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Video Trump Wants The U.S. To 'Be Cool' About China

TheTV.info
09:05   |   2M+ views   |   today at 12:01

Transcription

  • WELCOME, WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW," EVERYBODY.
  • I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
  • DID EVERYONE HAVE A GOOD MOTHER'S DAY?
  • ( CHEERING ) HOPE ALL YOU MOMS OUT THERE
  • ENJOYED BREAKFAST IN BED BECAUSE, TODAY, IT'S BACK TO A
  • GRANOLA BAR IN THE CAR.
  • THE PRESIDENT CELEBRATED MOTHER'S DAY BY DELIVERING THIS
  • VIDEO MESSAGE: >> MY FELLOW AMERICANS, THIS
  • SUNDAY IS ONE OF THE MOST IMPORTANT DAYS OF THE YEAR,
  • MOTHER'S DAY.
  • IT'S A SPECIAL OPPORTUNITY TO THANK ALL OF THE MOTHERS AND
  • GRANDMOTHERS IN OUR LIVES.
  • >> STEPHEN: "ESPECIALLY THE ONES MICHAEL COHEN PAID TO SHUT UP."
  • ( LAUGHTER ) THANKS, MOM!
  • THANKS, GRANDMA.
  • THANK YOU.
  • JUST -- OKAY.
  • ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
  • TRUMP SEEMS TO HAVE A PECULIAR UNDERSTANDING OF WHAT EXACTLY
  • MOTHERS DO: >> SINCE THE EARLIEST DAYS OF
  • OUR REPUBLIC AMERICA'S STRENGTH HAS COME FROM THE LOVE AND
  • COURAGE AND DEVOTION OF OUR MOTHERS.
  • THROUGH THEIR GRIT DETERMINATION AND INCREDIBLE SPIRIT, THEY
  • PIONEERED THE WEST AND SETTLED THE FRONTIER.
  • ( LAUGHTER ) >> STEPHEN: "THEIR HOUSES WERE
  • LITTLE, AND ON THE PRAIRIE.
  • ( LAUGHTER ) WHEN THEY GOT SICK, THEY CALLED
  • DR. QUINN MEDICINE WOMAN.
  • ( LAUGHTER ) THEN THEIR OXEN DROWNED WHILE
  • FORGING THE RIVER, AND THEY HAD TO REBOOT THE GAME."
  • ( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
  • OREGON TRAIL?
  • GOOD.
  • OREGON TRAIL.
  • THE PRESIDENT WENT ON TO TALK ABOUT HIS OWN MOTHER.
  • >> MY MOTHER WAS A GREAT PERSON.
  • I LEARNED SO MUCH FROM MY MOTHER.
  • SHE WAS JUST INCREDIBLE -- WARM, LOVING, REALLY SMART, COULD BE
  • TOUGH IF SHE HAD TO BE, BUT BASICALLY SHE WAS A REALLY NICE
  • PERSON.
  • >> STEPHEN: "IN CONCLUSION, MOTHERS: THEY'RE LIKE DADS WHO
  • LOVE YOU."
  • ( LAUGHTER ) SO I HEAR.
  • ( PIANO RIFF ) HERE'S THE THING: IN THIS WHOLE
  • VIDEO, TRUMP DOESN'T ONCE MENTION ANY OF THE MOTHERS OF
  • HIS OWN CHILDREN.
  • AND THERE ARE A LOT TO CHOOSE FROM-- MELANIA, MARLA, IVANA!
  • THAT ONE HOUSEKEEPER-- ALLEGEDLY.
  • ( AUDIENCE REACTS ) ALLEGEDLY!
  • AND TRUMP CONTINUED TO CELEBRATE MOTHER'S DAY IN THE TRADITIONAL
  • WAY: A TRADE WAR WITH CHINA.
  • OFFICIALS FROM THE TWO COUNTRIES HAVE BEEN NEGOTIATING FURIOUSLY
  • TO AVOID THE WORST CASE SCENARIO, AND YESTERDAY, TRUMP
  • TWEETED OUT THIS UPDATE: "CHINA AND THE UNITED STATES ARE
  • WORKING WELL TOGETHER ON TRADE, BUT PAST NEGOTIATIONS HAVE BEEN
  • SO ONE-SIDED IN FAVOR OF CHINA, FOR SO MANY YEARS, THAT IT IS
  • HARD FOR THEM TO MAKE A DEAL THAT BENEFITS BOTH COUNTRIES.
  • BUT BE COOL, IT WILL ALL WORK OUT!"
  • ( LAUGHTER ) BE COOL?
  • SINCE WHEN DOES TRUMP TALK LIKE A JET FROM WEST SIDE STORY?
  • "BOY, BOY, CRAZY BOY.
  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
  • BE COOL, BOY."
  • >> EASY, ACTION.
  • ( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: BUILDING UP TO
  • THAT CLIP.
  • ( LAUGHTER ) BUT IT MAKES SENSE.
  • TRUMP'S AFRAID OF SHARKS.
  • AND LATINOS.
  • ( LAUGHTER ) ( PIANO RIFF )
  • TRUMP PROBABLY HAD TO TELL HIS BROS TO CHILLAX BECAUSE OF THIS
  • TWEET HE'D SENT EARLIER: "PRESIDENT XI OF CHINA, AND I,
  • ARE WORKING TOGETHER TO GIVE MASSIVE CHINESE PHONE COMPANY,
  • Z.T.E., A WAY TO GET BACK INTO BUSINESS, FAST.
  • TOO MANY JOBS IN CHINA LOST.
  • COMMERCE DEPARTMENT HAS BEEN INSTRUCTED TO GET IT DONE!"
  • WHAT?
  • WHO THE HOW?
  • ( LAUGHTER ) DURING THE CAMPAIGN TRUMP
  • WOULDN'T SHUT UP ABOUT HOW AMERICA'S JOBS WERE BEING STOLEN
  • BY "CHY-NA."
  • REMEMBER THIS?
  • >> CHINA HAS TAKEN MILLIONS OF JOBS.
  • THOUSANDS OF FACTORIES.
  • WHAT THEY'VE DONE TO US, IT'S ACTUALLY, I'VE THOUGHT ABOUT IT,
  • IT'S THE GREATEST THEFT IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD.
  • WE'RE LIVING THROUGH THE GREATEST JOB THEFT IN THE
  • HISTORY OF THE WORLD.
  • THEY'VE TAKEN OUR JOBS.
  • THEY'RE TAKEN OUR BASE.
  • THEY'VE TAKEN OUR MANUFACTURING ALL OVER THE PLACE.
  • CHINA IS EATING OUR LUNCH.
  • THEY ARE ABSOLUTELY KILLING US.
  • >> Stephen: THE POINT IS THIS IS DIRECTLY
  • OPPOSED TO EVERYTHING HE'S SAID.
  • I CAN'T WAIT FOR HIS NEXT TWEET: "HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT ALL THE
  • PROBLEMS IN MEXICO?
  • WE'VE GOT TO LET THOSE GOOD PEOPLE INTO OUR COUNTRY.
  • BUILD THE RAMP!" AND, MAKE NO MISTAKE, Z.T.E. IS
  • NO FRIEND OF THE U.S.
  • IN FACT, THE F.B.I., C.I.A., AND N.S.A. HAVE PUBLICLY ACCUSED THE
  • COMPANY OF ALLOWING ITS DEVICES TO BE USED BY THE CHINESE
  • GOVERNMENT TO SPY ON AMERICANS.
  • AND AS AN AMERICAN, I DO NOT WANT SOME CHINESE COMPANY SPYING
  • ON ME.
  • I WANT FACEBOOK DOING IT.
  • ( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
  • THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE, Facebook!
  • GEORGE WASHINGTON -- PLUS, Z.T.E. IS ONLY IN
  • FINANCIAL TROUBLE BECAUSE THEY ADMITTED TO MAKING ILLEGAL
  • SHIPMENTS TO IRAN AND NORTH KOREA.
  • SO THE TRUMP ADMINISTRATION BANNED AMERICAN COMPANIES FROM
  • SELLING IT COMPONENTS.
  • YOU CAN'T JUST REVERSE YOUR OWN PENALTY.
  • "SIR, I PULLED YOU OVER BECAUSE YOU WERE DRIVING 90 IN A SCHOOL
  • ZONE.
  • BUT YOU SEEM UPSET, SO WANT TO DRIVE MY CAR?
  • IT'S GOT LIGHTS."
  • ( LAUGHTER ) TRUMP'S ALSO FUTZING WITH THE
  • MIDDLE EAST.
  • BECAUSE TODAY THE UNITED STATES OFFICIALLY BROKE WITH TRADITION
  • AND OPENED AN EMBASSY IN JERUSALEM.
  • NOW HE'S JUST GOT TO DESTABILIZE ANTARCTICA, AND HE'LL HAVE
  • GLOBAL CRISIS BINGO.
  • ( LAUGHTER ) IN RESPONSE TO MOVING THE
  • EMBASSY, DEADLY VIOLENCE HAS BROKEN OUT.
  • BUT ACCORDING TO THE U.S.
  • AMBASSADOR TO ISRAEL, THE ACT OF MOVING THE EMBASSY SENDS THE
  • MESSAGE TO ISRAEL THAT, "YOU ARE NOT ALONE."
  • IT'S TRUE, ISRAEL ISN'T ALONE.
  • THERE'S A BUNCH OF OTHER PEOPLE WHO LIVE THERE, TOO.
  • THEY'RE THE ANGRY ONES.
  • ( LAUGHTER ) NOW, THE PRESIDENT COULDN'T BE
  • THERE HIMSELF, BECAUSE... YOU KNOW, THE ANGRY PEOPLE.
  • SO, INSTEAD, HE SENT PEACE TREATY BARBIE AND COLLUSION KEN.
  • ( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
  • ( PIANO RIFF ) THANK YOU.
  • THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
  • THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
  • JARED EXPLAINED THAT THE EMBASSY WAS GOOD FOR PEACE.
  • >> WHEN THERE IS PEACE IN THIS REGION, WE WILL LOOK BACK UPON
  • THIS DAY AND REMEMBER THAT THE JOURNEY TO PEACE STARTED WITH A
  • STRONG AMERICA, RECOGNIZING THE TRUTH.
  • >> STEPHEN: SOUNDS STRONG.
  • ( LAUGHTER ) HE'S GOT A LITTLE COLD.
  • HE'S GOT A LITTLE COLD.
  • ( APPLAUSE ) YEAH.
  • YOU KNOW, WE'LL SEE IF THERE'S PEACE, BUT WE'LL DEFINITELY
  • REMEMBER.
  • IT'S LIKE SAYING, "WHEN THE HOUSE IS FINALLY BURNED DOWN, WE
  • WILL LOOK BACK, AND REMEMBER THAT THIS JOURNEY STARTED WHEN
  • WE DECIDED TO INSTALL A DEEP FAT FRYER IN THE LIVING ROOM."
  • ( LAUGHTER ) AND IVANKA WELCOMED THE CROWD ON
  • BEHALF OF HER FATHER THIS BY SAYING THIS:
  • >> ON BEHALF OF THE 45TH PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES
  • ON AMERICA.
  • >> STEPHEN: YES, THE 45TH PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES
  • "ON" AMERICA.
  • ( LAUGHTER ) CERTAINLY FEELS LIKE HE'S
  • ON US.
  • I THINK WE ALL GET $130,000 NOW.
  • ( PIANO RIFF ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
  • THAT'S THE PRICE, RIGHT?
  • I WON'T SAY ANYTHING.
  • I WON'T.
  • ( APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
  • SO, THE WORLD'S ON FIRE, BUT AT LEAST WE KNOW DONALD TRUMP IS
  • GETTING ADVICE FROM THE BEST PEOPLE.
  • FOR EXAMPLE, FOX NEWS HOST AND HURTFUL IRISH STEREOTYPE, SEAN
  • HANNITY.
  • AND WHEN WE COME BACK, I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT THEIR LATE NIGHT
  • LOVE FEST.

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Description

The President channeled 'West Side Story' while defending his hypocritical directive to help China's phone giant, ZTE, to 'get back in business.'

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