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Video Brewstew - Being Broke

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Jan 16, 2018

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Brewstew - Being Broke
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  • Alright, being poor sucks!
  • I wouldn't recommend being poor, I've been poor for most of my life
  • I've been living on my own since I was 17-years-old
  • And when I was 17, I lived with roommate Brewer in a duplex
  • Now that right there should give you an idea of how much money we had
  • We couldn't even rent a whole house
  • We rented half of a house!
  • Our landlord's like: "You guys get the top part"
  • "This random stranger gets the bottom part"
  • "You guys share a basement and make awkward conversations from time to time"
  • "You got it? Alright, cool!"
  • And let me say, our asses were broke, living in that duplex!
  • I was so broke, if I found a nickel on the ground, I wouldn't just put it in my pocket
  • I'd bust out my wallet
  • And put that baby in there nice and secure
  • "You're not going anywhere, I could buy a half of a Tootsie Roll with you"
  • And there's nothing quite like being hungry and having no money
  • We'd just be sitting there sometimes
  • "Well, we have no money until we get paid on Friday"
  • "What day is it?"
  • "Uh, it's Tuesday"
  • "Oh, well, looks like we're fucked!"
  • "Well, we had a good run, I guess it's time to kill ourselves"
  • "Yeah, I was thinking the same thing"
  • What's the cheapest way to not feel hungry, when you have no money?
  • Well, I'll tell you what it is
  • It's going to sleep!
  • Just take your ass to the bed!
  • You can't feel hungry when you're asleep, now can ya?
  • It's like using a cheat-code!
  • "Alright, I'm gonna sleep for the next three days until we get paid again"
  • "Wake me up when we can eat"
  • There was one time we scavenged the whole house
  • Checking underneath all the furniture for any loose change
  • And somehow we managed to scrape together a decent amount of money
  • And we were able to buy a whole box of Hamburger Helper
  • "Oh yeah, we're gonna eat good tonight!"
  • We're at the grocery store, frolicking down the isle
  • We're dumping all our change on the counter
  • Like the cashier just hit a jackpot on a slot machine
  • We get home, and Brewer decides to cook this Hamburger Helper
  • In what looks like the oldest, most decrepit pan I've ever seen in my life
  • It's got rust marks on it, all crusty and shit
  • The damn thing looked like he salvaged it from the Titanic
  • He serves it up, and there's like these black speckles mixed in the food
  • And I'm like, "What is this? Pepper? Did you put pepper in this thing?"
  • No, it wasn't pepper
  • *Spoiler Alert*
  • It was that metal coating on the pan, that scraped off and mixed in with the food
  • "Awww, that's gross. What are we supposed to do now?"
  • And I'll tell you, what we did. We ate it anyways!
  • Not much of a choice there now, was it?
  • "This tastes like soot and metal"
  • "Yeah, it sure does"
  • There'd be people on Fear Factor, that wouldn't even eat that shit!
  • And we're over here, getting seconds!
  • "It's probably not that bad, if you close your eyes and try to think of something else"
  • And if we weren't worried about food being on the table
  • We definitely were worried about getting utilities shut off every month
  • You'd get a disconnection notice in the mail
  • For the gas, for the electric, for goddamn utilities you didn't even know existed!
  • You'd get a knock on the door
  • "Yo, hi, oxygen company! We're here to shut your shit off!"
  • "Oxygen company? What the hell?"
  • "Bring in the vacuum!"
  • [Vacuum machine buzzing]
  • We got our gas shut off for a whole summer one time
  • No more warm showers, no more dryer
  • That gas oven in your kitchen? Well, that just turned into extra counter space, that's what that is!
  • We're not paying the gas bill, what are you, crazy?
  • Most people like having a functioning oven in their kitchen, you know
  • Some people even see it as a necessity
  • But us? No, we didn't need that gas oven!
  • We just got an electric toaster oven and put it right on top of our old oven!
  • There we go, problem solved! Now we can make our Tostino's pizzas again
  • We had our water shut off for a week one time
  • Guess what? Now you got no working toilet!
  • Where are you supposed to shit now, smarty pants?
  • If you have ever had a joy of having your water shut off
  • Then you know that you have one remaining flush in that tank of your toilet
  • You better make it count!
  • So let's do some quick poop math:
  • You can probably take, like, four shits in that thing
  • And maybe like, I don't know, twenty pisses?
  • Before the thing starts breaking the crest of the rim
  • So everybody in the house rushes to go to the bathroom
  • Like it's the last helicopter out of Vietnam
  • "Everybody get in here! We're making the most out of this last flush!"
  • Now you can still use your toilet, if you dump some water bottles in the tank
  • Manufacturing your own flush there
  • One time I didn't have any water bottles
  • But I did have an old two-liter of flat Mountain Dew, sitting there in the kitchen
  • And I got to thinking: "That will work, right? Why wouldn't it?"
  • So there I am, dumping Mountain Dew into a toilet tank, so I poop in it
  • It was probably at this moment of my life, when I was like:
  • "Man, I should really get my life sorted out!"
  • "This is not how I pictured my life to be!"
  • And while we're on this subject of pooping when you're poor
  • What are you supposed to wipe with, when you got 3 nickels in your wallet?
  • Because toilet paper, sure as shit, is a luxury at that point in your life
  • I've wiped my ass with so many different substances
  • From not having proper toilet paper, I got to write a book on it!
  • [How to poop when you're poor]
  • What to wipe with..
  • What to wipe with.. What to flush with...
  • I'm talking McDonalds napkins
  • Coffee filters
  • You start looking at how fluffy the cat is, thinking:
  • "Hey, you know what, it's a possibility, if worse comes to worse"
  • The cat's hiding under the couch and shit, it knows that something's up
  • "You're not wiping with me, buddy, no siree!"
  • But having the water or the gas shut off that wasn't that big of a deal to us
  • We can deal with that, we'll make do!
  • But where I draw the line is the internet
  • We tried to pay that bills as best as we could, but no matter how hard we tried
  • We still got our internet shut off probably about fifteen times
  • You'd be sitting there one day, trying to log into your MySpace
  • And you get one of these bad boys pop up on your browser
  • Oh, God damn it! We don't have any internet!
  • What is this, Pakistan? How am I supposed to switch around my MySpace top8?
  • I still have time in there, for Chist's sake! Everybody's gonna think I'm some kind of loser!
  • I will gladly shit in some Mountain Dew
  • But I will be damned if don't have any internet!
  • https://brewstew.com
  • Special thanks to: [These wonderful people] & All the other patrons! https://patreon.com/brewstew
  • https://teespring.com/stores/brewstew https://facebook.com/brewstewcom
  • https://twitter.com/brewstewfilms

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Description

Who needs all those utilities anyway?

Sorry the audio sounds crappy.

Merch Store:
https://teespring.com/stores/brewstew

Special Thanks to the people that support me on Patreon!
https://www.patreon.com/brewstew

Brewstew.com

Music:
Hidden Agenda Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com)
Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0
http://creativecommons.org/licenses/b...

Sound Effects:
http://www.freesfx.co.uk/

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