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Video Everything Wrong With Ralph Breaks the Internet

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21:00   |   Mar 19, 2019

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Everything Wrong With Ralph Breaks the Internet
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  • [Music]
  • forty-eight seconds for two logos to
  • tell you that Disney did this boom
  • accept your apology the director said
  • let's have Raph eat a giant cherry that
  • looks like an apple it'll make him look
  • like even more of an asshole let's just
  • distill this movie's myth about tamper
  • okay that guy sold alcoholic drinks to
  • Cowboys athletes punk rockers and aliens
  • the idea that he sells root beer to
  • these videogame characters is a lie this
  • is true then the adult videogame
  • characters in this world are depressed
  • as hell they can't get the good stuff
  • we're barely two minutes in and this
  • movie has a burping contest
  • hey Disney the kids who watch this six
  • years ago already thought planking was
  • tired
  • Tron has a virus which woman tell me how
  • that works with an arcade machine and
  • furthermore if these two movies have
  • taught me anything the arcade owner
  • disposes of the machines as soon as it
  • didn't goes wrong with him so why is he
  • keeping Tron plugged in Oh in the
  • service of one stupid joke movie yada
  • yada is the entire line of logic that
  • would explain how vanellope and Ralf got
  • out of the Tron game like this appears
  • to be the same night so what happened
  • did Felix come out and let them out for
  • 27 years I was in 2001 a friend we
  • discussed the weirdness of different
  • generations of video games with
  • different advances in code easily moving
  • in and out of every game they want
  • because that's weird yeah also does
  • nobody accept vanellope and Ralf wander
  • from game to game in this arcade you
  • don't see anybody else in other games
  • unless it's a tapper
  • character humorously misappropriates
  • another sport when talking about playing
  • another sport cliche this is what I used
  • to tell my college roommate whenever I
  • thought there was a possibility of
  • coitus in my dorm room that night Lizzie
  • wife well it's either wiffle ball or an
  • arranged marriage game
  • how would Ralf have any clue about
  • arranged marriages I know I know it's a
  • joke but it's a stupid joke given the
  • context of the character the internet
  • which is an online community where human
  • beings go to shop so I'm explaining ya
  • the glitch
  • which stands there are glitched fans in
  • this universe now oh this is presented
  • as vanellope kicking everyone's ass in
  • this game on a consistent basis but if
  • the player who was controlling her sucks
  • what happens then she's super popular so
  • I assume she's very rarely an NPC that
  • could dominate on her own and yeah she
  • later takes the detour on her own but
  • apparently that's the first time it's
  • ever happened cool but isn't he supposed
  • to be inside his game right now and the
  • end of the last movie told us how
  • popular it is now ever since Qbert
  • characters got inside it funny how the
  • Toy Story characters managed to live
  • under one basic rule about not revealing
  • themselves to humans and video game
  • characters have none vanellope
  • apparently likes the idea of a new track
  • more than winning and she completely
  • removes control of her character from
  • the young people playing her game maybe
  • the point is that they never had control
  • but what if someone simply decided to
  • stop play what they see vanellope
  • continue hauling ass on the track and
  • winning no no no how are they not seeing
  • where I'll come into this picture on the
  • screen here Penelope was the only
  • viewable character during the race so
  • they should all be clearly visible right
  • Mary's camera you know I take my duty as
  • your hero very seriously Duty part 2d
  • how much that's more than this game
  • makes in a year maybe you should put
  • some Qbert characters into it we found
  • some good homes for so many of our chums
  • from sugar rush by the way what did
  • happen to those Qbert characters from
  • the last movie they are suspiciously not
  • here anymore
  • come along condiment that's racist why
  • does your lame TV only have one channel
  • other TVs and sugar rush the plate cable
  • or some it's a miracle this world has a
  • TV or other videogame characters that
  • act and chose ye oh boy oh boy this goes
  • on for a frustrating amount of time this
  • is an important mission I won't cover
  • for you yeah but a central character
  • will still be missing from the game
  • right wasn't this the main problem with
  • the last movie apparently with currency
  • that translates between very different
  • games and is never explained shots okay
  • connect to network Ralph and vanellope
  • picked the perfect time to go to the
  • Wi-Fi router as it just happens to be
  • the very moment lip wackest turning it
  • on and operating it also in the previous
  • movie mister lip wax first name is Stan
  • but on his nametag here it's clearly del
  • the hell happened there
  • let's Litwack arcade taken over by
  • Stan's evil twin through this very
  • strange arcane process vanellope and
  • Ralph are shot through the internet you
  • gotta get there somehow I suppose but
  • even for a warped cartoon reality this
  • seems like a stretch I know it seems
  • like they're going super fast from their
  • perspective but this is an aching Lee
  • slow pace for data to travel for that
  • reason I'll assume lit wax internet
  • provider is Devin Lee Comcast
  • you know a movie is in trouble when it
  • looks like the same world from the emoji
  • movie I know Ralph has to have a place
  • he can break but why does the internet
  • always have to be represented by some
  • central city in TV and movies isn't the
  • entire point that it's not centralized
  • they never say thank you does the knows
  • more search engine really not know how
  • this works if someone actually said
  • thank you to him that would be world
  • chattering it's very intuitive just say
  • bla bla bla movie the only reason
  • Penelope is better at internetting than
  • Ralph is is that she's playing a younger
  • character I mean it's not like she's an
  • actual spring chicken the whole reason
  • they're here is because her old ass
  • games been discontinued also can we
  • discuss how incredibly convenient it is
  • that back installed Wi-Fi in the arcade
  • on the exact day that sugar rush broke
  • oh isn't that cute twitter is being
  • presented here is a nice world full of
  • cute birds showing cat photos and not as
  • a full-on bloodbath bird bath bloodbath
  • of racism stupidity trolling stupidity
  • and race pity if Google is proudly in
  • this movie then why did they even need a
  • nose more yes we know where to go we
  • ever need a pair of goggles no seriously
  • this is the best this movie could offer
  • in this context I loved you wreck-it
  • Ralph you were the animated chosen one
  • well spider-man and his spider verse has
  • the high ground I'm trying very hard and
  • failing to figure out what all this foot
  • traffic wandering aimlessly at eBay
  • represents man just like pig and
  • elephant DNA premature celebration and
  • eBay definitely won't splice goddamn it
  • movie if you're gonna be a Chappelle
  • show skit ripoff at least show some
  • balls and throw in some pole the beaver
  • is a beautifully taxidermy beaver oh you
  • that doesn't count the tortilla chips
  • shaped like international superstar
  • Beyonce Knowles goes for 400 now I know
  • the movies trolling me since that ship
  • would have gone for way more in real
  • life not only is vanellope able to pick
  • out this one unites them in the middle
  • of all of this there just happens to be
  • someone bidding on it right now and the
  • auction is just about to run out
  • Joker's the vanellope and Ralph have no
  • idea how eBay works and they just think
  • that's saying the biggest number wins
  • not knowing its money and this auction
  • itself doesn't even put a dollar sign in
  • front of the current bit like it's
  • actively trying to prevent them from
  • figuring it out but they know about
  • money
  • tapper demanded it earlier for raus bar
  • tab and well never says the dollar
  • amount outloud he does balk at getting a
  • new one and says that's more than this
  • game makes in a year so contact clues
  • even for video game characters
  • should get them to figure this out we
  • are set to ship one sugar rush steering
  • wheel ooh a lip wax family fun land in
  • Los Alamitos California and we don't
  • need a real shipping address for that we
  • tell our nation's delivery workers to
  • just figure that out on their own I'll
  • just need a credit card number eBay
  • didn't even need the credit card before
  • they started bidding or before they gave
  • them an address to ship it probably
  • because they wanted to destroy vanellope
  • and Ralph's dreams after they thought
  • they wanted wended vanilla peas
  • glitching become tied to her anxiety I
  • thought it was supposed to be a goddamn
  • superpower not a nervous tic I got a guy
  • in Des Moines Iowa will pay 40 grand for
  • shanks car from a game called slaughter
  • race someone is actually willing to pay
  • 40 grand for a video game car it's
  • amazing family doesn't get more business
  • if there are people willing to shell out
  • the amount of money it takes to get a
  • real car did they seriously just walk
  • here and are wandering through the game
  • unattended like how long have they been
  • walking where was the entrance to the
  • game itself what are the rules of the
  • travel in this movie look there it is
  • movie I'm giving up with listing how
  • many ways your absurdly convenient after
  • the discovery of this super rare car
  • within seconds of entering this game so
  • here's ten extra sins to cover what I'm
  • sure is a mountable for the rest of the
  • runtime hey I think that might be sick
  • Ralph is dumb sure and the movies making
  • a joke here about him stating the
  • obvious but is it suggesting that he
  • just saw the big title card splash on
  • the screen like we did Chris tells me
  • there's no way that this screen wouldn't
  • get cracked after being hit with a
  • controller because of the results
  • gathered from the wallet test
  • hey shank did you ever wonder what it
  • would be like if someone actually did
  • get your car movie is making it sound
  • like the community of players of this
  • world's most popular game couldn't
  • figure out how to get shanks car sharing
  • information on what happens when you go
  • inside the warehouse no way this whole
  • thing is staged makes it look like well
  • it might be difficult it's not a
  • difficult as the movie is saying it is
  • I'm here from the Department of noise
  • right after an unsuccessful attempt to
  • steal her car shrink entertains Ralph's
  • silly ruse long enough for vanellope to
  • try to steal it I thought her title card
  • said her favorite weapon was smart I'm
  • just I'm just a cop Baberaham Lincoln
  • who was a hardcore gamer and was on the
  • verge of stealing the most coveted item
  • in the world's most popular game
  • suddenly acts ridiculously timid just
  • because Schenk got in the car and why
  • she just started over it's not like she
  • has anything to lose by standing up the
  • shank
  • bull you get the horns the round the
  • Furious vanellope has the best car in
  • the game and shank does not at this
  • point it's just about speed and not
  • technique so how the hell did she catch
  • up to her so fast in some randos Hoopoe
  • so out of the entire net no one else is
  • playing this game right now or at least
  • in this location seems like a pretty
  • popular place but it's completely
  • abandoned for the scene Jesus how much
  • lucky is this shank not only knows what
  • she needs to do to get past the fire but
  • she apparently had all her other moves
  • mapped out beyond that even though she
  • couldn't see what the situation was on
  • the other side even in video game world
  • a car going in Reverse to catch up to
  • this car going forward is a sick hit big
  • boy with a blow and go love to wait
  • what's the I guarantee you this is not
  • what you'll find if you google blow and
  • go there are much better ways to make
  • money on the internet than stealing cars
  • if this thing goes viral honestly
  • between attempting to steal shanks car
  • and trying to get videos to go viral on
  • the internet for money which one is more
  • difficult I'm gonna say getting videos
  • to go viral also they need the money in
  • like 24 hours
  • try accumulating 27001 dollars in one
  • day on YouTube through sheer advertising
  • and no extortion everybody knows the
  • video sharing site hell they've already
  • literally shown the YouTube app when
  • they first got to the Internet so why
  • the didn't they just use that for the
  • sea storage also just so I'm unclear
  • these are NPCs in a singular video game
  • that are making self aware viral videos
  • for people in the real world by using
  • web connected phones that are part of
  • that game's digital environment do I
  • have that wrong here to let you know
  • your be expires in 8 hours when they try
  • to checkout from ebay the bots said that
  • they'd hold the item for 24 hours so
  • holy
  • it took them 16 hours to meet with
  • family and do the whole slaughter race
  • caper also what's happening back at the
  • arcade if it has taken this long
  • it's definitely open so how are they
  • explaining Ralph's absence if we nickel
  • and dime it with spanley it will take 20
  • years to make enough money to buy the
  • wheel it's hilarious that family has
  • videogame quests that can net 5 or 6
  • bucks or $40,000 and nothing between
  • those values that could add up over very
  • little time you are trending and these
  • are for you heart guards it's like if
  • Disney asked me specifically what I
  • didn't want this movie to be and then
  • made that exact movie your buddy account
  • converts hearts into dollars
  • meritocracies
  • what if I made you a whole bunch of
  • videos of me doing all kinds of crazy
  • things you
  • saturate the market that could get you a
  • lot of hearts fast pretty sure this is
  • not how it works but Kari Allen movie
  • this is already exhausting I'm just copy
  • whatever is popular yes yes was
  • literally just poopoo in the derivative
  • videos that maybe was showing her this
  • movie cannot get out of its own way can
  • it let's get to work
  • I'm sorry is the algorithm for the site
  • making content for the site I know we're
  • anthropomorphizing a lot in this movie
  • but this one scrambles my brain worse
  • than that PCP I took a few hours ago I
  • just threw my wallet and my ps4
  • controller at the screen the controller
  • and the screen broke and once I paid to
  • have the knee replace my wallet followed
  • suit messy you super random video check
  • it out dude
  • like the dupe behind you can't just see
  • this for himself on your screen every
  • single asshole in this office building
  • is watching a different round video and
  • while it serves your purpose for this
  • one shot it's implausible and wrong and
  • I hate it
  • okay I'll give you five seconds to
  • explain to me what this section of the
  • movie is is it a satire about the vapid
  • and banal videos that people will
  • mindlessly consume the commentary on the
  • ultimate futility of content creativity
  • and rumination on the ubiquity of viral
  • videos in the workplace I'm sorry your
  • time is up we're gonna go with dumb
  • montage that's a dumb montage we haven't
  • been a part in like six years you know
  • except for the majority of every day
  • when they go off to play their
  • respective games I'm being overly
  • literal here of course but the movie
  • makes it out to seem like they can't
  • spend any time apart and that's
  • definitely not true this really should
  • have been titled we own all the things
  • and wanted to remind you about that the
  • movie also you got a handle to them for
  • a sticking Dumbo in their city of Disney
  • porn I'm surprised neon letters aren't
  • embossed into his trunk saying coming in
  • March this the vanellope runs into the
  • Disney Princesses part of the movie is
  • the best part unfortunately it feels
  • like it's already been done by Shrek the
  • third not better find you just done I
  • literally want a steering wheel then why
  • are you sitting around with all these
  • delightful but unnecessary character
  • considering there's got to be very
  • little time before the item is released
  • also at this point they know at least
  • generally how eBay works so why wouldn't
  • they just let the 27001 dollar bid
  • expire and then go back in and bid on it
  • again with the revenue they have from
  • Ralph's videos is it so we can have an
  • artificial deadline for this movie I
  • think it's so we can have an artificial
  • deadline for this movie Wow movie is
  • saying that the algorithm for the site
  • within the internet lost the connection
  • to the Internet in which it's
  • this happens shouldn't the world outside
  • be falling apart this terrible Ralph
  • goat video has an ungodly 130 million
  • views in seven hours
  • for reference ariana grande's thank you
  • necks got fifty five point four million
  • views in 24 hours and Ralph's gouchin
  • anagen czar barely better than that song
  • so give me a fucking break Ralph spins
  • the display with the goat video at one
  • hundred and thirty million views and
  • when we return it's sitting at three
  • hundred and two million the idea of this
  • amount of views more than doubling in
  • three seconds is slim it's the comments
  • section Ralph and none of those internet
  • avatars are here despite the comments
  • being currently added vanellope sings a
  • place called slaughter race and I rolled
  • the fuck out of my eyes when the song
  • started but it's awesome everything that
  • this movie should have been smart
  • subversive pointed relevant I'm gonna
  • finally take a sin off or something it's
  • the Sequoia Speedway how did the Nile
  • pee get to slaughter a so quickly she
  • was all the way out in Disney town just
  • a few minutes ago right and isn't she's
  • supposed to be in yes his personal
  • browsing history I'm sick of trying to
  • figure out the rules in this movie
  • especially considering it's almost 75%
  • through can I tell you something that I
  • don't think I could ever tell Ralph he's
  • behind me isn't he I wanted to wait
  • until this very moment to say this how
  • dangerous is it really alone if you get
  • in a wreck do you feel pain and if you
  • do for how long can you even die so fair
  • way to do something like that's a
  • slaughter race he's talking about a
  • virus but let's review this sharing a
  • video game character from a 1980s arcade
  • hit somehow transported himself via
  • electrical cables into a router which
  • sent him to the Internet where he met
  • this pop-up add names family together
  • without any human interference
  • whatsoever they'll create a virus and
  • somehow mess up slaughter race that
  • innocent I don't know what is this dude
  • is a virus making machine Wow low pump
  • lives down here
  • thank you your system I mean oh sure all
  • the villains give away their super
  • dangerous and valuable malware
  • completely free especially in the dark
  • with hang on vanellope just straight
  • abandoned ralph with no explanation she
  • seriously doesn't think he'll notice
  • she's gone especially since she agreed
  • to meet him at ebay like two hours ago
  • I don't care she's stalling because he's
  • gonna be upset that's completely out of
  • character deliver the car to purge chop
  • shop but watch out for shank and her
  • crew considering the shank is generally
  • considered unbeatable because this movie
  • has told us she is does that mean no
  • one's gotten past this part of the game
  • either
  • I mean stealing her car is one thing but
  • getting through a normal everyday level
  • let's not forget this is a massively
  • popular game and that people would be
  • wondering how the hell the obscure
  • character from sugar rush got here
  • without the programmers doing anything
  • in security distributing insecurity the
  • most harmful aspect of this virus is its
  • need to vocalize everything it does will
  • be fine but your code isn't part of this
  • game we got to get you out of here now
  • this would be a hazard even if there
  • wasn't a virus attacking insecurities in
  • the game a server reboot often does that
  • happen during an online games life like
  • a lot right luckily for vanilla Peas
  • chances of survival the virus progresses
  • through the game right behind her kind
  • of like the Deep Freeze in The Day After
  • Tomorrow when you can predict that a
  • protagonist fight before the climax of
  • the movie cliches gonna happen before
  • you even watch the movie you shouldn't
  • have that cliche in your movie the virus
  • was still in the game when slaughter
  • race rebooted right so why is it allowed
  • to continue virus along after the fact
  • raus heavy hands uncover heavy-handed
  • symbolism breaking news the internet is
  • under assault how did that giant TV with
  • full volume come from certainly hasn't
  • been on during this whole movie 28,000
  • Ralphs later world war are followed them
  • you mean you weren't in the lead because
  • how the fuck did you get past a million
  • Ralph's to get inside here sort of a
  • codependent Pied Piper situation we know
  • a Pied Piper yeah the Ralph's are drawn
  • to vanellope so why did they need yes to
  • be the Pied Piper can't they get into
  • any vehicle and as long as the vanellope
  • is in it they can lead the rouse to the
  • antivirus chamber yes I forgot to tell
  • Ralph at when you break the internet you
  • don't literally have to break the
  • internet role Ralphie's I mean dude
  • obviously made some real questionable
  • choices here but he also made a beep pun
  • to save his best friend's game so what
  • can I say a kid life's complicated this
  • is the worst part of this movie by far
  • because the story means to balance
  • Ralph's catastrophic actions
  • yes brings up the fact that he did
  • something really embarrassing and stupid
  • to save vanellope 'he's game but he
  • doesn't get to about the game all he
  • cares about is vanellope being around
  • possessing her so to speak it's what all
  • his dialogue and actions have revealed
  • about his character I never said I
  • didn't want to be your
  • they said you were acting like a bad
  • friend oh really then what was this
  • scene then you threw the heart necklace
  • away you told him you were going in
  • wherever he wasn't told him not to
  • follow you and told him to leave you
  • alone I admit there wasn't a I don't
  • want to be your friend in there but it's
  • a far cry from what you're saying it was
  • and you were right to feel that way Oh
  • premature celebration aside how the do a
  • bunch of giant Ralph's catch up to this
  • speeding vehicle all the individual
  • Ralph's combined to form one giant
  • insecure Ralph because that makes total
  • sense that means beyond their
  • destructive feelings for vanellope they
  • also have creepy vault Roenick desires
  • King Ralph is distracted by real Ralph
  • despite its singular vanellope focus
  • what the stakes here is the internet
  • really in danger especially since the
  • wrath of Ralph's is solely focused on
  • pursuing vanellope can ralph really be
  • killed by King Ralph well any of this
  • matter by the time the inevitable third
  • entry titled wreck-it is introduced so
  • was the rest of the Internet cool it was
  • previously overrun with all the routes
  • but now that they've coalesced into one
  • giant figure I guess all the shit's back
  • online and the virus that's loose in the
  • entire Internet didn't find any other
  • insecurities to duplicate in the entire
  • Internet oh I just realized something
  • these Ralph's are essentially one
  • gigantic human centipede just gotta
  • trust her cuz that's what best friends
  • do I'd like everyone to remember that
  • this is a 100% insecure embodiment of
  • Ralph's codependency and somehow it was
  • able to be reasoned with okay it's a big
  • strong man in need of rescuing princess
  • machina
  • yeah okay this Disney Princesses rescued
  • the day montage she's pretty funny and
  • sometimes clever but movie has spent any
  • goodwill it had left on that giant
  • roffels also this is an absurdly
  • complicated plan to save one falling
  • dude like just send the carpet to catch
  • him or have the ice slide reach all the
  • way to the ground
  • or million other things that would work
  • more easily you know she ain't a did
  • they call it an if he thinks the
  • programmers of slaughter race must be
  • damn proud of themselves to create a
  • goddamn sentient video game character
  • that can change programming code if
  • anyone investigates this they found news
  • equaling the discovery of alien life
  • this wave seen last 25 seconds but I
  • assure you and outlast the ending of The
  • Return of the King even though we got
  • that steering wheel and save sugar rush
  • that's never really gonna be the same um
  • yeah the most popular character in the
  • game has mysteriously left it and nobody
  • noticed this how on earth did you tame
  • those things clearly it's granny law
  • Jesus does Jane Lynch have to do this in
  • every movie the bunny gets cake no line
  • this is terrifying this is supposed to
  • be an amusing credit scene and the bunny
  • goddamn pops the worst Marvel ever did
  • was made people aware schwarmann exists
  • you want me to give you the number of a
  • different cable company that can all
  • wait we're it aren't we like doesn't the
  • very nature of our existence make you
  • wonder if there's more to life than this
  • you've gotta keep living man Li VI in
  • that kid
  • sweet I will take a break and she'll
  • quit the drugs yeah do it oh I've been
  • praying about this day for so long what
  • did you just put in your mouth
  • [Music]
  • let me just say that if God was a city
  • planner he would not put a playground
  • next to a sewage system
  • well you meet you nice to meet you mo
  • don't say mo the Internet can also be a
  • place where you find a steering wheel at
  • one website or play Mortal Kombat with
  • your friends get dumb
  • [Applause]

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Description

The first Wreck It Ralph was a fun surprise full of humor and heart. Ralph Breaks the Internet is... not that. It's a lot more like The Emoji movie. And full of sins.

Next week: Sins of two movies that have one word titles starting with D.

Remember, no movie is without sin! Which movie's sins should we expose next?!

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