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Video Bill Burr ROASTING People ◼ Like a BOSS 2018

TheTV.info
15:06   |   11/14/2018 at 19:34

Transcription

  • when did you start shaving your head uh
  • when did I start shaving my life saved
  • it my mom first my first special I had
  • it shaved elected ICU who's in the roof
  • there in the back you'll be right there
  • what would do a buddy cop shop exactly
  • right - balding old guys going after
  • some hairy criminal I'm not a big fan of
  • Steve Jobs personally what are you
  • talking about I just I don't know I just
  • don't understand what the big deal was
  • with that guy he's like Edison I don't
  • know he invented all this stuff that
  • everybody did he did he it's like did he
  • sit down and like I'm gonna invent the
  • iPhone and just sat there soldering
  • possibly welding right did he have like
  • a crew of guys helping him out sure
  • maybe he did why would he went to those
  • nerd fest didn't he have like a like a
  • like a chorus of scientists behind him
  • who helped him out - he walked out like
  • he was Tesla and into electricity I not
  • which they keep just kind of like told
  • people what to invent like he just kind
  • of came in like I want my whole music
  • collection in that phone get on it guys
  • yeah made it happen yeah and then they
  • have a big nerd concert and he goes out
  • there by himself
  • no belt you know sneakers on I just
  • didn't buy it yeah I'm a loner man I
  • don't like people so
  • okay yeah that my no I don't yeah I just
  • fit the avenue during Christmastime
  • you can't launch that go through my head
  • I just want to chop that tree down and
  • watch it land on people when you took it
  • out on Philly because they were a bad
  • crowd oh yeah you're famous rant you
  • since said you like Philadelphia and
  • that wasn't the issue you were just
  • giving people in Philly don't even
  • remember basically if you haven't seen
  • it I was doing a show for the Opie and
  • Anthony radio program and they had this
  • show called the traveling virus and we
  • were doing these like 10,000 Cedars and
  • we went to Philly and then notorious for
  • booing people and they booed the first
  • guy offstage and I went on like three
  • hours after that so by the time I got up
  • there was a complete shit show and I
  • don't know they started booing and I
  • snapped and decided I wasn't gonna leave
  • and I just attacked everything that they
  • love can women be funny yeah of course
  • but you guys just fucking grow up and
  • just sit down and write your own
  • horseshit and come up with it start your
  • own fucking show have your own awards
  • show quit waiting around for other
  • people to do shit for you that's the
  • fucking problem if you guys had your own
  • big club and I was standing outside of
  • it you'd never fucking let me in I'd
  • start my own shit you guys got to start
  • your own shit you got brains in there
  • right yes absolutely so write your own
  • shit and quit your fucking wine and
  • we're all eating the giant shit sandwich
  • out here nobody cares I don't care
  • well when was the last time you went on
  • stage you killed so hard the person
  • after you bombed if you're fucking doing
  • that on a regular basis people are gonna
  • notice regardless of what you have
  • between your legs
  • you know I feel bad for right now
  • McDonald's I feel bad for them why would
  • you feel because they backpedaled they
  • allowed fat people to blame them and
  • it's it's just over the second they made
  • the salad it was over
  • was over they said you know what it's
  • our fault
  • it's our fault it's our fault you fat it
  • isn't everybody knows it's fattening you
  • don't order 50 sandwiches right but
  • they're a business if you order fit
  • they're gonna give it to you that's not
  • their fault yeah and then you think
  • that's it right there what they invented
  • it's for kids and for when you get
  • hammered that's what it is
  • you go in there yeah at some point I was
  • gonna make a point here that's why I
  • keep looking at here and I just realized
  • I'm blocking myself out of the camera I
  • love that you have the jib camera for
  • this like it's an action movie let's
  • let's let's poop in at these two guys
  • sitting in these unbelievably small
  • chairs I literally feel like I'm gonna
  • fall onto the floor this is insane you
  • really went all out with the audience so
  • they got full-sized adult chairs these
  • like from the 20s before they had like
  • horse tranquilizers in our food and
  • everybody was like five foot one yeah
  • that that bet that dead after that bad
  • and nothing I'm making you mad nothing
  • enough of things have set me yes I I
  • don't know I don't want to look I fly a
  • lot and there's this whole new thing of
  • generation of people that take their
  • socks and their shoes off on the plane
  • you got to look at this smelly feet and
  • then they'll literally stand up and they
  • will walk into a commercial airline
  • bathroom yeah use it and then walk and
  • sit back down again that's not right
  • yeah if I was a dictator those people be
  • eliminated the second I saw the
  • Christmas lights I was like I'm going to
  • bomb this is it you're allowed to do
  • this it's not fake okay
  • get in a box and then get take it back
  • on your stapling up next year
  • what should go I love this do texting
  • for the entire interview it's just
  • trying to keep the attentions on
  • Millennials it's like impossible look at
  • him he's already got the change he's
  • probably got his own record label he's
  • like making deals as we speak he's got
  • championship rings on I don't know what
  • you do and do but I want your life man
  • you're crushing it so you and I could
  • not get comfortable in this fucking
  • chair this is just like one of the worst
  • things this should be like hitting
  • museum is like the prototype this is
  • what this was the awful level of comfort
  • we went from a log to this and then
  • eventually they got cushions it's
  • another guy looking at his phone I swear
  • to God through the day Jesus comes back
  • if he ever does if he's even a real
  • person like 90% of people are gonna miss
  • it they're gonna walk right he's gonna
  • be walking on the water and they may not
  • be walking by him and not even gonna see
  • it oh yeah there's a drop-off and famed
  • for Jesus at that point everyone was
  • everyone was paying attention now no one
  • gives a shit ah there we go
  • no but now this is like the ego one now
  • I'm going to be sitting above you you
  • didn't not have come with two it's fine
  • if so I served the one the one comedy
  • through line that's working here is me
  • shitting on this chair why would you
  • take that for me this is you're just
  • totally going against the grain I
  • understand it but you got on camera so I
  • think you get paid even though this is
  • online you see Sugar Shane Mosley one of
  • the greatest boxers of all time he's
  • losing his championship belt in a
  • divorce losing at think you're trying to
  • break a man what does she want those
  • they go with their shoes
  • when you get a divorce
  • all of a sudden costs like 50 grand a
  • month to give a kid Froot Loops
  • [Laughter]
  • [Applause]
  • gold-digging whores your character has a
  • lot of tats do you get those put on you
  • have you have a tab that says no no I
  • that's that's all my ink I have this mic
  • on so yeah that's all right gentlemen
  • help me I can't believe your
  • relationships don't work
  • we recently got a pitbull which I know a
  • lot of people don't like because they
  • ate a couple of kids I understand
  • they're great dogs unless you're a bad
  • owner if you're a psycho
  • which I am you can mess them up I didn't
  • I didn't realize that dogs feed off your
  • vibes like if you're cool if you're
  • chill they're chillin if you're sleeping
  • they're sleeping but if you're a psycho
  • like me and you're watching the game on
  • TV and you're screaming at the referee
  • you gotta be shitting right I didn't
  • realize the dog was in the corner being
  • like yeah being a mother is the hardest
  • job our most difficult job but if Oprah
  • said that Oprah said that yeah that has
  • your opinion on that on that phrase
  • changed at all since no it's not the
  • most difficult job on the planet
  • it just isn't dude I get roofing in July
  • I almost as a redhead I almost died
  • there's people there's people that work
  • on like oil it was that movie that guy
  • made the oil teal the fucking you know
  • when they grow me boil what is it there
  • will be blood without there will be
  • blood the out in the ocean they would
  • drill I can never remember the names
  • Mark Wahlberg Deepwater Horizon yeah
  • yeah those guys were working on an oil
  • rig the fucking thing blows up they're
  • on fire they got to jump into water
  • that's on fire salty water into their
  • woods you got to swim out of that oil
  • and fire and then tread water bring to
  • God that the Coast Guard is going to get
  • there before the Sharks do now talk to
  • me about a toddler though he was so
  • fussy today
  • you wouldn't need his piece what's up
  • with all these white kids now walking
  • around trying to act like the like
  • gangster rappers it's irritating
  • it's like everywhere I go man I figure
  • I'd just be here in the city we go to
  • mix of people you know I'll be like in
  • the middle of Kansas though like the
  • whitest state ever there'll be some
  • Howdy Doody looking white kid like me
  • you know I'm thinking this is one of my
  • peeps some have a conversation with all
  • say shit's like yo what's up kid who saw
  • up kid I just want to be like nothing
  • much Brad you know you're keepin it real
  • in Wichita what a fuckin gonna be a
  • gangster in the States say like Nebraska
  • you know what do you be like all
  • hardcore about your crop just in there
  • yo shit was crazy I'm saying well
  • fucking corn wasn't wrong
  • I'll fucking scarecrows tipping over and
  • shit you know all I'm saying son I just
  • want to be like dude you're white go to
  • the gap give in to it
  • buy some Dockers and come off and going
  • to gun stores and yeah and these
  • rednecks are all telling me the same
  • thing cuz I didn't grow up with guns so
  • they're just going alright you never had
  • a gun you want to get yourself a shotgun
  • it's got a great spread that's how they
  • keep saying it's got a great spread you
  • know anything you got a problem you sort
  • of whip around
  • dude I just want to shoot the guy I
  • don't have to do like a bunch of drywall
  • work my diploma I didn't think Lance
  • told anybody he didn't do anything to me
  • the only good for me he raised five
  • hundred million dollars for cancer
  • research that's what that lie did that
  • blocked out the Sun yeah it wasn't
  • cancer yeah it was annoyed and I hated
  • how Oprah was interviewing him and
  • acting like she was dumbfounded that
  • this guy would do this like she's been
  • in show business for 35 years and she
  • can't like wrap her head around some guy
  • doing whatever it takes to get to the
  • next level
  • didn't she for the first five years have
  • liked midgets who wanted to bang their
  • mailman's boyfriend and she and she
  • didn't want to do it she didn't want to
  • do it but she didn't have the power to
  • say no so she wrote it out and then when
  • she could make a good decision she did a
  • show but she stood on their heads
  • [Applause]
  • hamburger assistant again why can't mom
  • make dinner
  • ask her she's the one who abandoned her
  • post not to do it all the lady work I
  • got to leave to go do some man work and
  • there's anybody gonna get me flowers and
  • tell me I'm beautiful no no it's out
  • there marching for old Frank Murphy he
  • just watches the sands of his miserable
  • life gather at his feet while his wife
  • the modern woman throws on a pantsuit
  • every morning and yet there's my worker
  • bee um what is your go-to dance move
  • when challenged waiting for the director
  • to say cut well I'll tell you when I
  • when I saw my kid it wasn't I didn't
  • have like everyone's like you're gonna
  • burst out crying you're gonna blah blah
  • blah I was like scared of it like I was
  • sitting there like age ya buddy like
  • [Laughter]
  • afterwards they give it to me and I'm
  • hanging with her for the first time and
  • I'm feeling nothing and I literally put
  • my head down on the bassinet I'm going
  • oh my god I'm a serial killer
  • so bill do you go go yourself because I
  • was like googling the show oh god knows
  • I was googling this shit get trashed
  • enough on Twitter what do you know when
  • I did this show last night this is how I
  • think the Millennials are right somebody
  • I was wearing this exact same thing you
  • know I'm on the road so I'm gonna make
  • stain on my shirt
  • so I was wearing this exact same thing I
  • go on Twitter and somebody wrote you
  • know bill burr last night dressed like
  • an out-of-shape jerry seinfeld what so
  • like yeah I wrote but I can't say what I
  • wrote back I wrote like you did so and
  • something yeah it's like why don't you
  • heckle me when you're there I'm there so
  • crashing very funny so you play yourself
  • is it hard playing yourself as an actor
  • no that's what I've been doing my entire
  • limited acting career like real actors
  • are like Anthony Hopkins where he played
  • that serial killer and Silence of the
  • Lambs of electors yeah and then like the
  • next move that should have ended his
  • career like you should never been able
  • to see him as anybody else and then the
  • next movie he played like John Quincy
  • Adams and he was literally John Quincy
  • Adams my buddy saw this thing one time
  • John Travolta was talking about like
  • just the walks he's like Vinnie
  • Barbarino walked this way Vincent Vega
  • and walked this way like you know
  • whatever the guy from get shorty walks
  • this way and I just met with hearing
  • that going through all my characters
  • walk like me

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