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Video Trump: It's My Right 'To Do National Emergency'

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  • WELCOME TO THE LATE SHOW, I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
  • WE ARE ON, WHAT DAY, WHAT DAY IS THIS?
  • WHAT DAY IS THE SHUTDOWN IS IT?
  • 19?
  • IT'S 19-- DAY 19 OF THE GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN WHICH MEANS
  • IT IS NOW OFFICIALLY LASTED LONGER THAN MY NEW YEAR'S
  • RESOLUTION.
  • I GOT WINDED AND GAVE UP HALFWAY THROUGH THE PLANET FITNESS
  • APPLICATION.
  • LAST NIGHT DONALD TRUMP JUMPED THE BORDER OF AMERICA'S PRIME
  • TIME LINE-UP TO MAKE HIS DEMANDS.
  • >> AND I WILL SAY HE SEEMED LESS THAN SPIRITED THAN USUAL.
  • >> MY FELLOW AMERICANS, TONIGHT I AM SPEAKING TO YOU BECAUSE
  • THERE IS A GROWING HUMANITARIAN AND SECURITY CRISIS AT OUR
  • SOUTHERN BORDER.
  • (LAUGHTER).
  • >> Stephen: SORRY, THE NATIONAL CRISIS PUT ME TO SLEEP,
  • I DON'T-- WHY WAS HE SO CALM IF THERE IS A CRISIS.
  • JIM, CAN WE ZOOM IN ON HIM.
  • YEAH, TRANQ DART RIGHT IN THE NECK.
  • (LAUGHTER) AFTER DISCUSSING VARIOUS BORDER
  • SECURITY ISSUES TRUMP FINALLY LANDED ON THE REASON HE SHUT
  • DOWN THE GOVERNMENT IN THE FIRST PLACE, THE WALL, WHICH IT TURNS
  • OUT WASN'T REALLY EVEN HIS IDEA.
  • >> FINALLY, AS PART OF AN OVERALL APPROACH TO BORDER
  • SECURITY LAW ENFORCEMENT PROFESSIONALSALS HAVE REQUESTED
  • BILLION DOLLARS FOR A PHYSICAL BARRIER.
  • >> OH LAW ENFORCEMENT REQUESTED IT, OH, A WALL?
  • I NEVER REALLY THOUGHT ABOUT THE THING I HAVE BEEN CHANTING FOR
  • THREE YEARS.
  • AM I PRONOUNCING THAT CORRECTLY WAAALL?
  • HE WASN'T DONE SAYING HIS IDEAS WEREN'T HIS IDEAS.
  • >> AT THE REQUEST OF DEMOCRATS IT WILL BE A STEEL BARRIER
  • RATHER THAN A CONCRETE WALL.
  • >> Stephen: MR. PRESIDENT, STEEL SLATS ARE NOT THE METAL
  • BARS WE WANT YOU BEHIND.
  • (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) IS THERE A STORM COMING?
  • TRUMP HAS GOT A LOT OF HEAT BECAUSE HE SAID MEXICO WHAT PAY
  • FOR THE WALL AND, BUT LAST NIGHT HE FOUND ANOTHER WAY TO PAY FOR
  • IT.
  • >> THE BORDER WALL WOULD VERY QUICKLY PAY FOR ITSELF.
  • THE COST OF THE ILLEGAL DRUGS EXCEEDS $500 BILLION A YEAR.
  • VASTLY MORE THAN THE $5.7 BILLION MORE THAN WE HAVE
  • REQUESTED FROM CONGRESS.
  • >> Stephen: I'M PRETTY SURE HE JUST SUKED SELLING DRUGS TO PAY
  • FOR THE WALL.
  • SO LAW ENFORCEMENT, KEEP AN EYE OUT FOR THIS GUY.
  • (LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE).
  • >> Jon: GIVE ME THE LOOP.
  • >> Stephen: I AM THE ONE WHO KNOCKS, UNLESS I'M BACKSTAGE AT
  • THE MISS UNIVERSAL PAJ ENT, THEN I JUST WALK IN UNEXPECTEDLY.
  • BUT-- HE DID THAT.
  • BUT THEN, THEN HE SNUCK THIS IN.
  • >> THE WALL WILL ALSO BE PAID FOR INDIRECTLY BY THE GREAT NEW
  • TRADE DEAL WE HAVE MADE WITH MEXICO.
  • >> Stephen: OH YEAH, TRADITIONALLY TRADE DEALS PAY
  • FOR OUR INFRASTRUCTURE.
  • NIXON OPENED UP THE TRADE WITH CHINA AND IN RETURN MAO ZEDONG
  • FIXED A POTHOLE.
  • SO IN THE END TRUMP BIG NETWORK-INTUPTING OVAL OFFICE
  • LIARSIDE CHAT WAS HIS OLD IMMIGRATION TALKING POINTS WITH
  • NOTHING NEW.
  • SPEAKING OF NOTHING NEW, THE DEMOCRATIC RESPONSE.
  • FOLLOWING THIS HISTORIC MID TERMS DEMOCRATS SENT OUT SOME
  • EXCITING, FRESH YOUNG FACES, CONGRESSIONAL DEMOCRATIC LEADERS
  • AND DIRECT TO DVDADDAMS FAMILY CHUCK SCHUMER AND NANCY PELOSI,
  • AFTER TRUMP'S LOWER ENERGY PERFORMANCE, THIS WAS THEIR
  • CHANCE TO FIRE UP THE OPPOSITION, SO JUICE IT!
  • >> GOOD EVENING.
  • I APPRECIATE THE OPPORTUNITY TO SPEAK DIRECTLY TO THE AMERICAN
  • PEOPLE TONIGHT.
  • >> Stephen: LOOKS LIKE AMERICA IS ABOUT TO GET THE SEX TALK.
  • WE GET T WE'RE 143 WE HAVE-- THEY HAD TWO STRONG
  • MESSAGES, OKAY.
  • THEY'RE NOT PAYING FOR THE WALL, ALSO WE'RE NOT PAYING FOR MORE
  • THAN ONE PODIUM.
  • SO THE NIGHT WAS A UNIVERSALLAL SNOOZE FEST BUT PRESIDENT
  • TRUMP'S ADDRESS DID GET REEF REVIEWS FROM-- RAVE REVAWS FROM
  • ONE GROUP, HIS HANLTD HANDLERS, APPARENTLY IN THE WHITE HOUSE
  • THEY WERE THRILLED THAT HE WAS CALM AND CONTROLLED IN THE
  • DELIVERY WITHOUT ANY PROMPTER STUMBLES.
  • ALL IT TAKES TO BE PRESIDENTIAL IS ACCURATELY READ A PROMPTER?
  • BIG DEAL.
  • DO I THAT FIVE NORTS A WOOK.
  • WHY AREN'T I PREGADENT.
  • ONE POSSIBLE, ONE POSSIBLE REASON TREMP SEEMED LIKE HE
  • DIDN'T WANT TO BE THERE IS BECAUSE HE DIDN'T WANT TO BE
  • THERE.
  • REPORTS SAY HE WAS NOT INCLINED TO GIVE THE SPEECH, WAS TACKED
  • INTO IT BY ADVISORS SAYING IT'S NOT GOING TO CHANGE A DAMN THING
  • BUT I'M STILL DOING IT.
  • WHICH WOULD ALSO BE A VERY HONEST PITCH FOR THE WALL.
  • BUT IF TRURP, IF TRUMP-- YEAH, YEAH, SURE.
  • BUT IF TRUMP SEEMED A LITTLE TOO ON SCRIPT LAST NIGHT, DON'T YOU
  • WORRY BECAUSE TODAY HE UNLEASHED THE FULL DIRECTOR'S CUT AT AN
  • IMPROMPTU YELL AT THE PRESS EVENT.
  • AND HE MADE IT CLEAR HOW HE FELT ABOUT THIS GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN.
  • >> THIS IS NOT A FIGHT I WANTED.
  • I DIDN'T WANT THIS FIGHT.
  • >> Stephen: YOU DIDN'T WANT THIS?
  • WHO IS THIS GUY?
  • >> I AM PROUD TO SHUT DOWN THE GOVERNMENT FOR BORDER SECURITY.
  • >> I WILL BE THE ONE TO SHUT IT DOWN.
  • I'M NOT GOING TO BLAME YOU FOR IT.
  • I WILL TAKE THE MANTEL.
  • I WILL BE THE ONE TO SHUT IT DOWN.
  • >> Stephen: MR. PRESIDENT, THAT GUY IS MAKING YOU LOOK
  • TERRIBLE.
  • I DOP KNOW WHO SHALL-- YOU GOT TO GET HIM OUT OF THE WHITE
  • HOUSE RIGHT AWAY.
  • TRUMP CONTINUED TO ARGUE HIS PRO-WALL STANCE.
  • >> THEY SAY IT IS A MEDIEVAL SOLUTION, A WALL, IT'S TRUE T IS
  • MEDIEVAL BECAUSE IT WORKED THEN AND IT WORKS EVEN BETTER NOW.
  • >> Stephen: YOU REALLY CANNOT GO WRONG WITH MEDIEVAL
  • TECHNOLOGY.
  • >> THE WALLS ARE MADE OF STEEL SLATS WHICH TOP ALCHEMISTS HAVE
  • ASSURED ME REQUEST CAN BE TURNED THAT PURE GOLD, PAYS FOR ITSELF.
  • NOW IF YOU WILL EXCUSE ME, I HAVE A LEECHES APPOINTMENT.
  • AND EVEN THOUGH THE PRESIDENT DIDN'T DECLARE A NATIONAL
  • EMERGENCY LAST NIGHT, HE IS KEEPING IT ON THE TABLE.
  • >> I HAVE THE ABSOLUTE RIGHT TO DO NATIONAL EMERGENCY IF I WANT.
  • >> Stephen: NOT ONLY CAN I DO NATIONAL EMERGENCY, MANY SAY I
  • AM NATIONAL EMERGENCY.
  • (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) AND HE GAVE A NEW REASON WHY
  • AMERICA NEEDS THE WALL, BECAUSE IMMIGRANTS HAVE DEADLY
  • SUPERCARS.
  • >> THE FACT IS THAT WE DON'T HAVE BARRIERS, WALLS, CALL THEM
  • WHAT YOU WANT, BUT WE DON'T HAVE VERY STRONG BARRIERS WHERE
  • PEOPLE CANNOT, ANY LONGER, DRIVE RIGHT ACROSS IT.
  • UNBELIEVABLE VEHICLES, THEY MAKE A LOT OF MONEY.
  • THEY HAVE THE BEST VEHICLES YOU CAN BUY.
  • THEY HAVE STRONGER, BIGGER AND FASTER VEHICLES THAN OUR POLICE
  • HAVE AND THAT ICE HAS AND THAN BORDER PATROLS HAVE.
  • >> Stephen: I'M TELLING YOU THESE IMMIGRANTS HAVE
  • UNBELIEVABLE VEHICLES.
  • SOME OF THESE CARS ARE SO BIG, SO LONG, THEY HAVE WINGS ON THE
  • SIDE AND THEY CARRY HUNDREDS OF PEOPLE AND THEY GIVE OUT LITTLE
  • BAGS OF HONEY ROASTED PEANUTS AND FREE COKE.
  • FLY RIGHT HOAFER.
  • BUT STILL, TRUMP MADE IT CLEAR THAT HE IS OPEN TO SUGGESTIONS
  • FROM ANYONE WITHIN EARSHOT.
  • >> SO WHY NOT SIGN THE OTHER BILLS, SOME OF THESE WORKERS CAN
  • GET PAID.
  • >> YOU THINK I SHOULD DO THAT.
  • >> DO YOU THINK I SHOULD DO THAT.
  • >> IT'S NOT FOR ME TO SAY.
  • >> I WATCH YOUR ONE-SIDED REPORTED, DO YOU THINK I SHOULD
  • DO THAT SERIOUSLY, JOHN, DO I THINK I SHOULD JUST SIGN.
  • >> DOT ARGUE.
  • >> TELL ME, TELL ME.
  • >> NOTHING TO DO WITH BORDER SECURITY.
  • >> DO YOU THINK I SHOULD SIGN.
  • >> I'M SAYING IF YOU SIGN THAT THE WORKERS CAN START GETTING
  • PAID.
  • >> SO YOU WOULD DO THAT IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION.
  • >> I'M IN THE WHY YOUR POSITION, I'M ASKING YOU.
  • >> I'M ASKING YOU, WOULD YOU DO THAT IF WERE YOU IN MY POSITION
  • SWRZ JOHN, I'M ASKING YOU WOULD YOU DO THAT IN MY POSITION, AND
  • QUICK FOLLOWUP, DO YOU WANT MY POSITION BECAUSE AT THIS POINT
  • I'M JUST SCARED AND HUNGARY ALL THE TIME.

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The day after he calmly read a carefully-worded speech from a prompter, Donald Trump was right back to rant about medieval tactics and supercars.

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