonka come from if the entrance to
  • the factory is right in front of them
  • also wouldn't there be at least a murmur
  • from the crowd behind the gate from
  • seeing Wonka for the first time in ages
  • good morning Starshine the earth says
  • hello if you listen closely with the
  • right kind of ears somewhere in the
  • middle of that line you can hear the
  • exact moment the world had had enough of
  • Johnny Depp's nonsense and the rest of
  • you must be there for parents yeah mom Z
  • dad's dad I cannot begin to tell you how
  • quickly and forcefully I would remove
  • children from this man's presence why
  • you're literally in a chocolate factory
  • pretty sure that was the one thing you
  • didn't need to bring also movie is
  • deeply committed to us hating every
  • single character that isn't named bucket
  • I don't care how much you like good old
  • Charlie it's a lot of asshole hurry to
  • sit through my grits I am guessing there
  • were many involved in this head trip of
  • a movie that didn't EE try some of
  • Wonka's craps you need to cross of
  • course you can but would you want to
  • they've been walking all over that I
  • understand they had to make these kids
  • unlikable but Tim Burton went way over
  • the top of this I mean if you're gonna
  • remake this why not give these
  • characters a tiny bit of nuance instead
  • of doubling down on the asshole Atun
  • Oompa Loompas imported direct from the
  • loop Elaine would walk I've done if he
  • didn't happen upon a sudden and
  • conveniently subservient workforce he'd
  • already fired his entire staff right he
  • wants us to believe that as fastidious
  • and I don't know whatever's going on
  • with Willy Wonka he travel through King
  • jungle earning Swaddlers and
  • snozzwangers and
  • terrible wicked Whangdoodle what are the
  • nicknames for my penis I'll take over
  • actors named Johnny for 500 hours sword
  • swallowing I went to loompaland looking
  • for exotic new flavors instead I found
  • the in balloons and I totally wouldn't
  • have believed that these new balloons
  • existed if I didn't have this completely
  • necessary back story I'm more willing to
  • buy that won't Killearn the looper
  • language and could communicate with them
  • than being able to acquire all the
  • passports and documentation it would
  • take to get them back to his factory hey
  • little boy Mike must be touched by human
  • hands
  • that doesn't seem like a great marketing
  • strategy also why the hell didn't want
  • to tell them that from the beginning
  • there was one rule why don't all the
  • Oompa Loompas look the same why are they
  • mini at your humans where did they find
  • their love for musical theater why are
  • they wearing full-body latex uniforms
  • and why do they write songs like a fifth
  • grader trying to figure out what rhymes
  • with poop look movie you're the one that
  • wanted to give the backstory for these
  • guys so now I need to know if I know my
  • high school physics and then I probably
  • don't when you have an overweight child
  • object stuck in your vacuum isn't the
  • pressure above the blockage not below so
  • why would it be spraying out like this
  • all the way down here so did the song
  • and dance number fix the situation
  • because the Oompa Loompas otherwise did
  • jack I didn't say that don't even bother
  • at Hearst they knew it was gonna happen
  • as if we needed more reasons to hate
  • them these snozzwangers would be
  • excellent at cinema since I want you to
  • take mrs. gloop up to the fight room
  • okay is it just me or does taking mrs.
  • gloop up to the fudge room sound like a
  • new euphemism for hitting the restroom
  • wonk on that forever yeah on with the
  • toys they're still going on the tour
  • after all the augustus Gloop went down
  • these people deserve whatever saw-like
  • torture device falls on their heads
  • human hands can't touch the chocolate
  • the bottom of the boat is fine as we're
  • told several times the wonderful
  • churning is what makes the chocolate
  • unique so this is definitely introducing
  • an unnecessary variable
  • [Music]
  • God why does everything in this movie
  • take forever to happen look one percent
  • of Tim Burton's imagination would kick
  • the shit out of the rest of the world in
  • an imagination battle but this seems a
  • little overboard even for him
  • sure Wonka would have an extravagant
  • book but wouldn't he pick something that
  • fit better with the theme that's a
  • dragon have to do with any of this
  • Lucas antagonist oppose mm rehash gets
  • an origin story even though it doesn't
  • need one and no one asks for one cliche
  • also it's completely counterintuitive
  • that this movie is called Charlie and
  • the Chocolate Factory when it's much
  • more wok eccentric than the first one I
  • know it's supposed to be a more faithful
  • adaptation of the book but you know how
  • many feel about that around here hmmm
  • they'd get stuck in your braces wouldn't
  • they oh man I had a drag poor
  • Christopher Lee into this didn't they
  • also of course Willy Wonka's dad was a
  • dentist who never let him have candy
  • Wonka's backstory was apparently written
  • by Admiral obvious also also whether it
  • count dooku Saruman will he go out
  • trick-or-treating in the first place if
  • your candy burns like this and I hate to
  • be the one to tell you this either
  • you've got some bad candy or you're in a
  • Tim Burton movie and we can add animal
  • cruelty for the sake of a visual pond to
  • the growing list of reasons this Factory
  • would have been shut down ages ago
  • these are everlasting gobstoppers you
  • can suck on it all year and it'll never
  • get any smaller also known as the
  • everlasting choke hazard I'd rather you
  • didn't there's still one or two things
  • that are oh come on
  • Wonka we all know what you're up to you
  • put a stick of chewing-gum right in
  • front of the chewing gum champion this
  • whole thing is a big batch of entrapment
  • mixed with a heaping helping of child
  • endangerment and you're enjoying every
  • second of it that is one stretchy sweat
  • suit
  • someone called Bruce banners stylist
  • because I think we found the material
  • for his next outfit
  • [Music]
  • I swear to the great Gobstopper in the
  • sky the music in this movie makes the
  • music in the Lorax look like Hamilton by
  • comparison regardless of how exaggerated
  • her look is that's still violets body
  • the Oompa Loompas could be doing some
  • serious damage by jumping on it we've
  • got a squeeze all that juice out of her
  • immediately given wonka's look and
  • general demeanor I'm thinking this
  • environment is the only place where he
  • could say the sentence and not be
  • immediately arrested
  • what's the special fries you gets it the
  • best kind of prize is a surprise ha ha
  • ha ha the problem with Johnny Depp's
  • portrayal is that it takes the beautiful
  • beleaguered but eccentric frustration of
  • Gene Wilder's Wonka and turns it into
  • nothing more than a case of a sociopath
  • with severe Arrested Development the
  • take which steals all the joy of Wonka
  • finding someone to finally take over the
  • factory and instead just makes us want
  • to alert the proper authorities I think
  • that he's got a path that's why we
  • nicknamed him Lance Luca little girl
  • Jesus movies like watching a slow speed
  • car chase after popping a couple valium
  • it's always fun to see a kid's movie
  • turn into a street horror film seriously
  • bring on squirrel spiria least it would
  • be interesting sure most of these kids
  • are awful but these parents are worse
  • they're incapable and uninterested in
  • helping their kids out mr. salt can't
  • jump over the railing and run down the
  • stairs to save his daughter from some
  • squirrels for the sole purpose of this
  • visual guide Wonka was able to procure
  • an over large steak from Looney Tunes
  • lion is it just me or does welcome to
  • fudge Mountain sound like a euphemism
  • for you know what maybe this whole movie
  • is a euphemism for taking a dump and
  • this is the puppet hospital and Burn
  • Center it's relatively new
  • come on movie you've already established
  • how weird Wonka is by the fact that he
  • has random flashbacks and likes to play
  • murder children this is just unfunny
  • overkill hey so the only female in bloom
  • pose at the factory who work in the
  • front office I knew one cop was crazy
  • but sexist - he doesn't have to have a
  • point that's why I scared
  • nice try mr. Burton you're not covering
  • up all your nonsensical bull that easily
  • your Ruby still has to have an engaging
  • story and voice as is yet another
  • flashback when we already get the point
  • looks like newline like Christopher Lee
  • keep those Saruman powers for an extra
  • year I don't figure wrong
  • and even if we go by the assumption that
  • Wonka set all this up ahead of time
  • there are several things that still have
  • to fall into place
  • Augustus has to be left on his own and
  • start drinking out of and fall into the
  • river violet has to take the gum bait
  • which might be the easiest one but it
  • still has to go exactly as planned
  • Farooq asked to be interested enough in
  • the squirrels to go down and get herself
  • thrown down the chute and Mike has to
  • ask to pick a room it happens to be the
  • TV room and he has to get the idea to
  • transport himself wouldn't be easier to
  • just get them all in the factory have
  • them decide who's the last man standing
  • like the Joker did in The Dark Knight
  • incorrect inertia alert when this
  • elevator shoots forward everyone should
  • fall backwards not into the wall in
  • front of them cool you invented
  • teleportation and also apparently
  • levitation how is this Johnny Depp's ego
  • sized candy bar floating well why would
  • I want to send a person they don't taste
  • very good Oh
  • for those keeping track at home that is
  • the third cannibalism joke in this movie
  • all of which were the same basic
  • punchline and the same paucity of funny
  • um down Mike I think mr. Wonka knows
  • what he's talking about really mr. DB
  • you can say that with a straight face
  • been harmed what are you talking about
  • little-known fact Warner Brothers
  • originally hired Edgar Wright to direct
  • the sequence but in a different way due
  • to creative differences Charlie's the
  • only one that's you mean you're the only
  • one yes I don't blame Wonka for not
  • realizing this because I sure don't
  • forgot Charlie was part of this movie
  • and we mustn't dilly or dally because we
  • have an enormous number of things to do
  • before the days out but luckily for us
  • we have the great glass elevator to
  • speakeasy
  • I wish the creators of this movie had a
  • glass elevator then because this movie
  • took so little time and had so much that
  • was interesting
  • sorry strike all that reverse it it's
  • amazing to think that 12 years before
  • this Steven Spielberg made us believe
  • dinosaurs were walking on the earth but
  • Tim Burton can't make us believe that a
  • little girl is doing flips down some
  • stairs also it's great to get
  • confirmation that the kids are okay and
  • the only residual issue they'll have to
  • deal with is their horribly mutilated
  • bodies you got some Star Wars and my
  • Willy Wonka movie
  • proper young Brit would say elevator
  • it's a lift dear Veruca you want a
  • flying glass lift you must be the boy's
  • parents yeah alright that manufactured
  • an unnecessary Wonka backstory still
  • hasn't been resolved guess we've got
  • another 15 minutes a fudge Mountain to
  • wade through I had the strangest
  • revelation bringing there's still time
  • for another flashback who would watch
  • over them after I was gone I realized in
  • that moment
  • I must find it here hey movie will
  • handle the ham-handed puns over here
  • dammit
  • yes please and this movie wraps up more
  • cleanly and wholesome than episode of
  • growing pains like peanuts I love
  • peanuts Olli
  • grandma Georgina's Lucid did Wonka also
  • invent the cure for dementia so they
  • built an exact replica of their whole
  • house in the factory kind of sense does
  • that make
  • and don't give me that cheap bull about
  • how candy doesn't even have to make
  • sense it's their domicile what do we got
  • root canal and by the looks of those
  • x-rays it's not gonna be pretty
  • [Music]
  • you see a earmuffs niggas a bitch
  • whatever you want
  • oh we're open about Marian don't look at
  • it no matter what happens
  • gots dis flavored chocolate coated glue
  • Wow welcome to fetch Mountain would you
  • please give a warm welcome to John
  • Redcorn in big mountain fudgecake

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Description

We've been asked to sin this movie for years. And finally we did. And now we regret it. This movie... this is not my kind of movie. Here are the sins of Charlie & the Chocolate Factory.

Next week: Song sins & recent sins.

Remember, no movie is without sin! Which movie's sins should we expose next?!

Podcast: http://soundcloud.com/cinemasins
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Call us: 405-459-7466
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Keywords

charlie and the chocolate factory willy wonka tim burton johny depp johnny depp cinemasins cinema sins everything wrong with eww movie mistakes review

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