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Video Toasted Tomato Sandwich - You Suck at Cooking (episode 79)
03:31   |   02/23/2019 at 22:57


  • [♫]
  • The toasted tomato sandwich brings us back to a simpler time.
  • A time before smart phones and satellites;
  • A time before algebra and toilets.
  • Back when things were easy.
  • A time when character was built from hard work and hard knocks.
  • Out in the country, where tomatoes come from.
  • And that's where this sandwich begins:
  • In a field, with the simple tomato.
  • If you've never had a freshly picked field tomato,
  • well you're missing out.
  • And if you don't have a field with tomatoes growing in it,
  • you can get them at a roadside stand.
  • Next thing you'll need is whole wheat bread
  • which starts with whole wheat.
  • Wrap some up inside burlap
  • and leave it under the strong crisp light of the moon for three lonely nights.
  • Tie up the end then sell it to your neighbor as a pillow.
  • Then use that money to buy a loaf of whole wheat bread
  • that you can call your own.
  • Now take that bread, fix it to a skewer,
  • and under the light of the hot afternoon Sun,
  • gingerly place it into your
  • 500 watt galvanized steel nichrome wire lateral current low impedance split phase omnidirectional quad voltage wide arc triple coil toasting machine.
  • Powered by an 8,000 horsepower truck.
  • And plunge it all the way down, until your toast is golden
  • from the power of heat and fresh country air.
  • [INHALE]
  • Now spread that toast with full fat mayo,
  • squeezed from the thostle of a Hercules plant,
  • until it's exactly a quarter of a half inch thick.
  • Slice your Tomatoes with a freshly sharpened blade,
  • forged from a hunk of carbon stainless meteorite iron.
  • Then lay them on with care
  • at dawn.
  • Wander on down to a nearby saltwater stream
  • and collect one of Earth's most precious minerals:
  • Rhodium.
  • And trade it for an equal amount of salt.
  • Then sprinkle that onto the tomatoes.
  • Harvest fresh peppercorns, then smash them
  • with your spike and rail.
  • And spread them onto the sandwich generously
  • Put the second piece of mayonnaise slathered toast on top,
  • and slice your toasted tomato sandwich into
  • two 3-point-allelograms, while quietly acknowledging
  • the presence of the Illuminati.
  • th̕e͘ ̷prese͟nce ̸of̸ ͞th͘e ̛I̧l͜lumin̕a̷t̛i.̀
  • th͟e͝ ̀pres̨en͢ce̴ ͟of ̴t͏h͞e I̵l͢l҉umi̧nati̸.
  • th̕͜e ́͝p҉̶r̶̀̕e͠ş͠enc͠e̴͜ ̶ǫ͞͡f́͟͜ ͘thę̴ ͞I̵̡l̕͘l̢u̷͜m͏in͟͠à̢t̢i̵̶.̛
  • t̶̢̡͜ḩ̀è̷͘ ̢̛͘ṕ̷͘ŕ̵e̕͟͏s̷̡̛e҉̨n̡͏̶ć̛e̸̢̛͠ ̶̧͟͝o҉͜f̡͜ ̷̕͜͢ţ̵́͟h̀e͏̶̛́͠ ̡̨́͠I̶̛҉l̸̢͡l̴̀͘͝͠ù̡̢̀͢ḿ̀͟i̷͟͠n̨̕̕͟͠a̷̵͞t̷҉̵̡͡i̵͡͝͏.̴͘
  • Then take your sandwich out into the yard,
  • into the corn, then through the woods,
  • down a lonely road, and across the beans.
  • Out into the country where the bales lay still,
  • and take a quiet moment to recognize
  • that your toasted tomato sandwich
  • has become soggy.
  • That you should have eaten it immediately
  • when the toast was crisp.
  • But you had to walk around like a show-off,
  • and now you're paying the price.
  • Tell yourself you'll do better next time.
  • Out here in the country.
  • Where tomatoes come from.

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